It’s odd to wake up in the morning to hear the head of your church has resigned. Especially since you weren’t really found of the man, but didn’t he have great shoes? I especially loved his red slippers, so snazzy! Plus let’s face it, I’m a terrible Catholic. I’m for women’s rights, I have no problem with gay marriage, I can’t even kneel properly. 

However, this is the first time in Catholics’ lifetime that a Pope resigned. I told my mother about the Pope quitting, she couldn’t believe it. “They never resign. They die.” Usually they stayed until they were so old and decrepit that you worried they were going to fall off the balcony on the Vactian. When I was six, there were two Popes that died a month apart. Two of them! It’s a wonder Pope John Paul was so agreeable; by then the seat of the Roman Pontiff was as cursed as a Spinal Tap drummer. Time will tell if we find out if Pope Benedict is telling the truth that he’s stepping down because of health issues; as NPR anchor Scott Simon said in a tweet: “We know he’s not leaving because he needs to tend to his family.” However, we have a pressing issue: Who should be the next Pope?  I have some suggestions; Vactican City  go ahead with the white smoke signals with these fine people!

 
 
 
Sister Helen Prejean: Okay, she’s well, a nun. And a woman. But maybe it’s time we need someone like Sister Helen to shake things up a little. She could bring in a choir from New Orleans. Tell everyone what it was like to have Susan Sarandon play you in a movie.  She’d be great!

 
Dolores Hart: Again, a woman. And a nun. But she did a movie with Elvis. Elvis! Think of Christmas masses, the choir could sing “Blue Christmas” and she can tell everyone not to be cruel to each other.

Father Miles Riley: For years Father Miles did two minute sermons on KPIX. He was always calm, kind, and open hearted. Armistead Maupin based a character on him in Tales of the City named Father Paddy. Father Miles would be perfect to be a Pope; he has television experience and would be open to new ideas concerning the Church.

 
Father Ralph, Thorn Birds: Okay, Father Ralph isn’t a real person. Plus he had this teensy weensy problem of sleeping with Meggie (Rachel Ward) but he is devoted to his faith! Richard Chamberlain played him in the miniseries and did just fine. Chamberlain is gay in real life, so there goes that gay problem! All straightened out!

Father Hugh Collins, Ryan’s Daughter: Father Hugh is the most feared/respected man in Kilarry during World War One. He knows everything, sees everything. Never met a glass of Scotch he didn’t like. He is one of the precious few that is decent to Michael (John Mills) the “village idiot” then slugs the mayor when the Mayor leads an attack against Rosy Ryan Shaunessy (Sarah Miles) Father Hugh would have no patience with pedophile priests or any other tomfoolery.

Father Karras, Exorcist:  Not only did this priest had to drive the devil out of poor little Regan (Linda Blair) he had to deal with projectile vomitting and “Tubular Bells” contstantly playing in the background.  If he could drive the devil out of Linda Blair, he can handle being the Pope. Plus Richard Branson could provide the music for high masses!

 
 
 
So Catholic Church, these are my suggestions. I know there’s some logicistics to be worked out—the only real people on my list are nuns and Father Riley, but maybe it’s time to think outside the Pope box. We need a fearless leader who all Catholics can look up to, be it man or woman.  We need someone to, in Randy Newman’s words, “help the needy and show them the way.” Do your thing, Catholics!