I have to say I am unbelievably stubborn. I actually at times pity the poor Guides really, after all they are the ones who usually have to deal with me when I am in denial of things I really need to deal with. One of the learnings I am working with at the moment and I have blogged about it, is allowing ourselves to "re-feel" and as I work with people I realise just how much we have completely embraced distancing ourselves from our feelings. To our complete and utter detriment.
Usually it is triggered by something, for me when I was very little, my twin told me he did not want to remember things any more and I watched him turn off all his abilities, suppress and hide all his memories and get lost in the human side of him. It was incredibly hard to watch him do that and as I mourned for the loss of our communications, our understanding at other levels, I distanced myself from feeling so hurt and alone. I found it was easier and easier over the years to pull away from connections of the heart. I could still love people completely however, I could participate at a distance without attaching emotions, or managing to suppress emotions massively. I'm not the only one, regardless of the situations, I see in people, them smothering their emotions, hiding from themselves, brushing, shrugging off emotions on the surface while it wreaks havoc on their hearts. People, we live in an age of heart disease... That is NOT a coincidence. The damage we do to our physical being, especially our hearts, over a period of time manifests simply into disease and we sadly did it to ourselves.
I suppose my first warning should be when I close my eyes and immediately a life starts unfolding behind them, I feel Tai move in close and Elom's hand on my shoulder and I spin away from this reality and back into a life from before. I do understand the value of this really, but at the time, rational mind is screeching "I don't want to go there.... noooooooooooo".
The life and the learning unravels, the learning, the understanding, echoing back into this life and bringing clarity to the situation that triggered it. In some ways I would love to give this ability back to people in a whooosh, as long as they are prepared enough to deal with each one, however, we really DON'T like looking at self do we? Far easier to fix others than to look at our insecurities that are being triggered most days by the loving (and I mean that, difficult people are the ones who love us enough to bring that learning regardless of whom they are) people on our journey who bring them for us to address.
Recognition flares as I see people I know in that life, different in form, but the same being within and the clarity of my insecurity grows in understanding. In a moment I am back, and Tai peers at me gently.
"It is never as bad as what you perceive it is. Understand that when you apply attention and understanding to your insecurities and gain the knowledge that you need to know of yourself, never is it a major crisis that has presented it's self but one of the small issues that you have let grow and grow over the passage of time. In this life as in ones before.
As you start to delve into the depths of you, you will understand that no one person can help you with your insecurities if you do not acknowledge that they are there in the first place. Doubt of self governs insecurities and allow seeds to grow on the basis of owned perceptions of yourself. In order to truly start living from the heart, one must first start with the acknowledgement of allowing one to feel their emotions, the good, the perceived bad and the value of them".
It is a very good thing to start acknowledging that things make you uncomfortable. The sudden flares of temper at something that someone said. Look beyond that to see what the insecurity is, is it a fear of being wrong? Is it an interpretation that the other person will judge you or has judged you in the past, is it your sense of belonging that is offended? Below anger, which is the first defence response, lies the real insecurity. What if I am wrong? What if that person isn't just busy and they are actually avoiding me? What did I do? I don't know but I won't let them hurt me again... and the cycle and the insecurities flare all over again. You can delete people out of your life, however the Universe will bring another back again and again for you to deal with what you are doing to yourself. It's really that simple. It may be in another form, or situation, but it will be back for your learning until you recognise WHAT you are doing to yourself, not what others are perceived as doing.
For the record, my insecurity was not being valued. How does that situation repeat itself? In this way, people would NOT value you, they would not turn up for appointments, they would assume that they could be late, say anything rudely that they wanted to. All of these things are triggering resentment of not being valued for what I contribute to people. It is not them doing it to me, but rather me attracting that energy by not seeing that I am valuable in myself. So in order to work on that insecurity and thereby remove the learning element, I need to value me more. By standing up for my value. This is what I do, I'm very good at it, it is a VALUABLE gift. Ownership of why the insecurity is manifesting is half the battle.
A good friend of mine the other day, moaning that I do wonderful things for people and no one ever does things for you? Hmmm so hows that working for you? Where is the learning. Basically you are trying to appease yourself by doing things for others, but you have forgotten the value of receiving. So all the people around you end up taking and taking and then you feel flat, resentful and feel like you are giving all the time. Ummm HELLO! You created it, the Universe is just bringing the people who will take and take to show you how IMPORTANT receiving is. Many, many people I know love giving, heck its fantastic, BUT! Find your balance people or you will need someone one day and no one will be there simply because they are so used to you "rescuing" others, they forgot you might need some yourself.
Don't create that learning for yourself because simply in 2013, The Universal Year of Balance, the Universe will bring that learning in SPADES, as it tries lovingly to get you to learn the importance of you, the balances of you. Work and Play, Spiritual and physical, mental and emotional, giving and receiving. The Universal laws have never changed, they just GOT clearer. It's simply time for us to stop hiding from ourselves and start believing in us. Doesn't make people go away, just makes you more aware that others are struggling too, their learning as great as your own and equally important. It takes JUDGEMENT out of the equation and gives you clarity to understand your insecurities and thereby your emotions.
Wanna do it? It isn't fun I can tell you that, however, what would you rather do? Struggle through learning and feeling like you are being hurt again and again, or start to learn about WHO you truly are, what you truly need and mostly what you are HIDING from.... its up to you. Personally, I think YOU are worth it, so very, very much but it's your choice. It's all up to you, think about it!