You know we have forgotten so much, a rich tapestry of our lives, entwined through time means that the people that we meet in this life have usually come together before in others, in different situations and understanding for our growth and our learning. I have a re-occurring dream that has happened for years until I met a person in a chat room and this is where this story of Soul Connections and a Century old Love begins and never ends.
It will not be what you think it is, so open your hearts and see the honesty of the Soul connections we make.
In my dream, I open my eyes, I am kneeing awkwardly so that my sword and dagger do not poke me in the leg, the dagger is needle sharp and would slice to the bone. Many a man have fallen with a slice between the ribs, upwards to pierce the heart. I am a fighter, protector. My heart beats steadily as I listen to the words of my King, whom I have sworn allegiance to with my life.
Softly he speaks "I ask you now, Leofwin, as a Knight, a Friend and a Confidant, to go as quickly as you can for the King of Scots seeks to undermine our throne and you, I trust to be eyes and ears". My heart stills for a beat, my ears burn in horror. I glance quickly at him, this man so tired, tired of fighting, so tired of the demands of a open public life and maintaining a Kingdom. He meets my eyes with sympathy and I drop mine immediately. This is news that I do not want to hear, for my wife, the person my heart is bound to, is about to labour her first child.
We have a connection this woman and I beyond anything I have ever felt before in my life. She is also a Seer, a woman of magic abilities, the pull of her immense on my heart, we are bound tighter and tighter the longer we are together. She is also extremely strong willed, her ability demanding her to stand her ground in a world that does not understand her nor really accept her. Two years ago, I had rescued her from a mob, filled with wrath and vengeance, at one of the visions she had shared which had come to pass. The blame in misunderstanding, heaped upon her meant her imminent death. Fate shone that day on both it seems.
We married to save her soul, when in reality she had already rescued mine. Serenely beautiful, with eyes like reflecting flame light, she had captured my heart and coming together had been both a coming home and an awakening. She was due to birth, and she had seen what was come to pass, that we would be separated. We waited in vain, that the King would not ask me to go. But as I stand here before him, the allegiance I have promised burns at me like ropes flaying my very soul.
"You have two days" The King dismisses me, I bow my head and stand. Turn quickly and remove myself from the Chamber. Face a mask, I walk briskly past the Guards, to the outer chamber where my Manservant waits. I hand him my gloves quietly, he utters no comment and moves discreetly by my side, words not necessary.
We leave the Keep, the Grooms bring our horses silently, the stable boy already alerted them to our needs. I climb aboard my favourite mount, a large horse, quick willed and strong. My mind frozen with the knowledge I am returning home to share. "Sire? She will already know" I look impatiently at my man, "I know" and kick the horse for home.
It takes a day and a half to travel to home, both the lands and the keep, but more home, to my heart and soul, the person I love beyond this life. My heart both quickens and leadens at the same time. I slow the horse, just before the gates, more to compose myself more than anything, nothing is shown externally, nothing. My heart is heavy with dread. At times like these I wish I chose a simpler choice in mate. She can see my heart this one and will not let me away with what I have hidden from others.
I breath in and blow out a breath, time is wasting, I have but two days at home. Through the gates and into the main courtyard, chickens move hastily from the path of the horses. The groom comes quickly, nods and retrieves the reins, I swing down, saddle sore to the sound of running footsteps. Close my eyes for a moment, savouring home as the Maid launches herself hastily into a curtsy. I frown at her stooped figure "Milady?" I ask impatiently.
"Awaiting you Sire and no the babe has not come" I breathe a sigh of relief, I had made a promise, I had promised I would be home for the birth, promised in the light of those shining eyes and the warmth of her arms. The maid retreats hastily at my darkening brow. "She is fine" she stammers, I nod. "Tis fine" I look up towards the high windows and move quickly through the Keep, the fire burning in the darkness of the main hall, a constant source of light and warmth in the airy interior.
Moving swiftly up the stone steps to the first floor, I follow the familiar route to our rooms. I hesitate a moment with the latch, and wondering why, this woman can see into my heart, my soul. My eyes soften, I open to door and walk into the room. I have been gone a week, now I only have two days. The tapestries move with the pull of the door, the fire banked, peat sparking mildly with the new breeze from the door. She sits by the window, hair plaited waist length pulled around and over a shoulder down her breast, the sun from the window seat she is at illuminates her in a shining light, amplified by the lemon colour chemise and skirt. Her eyes are averted, hand resting on the swell of her belly. She makes no sound, is as still as the night. She knows.
I walk quietly across the floor and discard my belt, sword and dagger, across the chest at the end of the bed. I walk around the bed to the window seat and kneel at her feet, reach forward to caress the roundness of our child. Slowly her hand covers mine. I close my eyes and lean into the scent of her. I breathe out deeply, and look up into her vibrant eyes. Like living flames she reaches into the heart of me and sees and confirms what she already knows. Her hand tightens on mine.
Fiercely she says "You MUST stay, I will not survive this without you". "I can't, I am ordered to go, you know this, we both do". Her eyes burn me with indignation, willing me to change what cannot be undone. I shake my head "I cannot stay, I have two days" Her eyes burn brighter for a moment and she closes them "Then I will die". My heart lurches in fear, I am torn, I have no say, I cannot go against the orders of the King, my fealty was with my birth. My temper flares at her abruptness and in anger, I wrench free from her and stand, stamp across the room to the door. "You cannot do this! Cannot make me choose, I have NO choice! Many women have birthed, you are not the first and will not be the last!" The door slams behind me on her tears.
I storm furiously out of the Keep, and yell for a fresh horse. My bones ache with weariness but my anger with the world burns like a torch, scorching my soul and my heart. Damn the King, Damn her stubborness and Damn my heart. The startled Groom comes flying with the Grey, blanket and saddle. "Forget it!" I snap and saddle bareback, dragging at the reins, sharp kick and we are flying out of the courtyard. Why can she not see I have no choice. The countryside unfolds beneath me, the lands I love, which have been in my family for generations.
"I will die" echoes in my ears. My guilt at this statement grows more and more spreading across my heart with its freezing grasp. I shake myself mentally, and again, tell myself many, many women have birthed and many successfully. I love this woman with all of my being, how can she tell me she will die, how can she hurt me so.
The horse below me, breathes hard breaths and I am conscious of how much I am pushing him. I slow him slowly, giving time for him to recapture his breath, and me my thoughts. The dye is cast, I have two days. I sigh and turn the horse back towards home at a walk. The vow I make is to put what she said to the back of my mind and enjoy the two days as much as I can. Her time grows so close, the Good Wife tells me so I can just pray it is in these two days, another hope against hope.
I spend two days, two days inhaling the feel of her, the scent of her, the movement of the baby, ignoring the growing resentment, sadness and accusation in her eyes. I steel myself against the echoes and pleas of her mind, her soul and her heart. No matter what my love will never falter never change, I hope beyond her fears she sees this and I have convinced myself regardless they are just fears.
In the dawn I ride out, the flame in the window brilliant as a star in the dawns break. Our goodbyes have been intense, her words like knives in my soul. "I will never forgive you, the child you kill, the love you destroy". Not the leaving I had hoped for in my dreams. My heart is pierced time and time again the blows of the words reign down on me. Eyes like darkened coal, everyone avoids my gaze and my wrath as I storm from the Keep.
I have been gone a week with my men, my soul in turmoil, when the rider finds us. He speaks to my Man and the Man's face whitens immediately, I turn as he meets my gaze, falters and moves quickly, discreetly to my side. In his eyes, I see what my heart has been trying to tell me for three days. My soul screams in pain, words echo and the guilt overwhelms me and I feel like every part of me has died. I listen, nod harshly, turn and order the troupe under way.
In the Chat Room, the light that shines around her, echoes with memories, I can see that she can't remember, and part of my soul rejoices that she cannot see my guilt, my horror and my combined delight at finding her again. We talk, connect and still she doesn't remember, I prompt nothing, she remembers only the connection from the "Inbetween", part of me is grateful for that. The days we talk become years, until out of the blue, a cycle repeats, my guilt comes back in steady waves, her demands on my time become more, her insistence to choose her over others. Inevitably, the clash of emotions and wills surfaces again in this life and this time she chooses to let me go to my sorrow, where I chose before to let her go.
Should I have told her? Would she have understood? In the changes in our lives understand that the emotions felt here and the learning here are overridden by an abiding overwhelming love. It cannot die, it never did. My joy at finding that connection again wonderful, simply because it never died. Love never does, I recognise this time I have not "lost" her again... I never did, the connection is LOVE and it is timeless.