Writing one's memoirs for an assignment in my College level, English Comp. class a couple of years ago, in my own mind, is my personal way of forgiveness. Helping to get feelings on paper is always a way of release and/or therapy that no one but your own heart knows about. This assignment in this class helped me to come to some sort of terms with my mother.
When I started my paper out, I spoke of times that I remembered so very fondly spent with my maternal Grandmother, in the country. I loved those days, but soon it came to the part of my life's story to speak of being left with my Grandparents to live permanently; or so I was left to believe. This was the most honest I had actually been with anyone else as well as myself for a long time. As I wrote, I recall tears streaming down my face while continuing my "flow" of words that would describe my feelings of abandonment and a broken heart, as well as anger and the relinquishing faith I had always had in my mom. For this blog, I will only say, it was a choice she made being married to my step-father and under his controlling behavior. It was a matter of getting rid of some "things" that caused conflict during his strike at his factory--hmm, I thought that was cable or the newspaper; guess not! I was being "let go" like an employee being disciplined for some terrible breach of job description.
By the end of my paper, I found myself saying how after 6 years of living with my Grandparents and learning from them what it was to give and not always receive, that I began to "forgive" my mother for the choice(s) that she had made in life. As a mother of four kids myself, I surely have learned to move on in the face of "reality" and learned to just live with what has been allotted you or lack of; aka, "blood from a turnip" phrase. I found myself writing about the fact that being in a controlling relationship could somehow help one face life head-strong and ready for anything. The choice my mom made may not have been the smartest thing to do as a parent but being a parent now I look into that picture and see a whole new perspective. Room for growth and forgiveness. Thanks Mom.