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SANTORUM, IMPRESSARIO OF BATSHIT
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Goldman's novel Isaac: A Modern Fable will be out in April 2012 from Permanent Press.
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Taking the Cure

Rick Santorum, curiously obsessed with Americans’ personal lives, denounces the “scourge of pornography” that assails us and complains the present administration “has turned a blind eye to those who wish to preserve our culture” from this evil plague. Crackpot Rick yearns to re-establish a G-rated, white bread universe, the way he imagines it was before the Renaissance came along and ruined everything.

            Big media call him a “social conservative,” but the label works in such a general sense that it misses the point altogether. Yes, ex-Senator Santorum seeks conservative social interactions, but more importantly, he lusts for an authoritarian theocracy that would establish his grim personal beliefs by decree, a government that would peer into bedrooms and institutions and weed out enemies. And there’s a multitude of enemies. For starters, funding for family planning and the treatment and prevention of STDs. Sex is for utilitarian procreation, not fun. Then there’s public education, which is no more than a vile propaganda machine, which is why he home-schools his children at our expense. They no doubt learn to keep careful watch for Satan, “who has his sights on the United States of America.”

            But Rick doesn’t hate everything. He’s quite fond of the Crusades, for example. Honest. Bet you never thought you’d see a major presidential candidate make the Crusades an election issue, did you? That’s the thing about Santorum. He prefers to look back, not forward. Way, way back. The separation of church and state, he tells us, makes him want to hurl.  After all, that’s not how Charlemagne did things. 

            This guy’s got so many primary voters agreeing with him that he gets political slut Romney, a former moderate, to go along with most of his weird concerns.  Some of us are silly enough to believe America has more pressing concerns than the Crusades, Internet porn, and gay sex. Joblessness, for example, and underwater mortgages, sinking education, wars to nowhere, economic inequality, climate change, and the fact that a major party controlled by sanctimonious zombies and obscenely greedy Herbert Hoover devotees refuses to acknowledge real facts about real problems. And that this demented coalition would turn a mean-spirited loon into a major presidential candidate, one who thinks a search for cleaner energy would show distrust of the Creator and provoke a vengeful God. Wait a minute. Does that mean we should think twice about attacking Iran? Could God have His own plans there too? Don’t be silly. In this particular case Santorum is God’s instrument. The only way to know whether you leave a problem to God or to Santorum is to ask Santorum. He’s got the secret playbook.

            One reason this babbling twit is still standing in the race is his ability to acquire support from some of the tenacious oligarchs who still call most of the Republican shots. Rather than install Romney, who’s one of their own, they lean toward a zanier type of reactionary, one who is largely unconcerned with germane issues. As president he would gladly look the other way while they dismantle the rest of the New Deal and what the heck, the Postal Service too. With Santorum in the Oval Office, obscene gluttons can continue plundering the rest of us while the president spends his time on batshit.