ISAAC: A MODERN FABLE by Ivan G. Goldman

Goldman's Isaac: A Modern Fable was released by Permanent Press in April.

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A Romney presidency, especially if coupled with Republican control of both houses of Congress, would create such economic catastrophe that people would no longer be able to feed their puppies.

            Consequently, Mitt's secret offshore puppy meat factory, concealed within his mysterious tax returns, would become even more profitable. Mitt, rather than answer the charges made by a whistle-blower within the IRS, remains clammed up, refusing to let anyone see returns for any year except 2010, and, if he keeps his promise, eventually for 2011. Those were cleaned up returns, dressed up to be somewhat less odious because he’d already begun running for president. Still even these cosmetically altered documents showed all sorts of oddities such as money stashed in the Cayman Islands, Bermuda, and Switzerland, and IRA funds that somehow added up to many, many millions even though no more than $30,000 a year can go into them.

            One of the few souls who got to see any returns for years previous to 2010, the ones that reveal the offshore puppy slaughterhouse, was John McCain, when he vetted Mitt as his 2008 running mate. After viewing their contents poor McCain, pledged to secrecy, went off the rails. He halted his campaign so he could go to Washington to solve the financial crash but had no ideas when he got there and didn’t seem to understand the issues at all. Then he chose an absurd ignoramus as a running mate who’d never heard of the Federal Reserve and had to be informed that Queen Elizabeth II doesn’t really govern the United Kingdom. At least, he figured, he wouldn’t be unleashing Mitt on the Republic McCain had defended so valiantly.

            But shortly after going over Mitt’s returns, McCain, who’d earned the nation’s respect for his grueling experience as a POW in Vietnam, turned from maverick to party hack, certain to follow the party line no matter how extreme or absurd. Clearly he’d become unhinged. It was as though he’d finally seen more than he could bear. Similar stories emanate from Mitt’s cruel offshore puppy meat factory, which has a hard time keeping employees.

            Mitt appears to take special secret pride in his mechanized death pit, valuing it even over his dancing horse and job-and-pension-killing Bain Capital. It’s been theorized that his economic policies are fashioned the way they are in order to accelerate profits at the factory. Families across the nation would figure it’s better to send their puppies to his slaughterhouse than watch them slowly starve.

            Such conditions are an economic certainty should Mitt be free to follow his plan to basically murder the federal government except for police and military functions and dirty deals made to corrupt contributors. These policies would destroy millions of jobs and bring on Great Depression II precisely when Mitt and his pals have decimated the social safety net that millions of newly destitute families would look to. In exchange, the nation’s one-percenters would get even deeper tax cuts. Banks, mines, oil companies, food producers and the like would  do whatever they like because Mitt and his sidekick Paul Ryan would strangle regulation. There would be no one to inspect, for example, just what kind of meat goes into those hot dogs. Arf arf.