What worries me most about Mitt is evidence of the offshore puppy meat factory hidden in those secret tax returns. It may be an unhealthy symptom. I’m willing to forgive and forget, but first there must be repentance.
"I don't care if I lose my job for talking to you," said a highly placed IRS source. "I don't care if I go to jail even. It got so I couldn't face my kids anymore. I had to tell somebody."
Sure, Mitt may have been desperately in need of cash to finance the car elevator for one of his far-flung mansions. At the time he had between $20 million and $101 million tied up in IRA funds. And who knows what kind of withdrawal limitations are imposed on those vaguely disquieting accounts of his in the Cayman Islands, Bermuda and Switzerland? But there ought to be a kinder way for a proper, prosperous man to make a buck.
It worked like this: he recruited most of his puppies from naïve Third World households seeking a better life for their happy but deprived little doggies. He enticed them with advertisements offering solid placements in loving homes with people that had supposedly impeccable references.
The teary-eyed but stalwart families would wave goodbye at the dock, certain they were sending their frolicsome puppies to a better place. But as the ship passed over the horizon the cute little critters were immediately herded into cages. Eventually, after grueling voyages many failed to survive, the yipping and yapping little survivors were cruelly and speedily shipped to the frighteningly profitable puppy slaughterhouse.
Another source told me morale at the factory was exceedingly low. "They have a bigger turnover than Wal-Mart," she said. "It's very tough to take. Those sweet little puppies are strappped to a conveyer belt, and at the end of the process? Red meat. It reminds you of that scene in the Charlton Heston movie when he starts shouting, 'Soylent green is people!' It's heartbreaking."
I can understand why you might doubt the veracity of this explanation for the shrouds of secrecy Mitt has placed over his tax returns. But if Mitt wishes to deny these vile truths he need only release those documents to a curious world and issue an apology to puppies and puppy-lovers everywhere.
Causes Ivan Goldman Supports
American Heart Association
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Beit T'Shuvah Recovery Program