Well, we gave Mitt and his people 24 hours to respond to our exclusive shocking report on his offshore puppy meat factory. As you know, in Internet time, that’s a century. Clearly they’re paralyzed with fear.
The evidence for our findings, you will recall, was furnished by a highly-placed, whistle-blowing IRS agent, a patriot who’s seen the secret tax returns that Mitt refuses to show the public. The agent said he could no longer maintain his silence in good conscience.
“I kept seeing their cute little puppy faces in my dreams,” he said, “all of them heading straight into Mitt’s meat grinder.”
The Romney forces no doubt hope that this too shall pass, just like the information on the family dog he strapped to the roof of his car for a drive to Canada. But let’s consider another possibility -- that his failure to answer the charge means that whatever is hidden in those tax returns is worse than the hideous doings we’ve already uncovered, some horrific set of practices even more unsavory than operating an offshore puppy meat factory. What could it be? Let your imagination be your guide. Think unmitigated lust for profits and headlong flight from U.S. taxes. Think offshore kittens, for example.
Mitt so far has released only one year of tax returns -- for 2010 -- years after he’d begun running for president, and those returns showed he’d stashed cash in the Cayman Islands, Bermuda, and Switzerland and paid less than 15 percent tax in taxes -- a lower rate than the one faced by an average middle-class family. Mitt is ignoring the long tradition of presidential candidates releasing years of returns. The information from the IRS informant shows why he is so adamant.
So what’s it going to be, Mr. Presumed Republican Candidate? Will you or won’t you come clean with the puppy-loving American people? We are willing to forgive your ghastly, blood-curdling enterprises, but first there must be acknowledgement and repentance for luring sweet little Third World critters from their loving families with promises of greater comforts in wealthier climes with adoptive owners. You can’t remain hidden within your network of castles and their surrounding estates anymore. This story won’t go away. You will be, if you’ll excuse the expression, smoked out (much like your exclusive line of spicy smoked puppy meat).
Causes Ivan Goldman Supports
American Heart Association
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Beit T'Shuvah Recovery Program