Every new year and every new month, I say to myself: 'I'll get rid of all my bad hablts and improve on all levels to be more brilliant, more effective, and hence more happy. With every new week or new month or new semester, I imagine the changes that I'll make so that I become more satisfied with myself. It is obvious that I choose to make alterations at the beginning of a new period because that is symbolic; a new month or a new year would always stand for a new start over, a new page, a new self. My first aspirations always start with organizing my time for that is the key to the rest. Then I would directly think of my research and its commitments for that counts a lot to me. After that, I think of bettering myself at the spiritual level; that includes doing all my prayers on time, doing them properly, reading some of the Quran regularly, and erasing from the darker part of my heart any traces of evil feelings like envy, jealousy, greed, or hypocrisy. At the emotional level, I always think of making greater steps in the romantic domain by learning to say nice words to husband more often, and shortly behave with him the way he always wishes me to do: be romantic,sentimental,and sweet. And since I mention the family, my intentions for change sometimes also include my wishes to be not a good mother but a very good one, a perfect one, a mother who would nit make any mistakes of any kind. As to taking care of myself, that always takes the last position in the list of developments I hope to achieve in myself, by myself and to myself. Beauty, cosmetics, skin care, and changing looks just depend on my mood and I must admit that I don't give them due interest.
Before May the first, I was of course thinking that almost nothing was happening the way I wished; my prayers and my research and my household shores. I was waitnig for the first of May to start changing at once. The last night of April, I asked my husband to wake me up at 04.00 am so that I can make my prayer on time. I planned to work on the computer from 05.00 to 07.00, that is until the kids wake up. Then, the first of May will be just perfect since my waking up early will allow me to finish the cooking and cleaning early which would mean that back home, my kids will find lunch ready and mum will feed them so that by 13.00 am; full and tired, they will soon fall asleep and I would find enough space for myself. At 14.30, I'll take them again to the kindergarten and until 16.30, I 'll do my prayers, read some Quran, and study a little. In the evening, I'll probably go to the beauty institute near my home and make myself beautiful for myself and my husband etc.
The first of May came.
I did not wake up early; my husband was so tired that he could not wake up as usual to go the mosque; that's why he did n't wake me up. The kids did not go to the kindergarten for May the first is a day off. Instead of doing my prayers at 04.30 am, I did them at 10.00 am, of course hastily and inappropriately for I was thinking of preparing lunch, cleaning clothes, and bathing the kids. I felt that I was spiritually deficient and felt sorry for that. As to research, the kids being at home, I could not do much and it was my 5 years child who enjoyed the games on the computer. Emotionally, I cannot remember how I beheved on that day, the first of May, but I guess that I was just that unromantic woman who still finds it difficult to please her husband sentimentally.
The new start I promised myself of then did not materialize; I still wake up late, I still feel that am not fulfilling my responsibilities properly, and am still dreaming of change.
I'll be waiting for a new 'new start'.
Am waiting for June the first.