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Today's Questions: How Do I Get Sarah Palin to Come Over to My House? Where Do I Employ a Stunt Double?

Hello Everyone:

Twice again, the Smartest Man I Have Ever Known has outdone me.

First, the other day, HodgMan became the first Minor Television Celebrity in history to successfully invite a TV talk show host (or, in this case, hosts) to interview him at his own home. By this simple reversal, HodgMan forever laid to rest the grim and inconvenient tradition of Long Journeys to TV Talk Show Production Studios where (I have heard) celebrities encounter such perils as Klieg light burn, cannibal audiences, and sudden dangerous urges to jump over couches.

To say I am envious of this accomplishment is to express myself mildly. Starting with Jay Leno, I have spent the last twelve years repeatedly inviting every single talk show host on the broadcast and Computer TV networks over to my house to interview me. In the face of such replies as "Who are you?"; "Again, who are you?" and a recording of chirping crickets, I remain undaunted as I eagerly prepare my invitations for the upcoming Sarah Palin Show.

 The floodgates are about to open!

Second, during this action-packed, domiciled interview, HodgMan stunningly revealed that he employs Stunt Doubles and Look-a-Likes to stand in for him at  the many public events to which he is constantly invited. (Note to Self: Must Become Even Smarter to Get Invitations.)

My fingers sweating, I immediately typed the following response on his Computer TV Page.

"HodgMan: I was very interested to learn that you employ Stunt Doubles and Look-a-Likes whom you send to such faraway places as South America. I would like to ask you the following questions:

1) How many Stunt Doubles or Look-A- Likes do you employ?

2) Are they genetic clones? Androids? A combination of the two? Did you produce them conjugally, asexually or in a test tube or petri dish? Perhaps a storm-swept castle on a high mountain peak? (Thanks to the periodic hump that grows on my back,  I may be the perfect laboratory assistant for you!)

3) Where do they live? Do they all live with you on call? If they are anything like that set of Nude Furniture I returned recently . . . well, we certainly have already discussed that, haven’t we?

4) What are their names? I cannot imagine them all being named “John HodgMan,” especially if they live in your house along with your wife and children. Then again, a Stunt Double could be an essential accessory for many potentially injurious household tasks. The wife would never know that that is not the real HodgMan with his head stuck in the garbage disposal!

The reason I am asking these questions is that my wife, Gladys, wishes to send me on vacation to the Arctic Circle over the Christmas holiday, but I think sending a Stunt Double or Look-a-Like, such as you employ, would be much safer.

Thank you for your help."

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Tell No One

I trust you can keep this to yourself:

 Most of my acquaintences labor under the misapprehension that I, too, have numerous stunt doubles / look-alikes. They labor so because wherever I go, if I encounter one of said acquaintences, I pretend not to know them. When they approach me, glad hand at the ready, I explain my aloofness by claiming to be one of my own sd /l-a. I make up a name.

It has happened that I have met one acquaitence more than once (once, three times in a single day) and each time pulled the same ruse, which appears to fool them every time. I say it appears to fool them because each time (even if it's the third time), they back away slowly and say, "Um, yeah, right. Sorry."

I have found this to be less troublesome and less expensive than finding and hiring (or creating) sd / l-a, not to mention housing & feeding them, managing their sd / l-a contracts, and so forth.

Of course, I suppose this means I'll hafta deal with Ms Palin personally when the time comes.

Every silver lining has its cloud, I guess.