About me buzz hoards of flies while owls gaze patiently through my window in the moonlight.
I live in Emeryville, California with my wife Gladys and varying numbers of children. I want to join the Red Room because my downstairs neighbor Tom said Ivory Madison asked him (http://www.redroom.com/blog/thomas-burchfield/hugh-in-a-chatty-mood#comm...) why I did not blog here, instead of on Blogspot (http://hughlaff.blogspot.com/). This is the first time I have been invited anywhere since the last time I visited a china shop. I solemnly promise I will not break anything here.
The reason I have not blogged at the Red Room is this: I am afraid of the color red. (One of the many reasons that I stopped driving was because every time I came to a red traffic light, I became afraid and immediately put the car in reverse. After the fifth time, Geico rescinded their coverage. I also avoid rose gardens, bullfights and always order my steak charred. I also stay inside on Valentine's Day.)
I have written many books, among them "Hate Letters to Stephen Colbert"; "Paint! The Substance That Covers the Earth!" and "Ouch! 101 Things You Should Not Drop on Your Foot (By Someone Who Knows!)." I am very sure they will be published soon.
I am also a freelance inventor and marketer: One of the exciting consumer products I have brought to market is Dent-a-crete. This is a concrete-based product that provides an extra layer of protection for your tooth enamel. Another exciting product that I have brought market is Cement-No-More. This is a product you can apply in case your teeth become cemented together after using Dent-a-crete.
As a writer, I live by many important writing rules. The three most important rules are 1) Do not ever use contractions; 2) Write in plain, declarative sentences only (This way, I keep much better track of my very many ideas. 3) Do not use metaphors, similes, idioms, and figures of speech because I cannot understand them.
My downstairs neighbor Tom says I should stop writing now because you may be getting sleepy. I do not know what I am going to do here in the Red Room, but I promise I will do my very best to not get into trouble.
Thank you for your help.
Writing, inventing, marketing and walking Great Distances while coming with Very Good Ideas that I am sure will make my family and I very very happy. And rich.
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