NEW YORK, N.Y., July 12...Anarcho-Feminist presidential candidate Leah Schildkraut posed a provocative challenge to John McCain and Barrack Obama today.
"Give us your position on a woman's right to orgasm."
She was referring to an amendment to the Ecuadoran Constitution proposed by legislator Maria Soledad Vela giving women the legal right to "enjoy sexual happiness."
The amendment was hooted down in the Ecuadoran Constituent Assembly. Opposition member Leonard Viteri accused Soledad Vela of trying to "decree orgasm by law." An editorial in the Quito daily El Celibe said it would cause a "rash of lawsuits by unsatisfied women." Columnist Jorge Pata-Pequena complained that her amendment would mean a "life in prison" for men, condemning them "to exhaust themselves in the service of domineering, frigid emasculators."
Soledad Vela, an attractive blonde, went on Ecuadoran TV to explain that she only wanted to change the image of a woman as "passive partner in intercourse and a vessel for carrying babies." She said a woman's right to "enjoy sex in a free, fair and more open society" would be a boon to all.
Soledad Vela's blog posts and You Tubes excited hot debate throughout South America. Her digital efforts also stimulated feminists around the world. Female legislators in the UK, Belarus and New Zealand, have enlarged her amendment to include provisions making inappropriate remarks like "you've got the rag on," and "what you need is a good roll in the hay" misdemeanors subject to civil penalty.
Now Schildkraut has thrust "the right to orgasm" to a prominent place in her platform.
"This is the next generation of woman's issues," she said today. "We are concerned with body image. Making sure that the underweight ideal does not drive women to anorexia, amphetamine addiction and destructive surgery. We want to prod men into accepting their responsibilities in the sex act..."
She was interrupted by Efraim Durg, candidate of the Gambler's Rights Party. Surrounded by supporters carrying signs reading SLAVES TO ECSTASY and DON'T PAY LIP SERVICE TO FEMALES, Durg shouted: "It is a known fact that the female orgasm is a myth."
"It is to you," she shot back.
Stunned, Durg searched for a comeback. "Well...Some of these women shouldn't have the right to have sex."
"When was the last time you had sex?" Schildkraut demanded.
With a smug look at his supporters, Durg replied: "This morning."
Schildkraut waited until their lusty cheers subsided and said: "I meant with another person..."
"Oh yeah," Durg shouted. "Oh yeah, bitch..."
"Good one," his supporters cried.
Later in the day, a reporter caught Barrack Obama between fundraising appearances and asked him for his position on the female orgasm.
With a patronizing smile, Obama chucked her under the chin. "Let me get back to you on that, sweetie," he said.
John McCain was making a major speech on the Middle East at the Altekvetcher Home for the Aged in West Palm Beach, Florida. As he struggled to make himself heard above the feedback of the hearing aids, a reporter approached.
"Senator McCain, what is your position on the female orgasm?" she asked.
McCain turned, brimming with sincerity. "A cornerstone of my health plan is to rid females of all unwanted organisms...
"Not organisms, John," his wife Cindy said, and whispered in his ear.
McCain blushed. "Oh, oh sorry..." And turned back to the reporter. "Let me look in the Navy Marriage Manual...I'll get right back to you."
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