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Analyst: Obama's Victory Will Reignite Cold War

GREENPOINT, Bklyn, Nov.7...Toasts and cheers resounded at Golubchik's tavern last night as Obama euphoria kept the party floating two days after the historic election.

"To change," people shouted, raising their glasses.

"To peace."

This was too much for Ivan Yopsvoyomatsky, recent immigrant from Pinsk and senior scholar at the Greezhnizihd Think Tank.

"Peace?...PFUI!" 

Rising quickly from a stool he had occupied for two days, blood rushing to an unfamiliar location--his head--he faced the crowd with fine Slavic disdain.

"You pathetic puppets of Capitalism," he sputtered. "Peace is when the ruling class has its foot on your neck and its hand in your pocket. Twenty-eight years with Reagan,  Bush the Father, your precious Clinton and Bush, the Simple Son was peace...The Russians got rich, the Chinese richer with American corporate help and against the interests of American workers and consumers...Now that Obama has been elected get ready for total war."

A waitress pushed a plate of piroshki  across the bar. "Eat something Ivan..."

Yopsvoyomatsky sent it flying. "I haven't finished my salad yet," he said, dipping a cucumber in a glass of Popov vodka.

There was muttering in the cowed crowd. Finally, they pushed a young blonde in Uggies and a tight leather skirt forward for a timid challenge.

"But the world has welcomed Obama," she said, cringing.

Yopsvoyomatsky leered and beckoned. "My dear you are victim of noble blowjob... I mean global snowjob. World leaders are quaking in their boots..."

"Bloggers in China went crazy," someone hollered from in back. "One guy said this proved that America was a great Democracy and China was a one party oppressive dictatorship."

"Doorak," Yopsvoyomasky boomed. "How do you think Hu Jintao felt when he read that? With China wheezing from pollution, puking from poisoned food, factories closing from financial crisis, people oppressed from internet crackdown, does he need proof that America is closest thing to real proletarian power?" He stroked the blonde under her chin. " I promise you, dooshenkya  in party meetings they are talking about one thing only: how can we defeat this upstart Obama?

"But they are a great economic power, aren't they?" the blonde asked, gaining confidence.

Yopsvoyomatsky smiled indulgently. "From slave labor, my dear. They make your underwear cheaper. Later we will see if your panties were made in Guangdong. But now you must understand that when Obama calls for tougher environmental and labor regulations they see their costs going up and their competitiveness coming down. When he promises to award tax breaks to companies that keep jobs in the US they say the dirty word: protectionism. They know that US market powers their economies. Without help from Bush and American financial interests to keep their yen low and their labor costs lower they will go broke..."

" Obama restored the American image in Europe,"  a young man with a German accent said.

"You mean old, decadent, zero population growth Europe?" Yopsvoyomatsky sneered. "How many black faces in  English House of Commons? Mostly flushed, overfed, flatulent whites enjoying their squeals of indignation while country's business is done by MI6...French don't allow headscarves in public schools...Turks are second-class citizens in Germany, even after three generations in residence. Do you think they want mixed race underclass to embrace electoral politics...?"

Several people finished their drinks and slipped out onto the rainy streets.

"Bush brought us to the brink with Russia," a voice piped up. "They must be happy to see Obama..."

"Melancholic is  closest Russians come to happy," Yopsvoyomatsky said. "Russians follow Stalinist doctrine of probe with bayonet. Medvedev, latest in long line of metrically challenged rulers, climbs up on two Moscow phone books so he can see over lectern and makes hollow threat to put Iskander missiles in Kalingrad to counter US missile defense. Iskanders have range of 175 miles when they are working. They might land in a barnyard in Poland and kill a few chickens..."

"Russia must be dealt with," a pale man young man said in a quavering voice said and ducked behind a pillar as Yopsvoyomatsky loomed over him.

"Russia is a gas station with a broken pump," he roared. "A tavern with drunks snoring through frozen snot. Their market has lost 50% in value. The oligarchs, who grease their corrupt machine are broke. They  have to kill a journalist a week just to stay in power..."

Sighing heavily, more people shrugged into their coats and left.

"Obama will bring peace to the Middle East," a swarthy young man shouted angrily.

"Peace can only be made by people who are fighting each other," Yopsvoyomatsky countered. 

"People in the Middle-East have great hope for Obama."

"Not Iranian daily Jamhou-ye Eslami," Yopsvoyomatsky said. "They say: The most that black man can do is replace staff and change ceremony...He will never change capitalist, Zionist, racist structure of American regime. 

Saudi daily Al Wotan says: There is no difference between McCain and Obama. Both mean to achieve America's chef goal which to rule for a hundred years..."

"But Bush favored Israel and that got us nowhere."

"Nowhere is obviously where they want to be," Yopsvoyomatsky said. "Jordan and Egypt do not want Palestinian theocracy funded by Iran on their borders. Lebanese do not want more power to Hezbollah allies. Anyway,Obama will be busy with economic crisis.  Israelis and Palestinians will have to sit on back burner for years. They might do something sensational like a war of a terror attack to refocus the world's attention..."

Most of the revelers had slunk away, leaving  a few brooding in their cups. One man paused at the door.

"So there is no hope," he said

"When does hope last more than a day?" Yopsvoyomatsky said. "The power of the status quo will be arrayed against Obama...Maybe he will prevail..."

He looked around the empty room with satisfaction. "Looks like the party is over," he said to the blonde. "Want a cucumber?"

Comments
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i loved it

good take on a russian interpretation, except that this smacks of soviet more so than post-soviet mentality and the "mentaliTET" is changing, in my endogeneous opinion... but still a great take... my guess is that Russia has a few geopolitical moves left (Iskander missiles being just a diplomatic "kameshek" to test the waters)... also, i am no entirely sure that the West and Eeast exhausted all non-zero-sum scenarios of reciprocal prosperity and geopolitical face-saving.

 bud' zdorov, bratok

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News of suicidal Georgian

News of suicidal Georgian bravado (generals playing with their new toys) reinforces your point. I hate to say it, but the Germans are smarter about Russia than we are. If you are endogenous I must be galactic (I'm from Brooklyn) but the Iskander move smacks of the Cuban missile test of JFK and other baseless provocations. Are the oligarchs just a cooler version of the nomenklatura? Is Putin, with his beefcake photos and homespun quotes just a Lenin for the 21st. century. I'll defer to your opinion.

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good

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