where the writers are
southwestern sojourn

MY EARLIEST RECOLLECTION  IS IN EL PASO TEXAS, IN A LITTLE HOUSE UPSTAIRS, WATCHING THE TRAINS GO BY AT NIGHT. MY ‘’WARD’’ WAS A YOUNG MEXICAN GIRL  WHO FED ME REFRIED BEAN SANDWICHES, WHEN I TOLD HER I WAS HUNGRY. I REMEMBER  ALL THE LIGHTS BELOW IN A BLUR, SINCE I HAVE BEEN NEARSIGHTED ALL MY LIFE. ANOTHER EARLY MEMORY IS RECEIVING A BATH IN A LARGE GALVANIZED TIN TUB WITH MY ‘’SISTER’’. THIS STORY IS MY ATTEMPT TO FORGE BOLDLY AHEAD, WITHOUT EDITING OR  SOFT SOAPING MY LIFE.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     I WAS BORN ILLIGITIMATELY [SIC] TO A YOUNG MEXICAN GIRL[16] WHO WAS SEDUCED BY A INDIAN TRUCK DRIVER AT A DANCE . IT WAS EITHER JUAREZ MEXICO, OR EL PASO . HE KEPT DRIVING HIS TRUCK. SHE ENDED UP PREGNANT , UNWED IN 1954. SHE WAS ‘’SENTENCED TO A FULL PREGNANCY AT A HOME FOR UNWED MOTHERS, RUN BY THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. I HAVE NO DOUBTS THAT SHE WAS CHASTISED  HER ENTIRE STAY. BACK IN THE FIFTIES, ADOPTION AGENCIES WERE AKIN TO USED CAR LOTS, CHILDREN WERE PLENTIFUL, COULD BE ‘’BOUGHT’’ FOR A FEE. I HAVE AN OLD BLACK AND WHITE PICTURE OF MY FOSTER ‘’MOTHER’’ HOLDING ME, BEAMING AT A CAUCASIAN WOMAN WHO PROBABLY CONCERTED THE ENTIRE ADOPTION.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      MY BIRTH RECORDS INDICATE I WAS BORN TO MY FOSTER PARENTS. MY ADOPTED SISTER , AND ADOPTED BROTHER ALSO. I AM WRITING THIS ACCOUNT  TO ATTEMPT TO HELP OTHER ADOPTEES WHOM THE STATE OF TEXAS WONT UNSEAL RECORDS TO OTHERS LIKE MYSELF, ‘’WALKING IN THE DARK’’. I WAS ADOPTED BY A MIDDLE CLASSED MEXICAN AMERICAN COUPLE, WHO LIVED IN EL PASO.   MY ‘’FOSTER MOTHER’’ CAME FROM A FAIRLY MIDDLE CLASS FAMILY WHO OWNED A THRIVING MEXICAN RESTAURANT IN DOWNTOWN EL PASO CALLED LA’’ CASITA’’. SHE RAN THE RESTAURANT, KEEPING THE BOOKS, RUNNING THE STAFF, ETC. MY EARLIEST RECOLLECTION  WAS GOING DOWN THERE TO EAT, BEING KISSED BY ALL OF THE WOMEN COOKS, AND GENERALLY DOTED UPON.  I REMEMBER RED NAUGAHIDE BOOTHS, A LUNCH COUNTER WITH THE ROUND RED STOOLS. I VIVIDLY REMEMBER THE GLASSES, COFFEE CUPS, THE CUTLERY OF THE FIFTIES.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   WE LIVED IN THREE DIFFERENT HOUSES. THERE WAS ONE THAT WAS A TWO STORY HOUSE, WITH A BASEMENT.[ THE ALLEY CATS WOULD LINE UP ALONG THE FENCE AT DUSK, STARING TOWARDS THE HOUSE, SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF ME! ] BROWN ST WAS AN OLD BRICK HOUSE. WE EVENTUALLY BOUGHT A BRAND NEW HOUSE ON STRATUS RD. IN WESTERN HILLS COUNTRY CLUB. WE ALWAYS HAD NICE CARS, NICE CLOTHES, PLENTY OF FOOD, SHOW CASE HOMES, INSIDE AND OUT. WE HAD A MEXICAN INDIAN WOMAN HOUSEKEEPER FOR 16 OR 17 YEARS, WHO WAS MORE OF A GRANDMOTHER .                                                                                                                                             BACK IN TEXAS, ITS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT MONEY, GOD, LOOKING GOOD, KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES’S, AND DON’T FORGET FOOTBALL. MY FOSTER MOTHER, WHOM I SHALL CALL [ESTHER] , MET THIS HANDSOME NIGHTCLUB SINGER WHOM I SHALL CALL [ JOE], WAS BORN  POOR IN JUAREZ MEXICO, WHO GAINED HIS CITIZENSHIP [ IF HE COULD SURVIVE THE ARMY INFANTRY IN WORLD WAR TWO.] HE DID, GAINING THE PURPLE HEART AND OTHER MEDALS FOR  HIS VARIOUS

CAMPAIGNS.ALSO GAINING HIS          U.S CITIZENSHIP.HE WAS INTRODUCED TO ESTHER, HE SWEPT HER OFF HER FEET, THEY MARRIED SOON AFTER. WE WERE ADOPTED BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY , THEY COULDN’T PRODUCE CHILDREN.                                                                                                                                                            MY’’ SISTER’’, GLORIA, WAS ADOPTED AT THE AGE OF 3. SHE WOULDN’T GO TO ESTHER AT FIRST, CHOOSING  JOE. SHE EVENTUALLY WARMED UP TO HER. I CAME TO THEIR LIVES, AFTER  I WAS BORN AT THE UNWED MOTHERS HOME, AND[ SO THEY TOLD ME] LIVING IN AN ORPHANAGE,RUN BY SOME CATHOLIC AGENCY, FOR THE FIRST YEAR OF MY LIFE.  THEN CAME OUR BABY ‘’BROTHER’’, WHO I SHALL CALL  JAMES. WE WERE  BAPTIZED CATHOLICS. I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER  ALL THE POMP AND CEREMONY OF A LATIN MASS, WHICH I GREW TO HATE AND LOATHE.  IF WE DIDN’T SIT PERFECTLY STILL IN CHURCH, RAPTLY GIVING ALL OF OUR ATTENTION TO A LATIN PRATTLE, WE WOULD BE PINCHED OR  THREATENED TO A BEATING[ WHICH WOULD COME IN VARIOUS FORMS].  GOD WAS TO BE FEARED, AND EVERY BUMP, SCRAPE, BRUISE, CAME AS A DIRECT RESULT OF GOD PUNISHING ME FOR BEING ‘’BAD’’.                                                                                                                                                   MY CHILDHOOD WAS ‘’STOLEN’’ FROM ME AT AN EXTREMELY EARLY AGE. I WOULD WAKE UP IN MY CRIB, OR BED, TO JOE FELLATING ME , AND ATTEMPTING TO THRUST HIS FINGER IN MY ANUS.  HE WOULD TELL ME TO NOT MAKE ANY NOISE, THAT PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER DO ‘’THESE THINGS’’,  TO EACH OTHER, NOT TO TELL MY MOTHER..  OUR HOUSEKEEPERS TEENAGE SON WOULD DO THE SAME THINGS TO ME WHEN I WAS LEFT IN HIS CARE OCCASIONALLY.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        OUR ‘’FAMILY’’ WENT TO CALIFORNIA IN 1965  FOR A TRIP, VISITING ‘’RELATIVES’’ IN EAST L.A. ALL I REMEMBER WERE SIRENS AND SMOKE. I ASKED MY UNCLE OR AUNT,[CANT REMEMBER] WHY ALL THE SIRENS AND SMOKE?  THEY TOLD ME, THE ‘’NEGRITOS ARE BURNING DOWN WATTS,’’,, THEY ARE ANGRY. I WAS TAKEN DEEP SEA FISHING BY AN ‘’UNCLE’’ OFF OF LONG BEACH. I WAS ELEVEN YEARS OLD. I NEEDED TO PEE, SO MY UNCLES FRIEND, WHO [IS A BLUR] HAD BEEN DRINKING FOR A FEW HOURS VOLUNTEERED TO TAKE ME TO THE RESTROOM. AS I PEED, HE STOOD LURCHING OVER ME, GRINNING LEWDLY. AFTER I WAS DONE, HE STARTED FONDLING ME AND ATTEMPTING TO MASTERBATE ME, IN FRONT OF SOME OTHER MEN IN THE RESTROOM WHO SAW WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND FEIGNED  A NONCHALANCE ATTITUDE TORWARDS IT ALL. I KNOW THEY SAW IT. I KNOW. I NEVER FELT SO UNSAFE , FELT THAT MEN DIDN’T CARE ABOUT ME, A CHILD, WHO WAS BEING  SO BLATANTLY MOLESTED IN PUBLIC. WHEN WE CAME BACK UP TO OUR SPOT ON THE BOAT, I WAS STILL CRYING. AFTER A QUICK ‘’HUDDLE WITH MY UNCLES ‘’FRIEND’’, MY UNCLE TOOK ME THE THE GRILL ON THE BOAT, TELLING ME, ‘’ORDER WHAT YOU WANT, WHATEVER YOU WANT’’. I CAUGHT A BARRACUDA, WHICH WAS SUPPER THAT NIGHT,[ THE PEDOPHILE WAS AT DINNER ALSO, LEERING AT ME THE ENTIRE TIME]                                                                                                                                                                                                                          I NEVER FELT THAT AN ADULT WOULD EVER  SAVE ME , FROM ANYONE  WHO WAS VIOLATING ME IN ANY FORM. THE WORLD WAS A FORBIDDING, FRIGHTENING PLACE AS LONG AS I COULD REMEMBER AS A CHILD.                                                                                                                                                                                                    I WENT TO A THERAPIST IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, [WHERE I HAVE RESIDED FOR MOST OF MY LIFE]  SHE WAS A CAUCASIAN WOMAN WITH TWO FLUFFY WHITE POODLES. I BELIEVE I WAS 35, OR 36.  I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, HOW CAN THIS BITCH WITH TWO FLUFFY WHITE POODLES HELP ME?[ BY THIS TIME IM TOTALLY JADED AND CYNICAL ,UNTREATED MOLESTATION VICTIM CAN GET!] BY THEN, I HAD BEEN IN TREATMENT  FOR ALCOHOL/ DRUG ADDICTION SEVERAL TIMES. I DIDN’T TRUST MY CURRENT SPONSOR TO DIVULGE THIS INFORMATION WITH HIM.  I WAS PLEASED TO FIND OUT THAT MY THERAPIST WAS AN RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC.                                                                                                                                                         AFTER I TOLD HER  THAT I HAD BEEN REPEATEDLY MOLESTED BY ‘’JOE’’, SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID,, YOU  PROBABLY FEEL GUILTY ABOUT ‘’GIVING IN ‘’, AND ENJOYING [ AFTER MY FIRST INITIAL ORGASM, AT THE AGE OF 10] ?  SHE TOLD ME THAT IT WASN’T MY FAULT, THAT EVEN THOUGH YOU FELT, AND FEEL GUILTY FOR ENJOYING ITSHE TOLD ME,’’ YOUWERE SEXUALLY STIMULATED AT 10 YRS. OF AGE. YOUR CHILDHOOD WAS ROBBED FROM YOU FROM THE CRIB. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. EVEN THOUGH YOU HATED AND LOATHED JOE, YOU SURRENDERED TO THE MOLESTATION, LIKE  VICTIMS DO. I CRIED INWARDLY. I HADNT CRIED IN A LONG TIME. I WAS SHUT DOWN SO LONG EMOTIONALLY, I WAS A ROBOT.                                                                                                                                                                              I STILL DON’T CRY TOO OFTEN. ‘’JOE’’ DIED ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO. I CONFRONTED HIM WHEN I WAS ABOUT 31. I TOLD HIM, WHAT YOU DID TO ME WAS ‘’FUCKED UP’’. I FANTASIZED KILLING YOU WHEN I GREW UP TO BE A MAN. THE HATRED I HAD IN ME FUELED ME[IN A SICK WAY] TO SURVIVE. I TOLD HIM, ‘’IF I EVER SEE A CHILD IN YOUR LAP, OR HEAR ABOUT ANY INAPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR, YOU WILL BE AN OLD PEDOPHILE IN  PRISON IF I HAVE MY WAY.’’ I DIDN’T FEEL ANY PEACE UNTIL HE WAS DEAD.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     HE HAD A HISTORY OF LEAVING MY’’MOM’’, AT NIGHT CLUBS, PARTIES TO GO HAVE SEX WITH MEN OR WOMEN, IT DIDN’T MATTER TO HIM. HE DID THIS TO HER ALL HIS LIFE. [ AS A DEVOUT CATHOLIC], SHE WASN’T GOING TO DIVORCE HIM, EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE MANY DRUNKEN ROWS WHERE WE WOULD BE CALLED INTO THE DEN, WHERE WE WERE INFORMED OF, ‘WE ARE GETTING DIVORCED’’, WHO DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WITH’’?   WE WOULD ALWAYS CHOOSE ‘’MOM’’, WHO WOULD LOOK AT ’’JOE’’  AND  GLOAT.  WHEN I WAS IN THE THIRD GRADE, ATTENDING SHANDIN HILLS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL , MY TEACHER,[MRS. BUTTS], HAD ME STAND UP IN FRONT OF CLASS AND ANNOUNCE,’’ YOU ARE THE DUMBEST KID IN THIS CLASS’’’. I DISSOLVED INTO TEARS, STANDING WOODENLY, UNTIL I REALIZED I  DIDN’T HAVE TO STAY. I RAN HOME AND TOLD ‘’MOM’’. ‘’I AM NEVER GOING BACK TO SCHOOL, NEVER EVER’’. SHE LOADED ME UP IN THE CAR, HALED ASS UP TO THE SCHOOL, WENT TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE, DEMANDED TO SEE MRS. BUTTS IMMEDIATELY. THREATENED TO SUE THE SCHOOL DISTRICT IF I DIDN’T GET AN IMMEDIATE APOLOGY AND A TRANSFER TO ANOTHER CLASS.                                                                                                                                                                                       I NEVER  ATTEMPTED TO PARTICIPATE IN SCHOOL AGAIN, UNTIL I WENT BACK TO JUNIOR COLLEGE. I SUFFERED. I SHUT DOWN. WHEN THE REPORT CARDS WOULD COME, MY ‘’PARENTS’’ WOULD LECTURE ME IN SPANISH, AND IN ENGLISH THAT THEY WORKED SO HARD , SO I COULD BRING D’S AND F’S HOME.? IN TEXAS, WHERE LOOKING GOOD IS EVERYTHING,,,, WHEN VISITING RELATIVES , OR FRIENDS OF THE FAMILY,,, OUR ‘’HOSTS WOULD SAY, JOHNNY, ‘’BRING OUT YOUR  REPORT CARD TO SHOW ‘’ESTHER’’ AND ‘’JOE’’. A’S AND B’S. ALWAYS….. MY PARENTS WOULD SAY, OUR KIDS ARE DUMB,, THEY MAKE BAD GRADES,,, IF THEY MADE GOOD GRADES,, WE WOULD BUY THEM ANYTHING THEY WANTED,,,  I WOULD SIT THERE HUMILIATED,, WHILE THEY GLOATED OVER ‘’JOHNIES GRADES’’. IT WAS HUMILIATING TO BE PUT ON THE SPOT REPEATEDLY IN FRONT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS. I SUFFERED FROM STUTTERING  AT ABOUT EIGHT YEARS OF AGE, AFTER THE INCIDENT WITH MRS. BUTTS.                                                                                                                                                I SHUT DOWN EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY IN SCHOOL. I WOULD CROSS OFF ANY ANSWER ON MULTIPLE ANSWER QUIZZES, ON TESTS, MY PAPERS WOULD BE BLANK. THE NOTES SENT HOME, THE PARENT/ TEACHER CONFERENCES WOULD END UP GOING HOME, GETTING A LECTURE IN SPANISH, THEN ENGLISH, HOW UNGRATEFUL I WAS TO BRING HOME SUCH BAD GRADES, I WOULD END UP AS A JANITOR, OR A DISHWASHER, BECAUSE I WOULDN’T DO THE WORK.  THEN ‘’JOSE’’ WOULD BEAT ME WITH A BELT, [BUCKLE FIRST], HIS FISTS, KICK ME, ONE TIME HE BEAT ME WITH A COWBOY BOOT[MINE] HEEL FIRST. I WENT TO SCHOOL BLACK AND BLUE FREQUENTLY. I WAS NEVER QUESTIONED BY ANY TEACHERS, MOCKED BY MY PEERS.                                                                                                                                                                                                              THE ‘’LOVE’’ I RECEIVED FROM MY PARENTS WAS ALWAYS BASED ON MY ACADEMICS. ‘’MOM’’, WOULD SLAP YOU DOWN AT THE DROP OF A HAT FOR SAYING, ‘’THAT IS SO STUPID’’. SHE WAS A GOOD CATHOLIC WIFE WITH THE BLINDERS ON, IN TOTAL DENIAL OF HER HUSBANDS INFIDELITIES.  SHE KNEW THAT HE WAS MOLESTING MY SISTER, AND ME.  SHE CAUGHT ME PLAYING WITH MY SISTERS TOYS ONE TIME, SO SHE DRESSED ME IN GIRLS CLOTHES, AND MADE ME WEAR THEM FOR HER.. THE WORST THING SHE EVER DID TO ME WAS PACK MY CLOTHES IN GROCERY BAGS, AND TELL ME THAT ‘’ WE ARE TAKING YOU BACK WHERE  WE GOT YOU FROM. YOU ARENT REALLY OUR SON.’’  THIS HAPPENED REPEATEDLY. WHEN I CONFRONTED HER, SHE DENIED IT EVER HAPPENING. WE FOUND OUT WE WERE ADOPTED WHEN ONE OF OUR ‘’COUSINS’’, SLEPT OVER WITH MY SISTER. SHE WAS ARGUING WITH MY SISTER, AND THRUST THE TRUTH IN MY SISTERS SIDE,,,’’ YOU GUYS ARE ADOPTED, ALL 3 OF YOU. THEY ARENT YOUR MOM AND DAD.  IT TURNED OUR LIFE UPSIDE DOWN. I WAS 12 YEARS OLD. I WAS OVERJOYED THAT THE MONSTER WASN’T MY FATHER, AND THE ICE QUEEN WASN’T MY MOTHER.  SO,, WE ASKED,, WHO ARE OUR REAL PARENTS, WHY DIDN’T THEY WANT US? WHERE ARE THEY, WHAT IS OUR TRUE NAMES,,, ETC.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     THEN CAME THE TIRED BULLSHIT THAT ALL ADOPTEES ARE SUBJECTED TO,,,, YOU WERE SPECIAL, YOU WERE CHOSEN’’. I AM NOT A GODDAMNED PUPPY IN A BOX IN FRONT OF STATER BROS.! SO LIFE WAS REALLY STRANGE. I STARTED SMOKING MARIJUANA WITH THE OLDER PAPER BOYS IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. I BEGAN STEALING MONEY FROM MY ‘’FATHERS’’ PANTS. I BROKE INTO HOUSES, STARTED FIELDS ON FIRE, BROKE WINDOWS, THREW ROCKS AT CARS.  THEN, ‘’JOSE’’ BEFRIENDED A YOUNG GUY THAT WAS PURSUING MY SISTER UNTIL SHE FOUND OUT HE WAS MILDLY RETARDED. ‘’JOSE’’ MOVED IN ON HIM, JUST ABOUT ADOPTED HIM INTO OUR HOME. MY PARENTS WOULD HAVE HIM BEAT ME UP TO TRY AND ‘’TOUGHEN ME UP’’, UNTIL I TOOK A BAT TO HIM.  WHAT WAS SO PATHETIC WAS THE FACT THAT MY PARENTS MARTYRED THEMSELVES,,,’’ WE CANT UNDERSTAND WHY HE AND HIS SISTER  GET SUCH BAD GRADES’’ , WE PROVIDE THEM WITH SUCH A BEAUTIFUL HOME, NICE CLOTHES, ETC, ETC. ‘’JOSE’’ ENDED UP MOLESTING ‘’HARRY’’,WHICH HE SEEMED TO BE PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH..                                                                                                                                                                                                      MY YOUNGEST BROTHER WAS ‘’THE GREAT WHITE HOPE’’ OF THE HOUSEHOLD. HE MADE GOOD GRADES, WAS THE ‘’BABY OF THE FAMILY. JOE NEVER TOUCHED HIM BECAUSE HE WAS FAVORED OVER ALL OF US, EVEN ‘’JOE’’. MY SISTER WAS A BEAUTIFUL TEENAGER. SHE HAD BOYS FIGHTING OVER HER CONSTANTLY. WE LIVED IN SAN BERNARDINO, CALIF. KNOWN TO THE LOCALS AS ‘’BERDOO’’. IT WAS 1966. SHE STARTED GOING OUT WITH HELLS ANGELS, ZOOMING AWAY ON THEIR CHOPPERS, GREEN MOUNTAIN BOYS, RED MOUNTAIN BOYS,, LONG HAIRS DRIVING PANEL TRUCKS, HEARSTS, BUGS. SHE WOULD COME HOME AND SLEEP FOR 2 DAYS STRAIGHT. SHE STARTED RUNNING AWAY FROM 14 ON. SHE WAS ON PROBATION FOR BEING A RUNAWAY. SHE BLEW THE WHISTLE ON ‘’JOSE’’, TELLING HER PROBATION OFFICER THE REASON SHE RAN AWAY WAS  THAT ‘’JOSE’’ WAS MOLESTING HER, AND MYSELF. SHE WANTED US TO BE PLACED SOMEWHERE ELSE. WHEN MY PARENTS WERE ASKED ABOUT IT THEY WERE INDIGNANT. ‘’JOE’’ SOLD JEWELERY FOR A SWANKY STORE, WORE EXPENSIVE SUITS, HAD A BIG DIAMOND RING. WE HAD AN OLD STUDEBAKER WITH FINS. WE WERE SITTING IN THE BACK SEAT. ON THE WAY HOME ‘’JOE’’ BEAT MY SISTER AND MYSELF THE ENTIRE WAY HOME, NOT TOUCHING MY LITTLE BROTHER. WHEN WE GOT HOME HE BEAT US SOME MORE.                                                                                                                                        MY ‘’MOTHER’’ HAD A SMUG LITTLE SMILE ON HER FACE. SHE WAS IN SO MUCH DENIAL, SHE ACTUALLY BELIEVED IT WASN’T HAPPENING.  I USED TO PRAY TO GOD TO HAVE HIM STOP MOLESTING ME. IT NEVER STOPPED. THEY TOOK ME TO A CATHOLIC CHURCH TO TALK TO A YOUNG PRIEST.  THEY TOLD HIM I WAS POSSESSED BY THE DEVIL. HE ASKED ME,’’WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BAD BOY’’? [ I WAS 12 AT THE TIME], I SAID DID YOUR DAD EVER  HOLD YOU DOWN WHEN HE GOT DRUNK, AND HIGH ON DOWNERS, SUCK YOUR DICK, AND TRY STICKING HIS FINGER UP YOUR ASS’’?  THAT WAS THE END OF THAT EXCORCISM.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 ‘’JOES’’ FATHER, MY GRANDFATHER, AND CONSUELO OUR NANNY, WAS THE ONLY LOVING  POSITIVE ROLE MODELS IN MY LIFE. MY GRANDFATHER, JOSE , CAME TO LIVE WITH US AFTER HIS WIFE, AND MY OTHER GRANDMOTHER AND GRANDFATHER[‘’MOMS’’ PARENTS] DIED TOGETHER IN A CAR CRASH. HIS ASPIRATION AS A YOUNG MAN WAS TO BE A CATHOLIC PRIEST. HE LIVED IN JUAREZ, MEXICO. HE MET HIS FUTURE WIFE, AND WAS TORN BETWEEN LOVE FOR A WOMAN, AND  A LIFELONG COMMITMENT [SIC] TO GOD. HE CHOOSE HER.! THE ONLY JOB HE COULD FIND AFTER HE MARRIED HER WAS A BARTENDER [OUT OF EARSHOT OF HIS EMPLOYER, HE WOULD COUNSEL THE WORST ALCOHOLICS AND PLEAD WITH THEM NOT TO DRINK SO MUCH. HE MANAGED TO HOLD ONTO HIS JOB FOR 25 OR 30 YEARS.  HE USED TO GO WITH ME FOR WALKS IN THE DESERT. AS WE WALKED ON SURFACE STREETS, HE WOULD STOOP TO PICK UP EVERY  BENT NAIL, SCREW, WASHER, TO USE FOR FUTURE REFERENCE. I DO THAT ON JOB SITES OR ANYWHERE TO THIS DAY.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       HE SHOWED ME HOW TO HAMMER A NAIL, USE A SAW, REPAIR THINGS, MAKE HOME MADE BOW AND ARROWS, SLINGSHOTS OUT OF INNERTUBES. HE RECEIVED A SMALL SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK EVERY MONTH. MY BROTHER AND JOSE AND I WOULD GET ON THE BUS EARLY SATURDAY MORNING, GO DOWNTOWN TO EL PASO AND GET ON A ELECTRIC TROLLEY ON TRACKS, WITH THE ELECTRIC  CABLE STRUNG ABOVE TO THE MEXICAN BORDER NEARBY. LITTLE KIDS  [YOUNG] WOULD GET ON THE TROLLEY CAR AND BELT OUT THE LATEST MEXICAN HIT ON THE RADIO, [SOMETIMES TWICE IN SUCCESSION], THEN GO AROUND WITH THEIR HAND THRUST OUT FOR A DONATION. THERE WERE ALSO KIDS IN THEIR UNDERWEAR PERCHED ON THE CEMENT BRIDGE WHICH CROSSED THE RIO GRANDE, WHO WOULD DIVE FOR COINS THROWN BY THE TURISTAS. THERE WERE COUNTLESS SHOE SHINE BOYS, RAGGED KIDS WHO LIVED ON THE STREET FENDING FOR THEMSELVES, BECAUSE THEIR FAMILIES, [USUALLY JUST A MOTHER WAS PRESENT], THRUST THEM OUT TO THE WORLD TO MAKE IT. THEY WOULD STARE AT MY BROTHER AND I, BECAUSE WE HAD DECENT CLOTHES, AND CAME FROM ‘’THE OTHER SIDE’’. GRANDPA WOULD HEAD FOR THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, AND PROBABLY PRAY THE ENTIRE  MASS. I REMEMBER THE LIFE LIKE FIGURE OF CHRIST, LAYING IN REPOSE IN A GLASS CASE, WITH HIS BLOODY THORNS, THE SPEAR WOUNDS ON HIS SIDE, THE NAIL HOLES IN HIS FEET AND HANDS. GRAMPS ALWAYS PUT THE FEAR OF GOD INTO US. HELL WAS ETERNAL SUFFERING, WITH THE DEVIL PRODDING US ETERNALLY WITH HIS PITCHFORK. ALL THERE WAS TO DRINK WAS FIRE OUT OF OLD SODA BOTTLES, NO WATER.  WALKING DOWN THE STREET, IF HE SPIED A NUN, HE ALWAYS GAVE THEM MONEY. THEN WE WOULD GO SEE HIS OLD FRIEND, THE CHINA MAN, WHO DRESSED IN SILK PAJAMAS, WITH THE LONG THICK BRAID OF HAIR,ALMOST TO THE FLOOR.  HE SPOKE IMPECCABLE SPANISH. GRAMPS KNEW HIM MOST OF HIS LIFE. HE WOULD BUY MEDICINE AND EVERYTHING HE NEEDED FROM THIS CHINAMAN . I ASKED GRAMPS WHY IS A CHINAMAN LIVING IN MEXICO, AND SPEAKING  PERFECT SPANISH? HE REPLIED, CHINA DIDN’T SUIT HIM! HE HAD AN OLD MEXICAN MAN IN FRONT OF HIS GENERAL STORE, PLAYING OLD CLASSIC MEXICAN STANDARDS , ON A HARP. I WOULD STAND TRANSFIXED, RIVETED IN ONE SPOT, TAKING IT ALL IN. MY BROTHER WOULD BE INSIDE, WORKING GRAMPS TO BUY HIM SOME TOY,OR CANDY.                                                                                                                                      THERE WERE MANY MORMONS IN MEXICO ALSO. THE FIRST BLACK MAN I EVER SAW WAS IN MEXICO, SPEAKING SPANISH. WE WOULD GO TO THE TOWN SQUARE WAS AND TAKE IN ALL THE SITES, AND SMELLS. THERE WERE MEXICAN MEN WITH CAGES ON THEIR BACKS, 6 FEET ABOVE THEM, FULL OF SQUAWKING  JUNGLE PARROTS.  THE MEXICAN WOMEN WITH THEIR LONG THICK BRAIDS, LOOKING IMPERIOUS, AND REGAL IN THEIR BEARING, SELLING HOT FOOD, MAKING TORTILLAS, CARRYING BABIES, THE SMELL OF ROTISSERIE CHICKEN IN THE AIR, LEATHER, FRUIT, SHOPKEEPERS CHASING OUT STREET URCHINS WHO WERE STEALING THEM BLIND. WE WOULD GO TO LUNCH, AND USUALLY EAT A ‘’TORTA’’ [MEXICAN VERSION OF A GRINDER] MY GRANDFATHER WAS STOOPED ,WITH A CANE, AND HE WOULD BOAST TO PEOPLE THAT I WAS HIS ‘’BASTION’’] HIS CANE. THE ONLY TIME I REMEMBER HIM BEING MEAN TO ME WAS ONE BREAKFAST. MY PARENTS WOULD CUT THE MILK DOWN WITH POWDERED MILK, TO MAKE IT STRECH. I COULD TASTE IT, AND REFUSED TO DRINK IT. I GOT SLAPPED UNTIL I DRANK IT THROUGH MY TEARS.  MY MOTHER ALWAYS TREATED HIM LIKE A PAIN IN THE ASS. SHE WOULD TELL PEOPLE, ‘’HE CAME TO DINNER ONE NIGHT, AND NEVER LEFT’’. SHE WOULD BE WASHING THE DISHES AT DINNER, AND HE WOULD EAT SLOWLY. MANY TIMES SHE YELLED AT HIM TO HURRY UP. I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT ‘’JOE’’ WOULD TAKE MONEY FROM GRAMPS FOR ‘’RENT’’. [HIS  DRINKING MONEY] I LOVED MY GRAMPA. HE WOULD WATER OUR LAWNS, WEED, PLANT A GARDEN, CARRY HIS LOAD TO THE BEST OF HIS ABILITY. HE WAS STEPPING OVER THESE LOW HEDGES THAT RAN UP TO THE FRONT DOOR WATERING, SLIPPED BROKE HIS HIP. ‘’JOSE’’ DIDN’T TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL FOR THREE DAYS. HE LITERALLY CRAWLED TO THE BATHROOM OUTSIDE HIS ROOM MOANING IN PAIN. WE PLEADED TO TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL. ‘’JOE’’ SAID, HE WILL BE O.K. BESIDES, WE DON’T HAVE THE MONEY.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              HE DIED IN A CONVALESCENT HOME IN SAN BERNARDINO. MY MOM TOOK ME TO SEE HIM ONE LAST TIME. WHEN HE  DIED, MY MOM SAID, HECTOR, HE IS IN HEAVEN NOW. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, THERE IS NO GOD, NO HEAVEN. IF THERE WAS A GOD, WHY WONT HE STOP THE MONSTER FROM COMING INTO MY ROOM AT NIGHT. IF THERE IS A GOD, WHY DID YOU HATE HIM SO MUCH, WHEN ALL HE EVER DID WAS TRY TO PLEASE YOU?                                                                                                                                                       WHEN I CAME TO THE 12 STEP FELLOWSHIPS I ATTEND, THEY INSISTED UPON ‘’ FINDING A GOD OF YOUR UNDERSTANDING’’. MY SISTER ENDED UP RUNNING AWAY, NATION WIDE. SHE MET A VIET NAM VET FROM NEW YORK WHO GOT HER PREGNANT AT 16, THEY MOVED TO NEW YORK, HIS FAMILY REJECTED HER, SHE WAS TURNED OUT TO THE STREETS OF NEW YORK. SHE MET A TRUCK DRIVER ,BOB, WHO LET HER STAY IN HIS APARTMENT WHILE HE WAS ON THE ROAD. HE WAS 30 YEARS HER SENIOR, BUT HE LOVED HER AND GAVE HER 2 MORE CHILDREN. HE TOOK EXCELLENT CARE OF HER. HE FOUGHT CANCER FOR MANY YEARS, UNTIL HE DIED. MY SISTER NEVER SOUGHT OUT ANY PROFFESSIONAL HELP FOR HER MOLESTATION ISSUES. SHE WAS A VICTIM TO THE END OF HER DAYS. WHEN BOB DIED, SHE STARTED USING METHAMPHETAMINES WITH HER KIDS. ALL THE NEIGHBORHOOD DOPERS CONGREGATED AT HER HOUSE. SHE WAS IN HER EARLY FORTIES WHEN SHE STARTED USING.                                                                                                                                        WE HAD TO SELL THE HOUSE WE LIVED IN SAN BERNARDINO, NESTLED TO ‘’LITTLE MOUNTAIN’’ WE ASKED OUR PARENTS WHY WE HAD TO MOVE? THE ANSWER WAS ITS TOO EXPENSIVE, ITS $25,000.  I WAS THE NEW KID IN SCHOOL IN 1966 WHEN WE FIRST MOVED TO THAT NEIGHBORHOOD. I HAD TO FIGHT A KID AFTER SCHOOL AT THE NEIGHBORHOOD ‘’PLUNGE’’. HE BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I WAS A SKINNY, GANGLY GEEK WITH GLASSES. WHEN THE NEXT NEW KID CAME TO SCHOOL, I BEAT HIS ASS, TAKING OUT THE FRUSTRATION I CARRIED ARRIVING TO DAVIDSON ELEMENTARY. SUDDENLY, I WAS A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH.[ THIS RITUAL WAS A  LA ‘’LORD OF THE FLIES’’.]                                                                                                                                                         I ATTENDED ARROWVIEW JUNIOR HIGH IN BERDOO, FROM ‘’67’’, TO ‘’68’’. MY SISTER HAD RUN AWAY TO A ‘’ HIPPIE HOUSE’’, WHERE I HEARD MY FIRST HENDRIX SONG,[THINK IT WAS CROSS TOWN TRAFFIC], WATCHED PEOPLE ‘’HUFFING’’ PAINT OR GLUE FUMES IN A PAPER SACK, SMELLED MARIJUANA FOR THE FIRST TIME. SAW BLACK LIGHT POSTERS ON THE WALL.  I WAS SUPPOSED TO TELL MY SISTER TO COME HOME. SHE TOLD ME I AM NEVER GOING BACK HOME. SHE WAS 14 I BELIEVE. THEY BRAGGED ABOUT STEALING FOOD FROM THE STORES, LIVING IN A COUNTER CULTURE WORLD WHICH I EMBRACED, EVENTUALLY.                                                                                                                                                                                                         I SMOKED ‘’POT’’ WHEN I WAS TWELVE, BUT DIDN’T REALLY START USING HARD DRUGS UNTIL I WAS 14. I WAS TURNED ON TO ‘’CROSS TOPS’’, MEXICAN ‘’WHITES’’. 10 FOR A DOLLAR..  WE MOVED TO THE BORDER OF RIALTO/ SAN BERNARDINO AREA CALLED ‘’THE BENCH’’. WE TRADED HOUSES TO ANOTHER FAMILY. THE NEIGHBORHOOD WAS MIXED WITH WHITE, BLACK, MEXICAN FAMILIES. MANY OF THEM WERE STATIONED AT NORTON AIR FORCE BASE.  THE YEAR IS 1968, IM IN ANOTHER  ‘’NEW SCHOOL’’. I MET MY LONG TERM FRIEND/RUNNING PARTNER, ‘’WILD BILL’’, WALKING HOME FROM SCHOOL.  HIS FATHER WAS DEAD, HIS MOM AND OLDER BROTHER LIVED  DOWN THE STREET FROM ME. BILLS FATHER WAS A COLONEL IN THE ARMY.  BILL HAD A VERY VIVID IMAGINATION. HIS MOM, [WHOM HE STEAMROLLED CONSTANTLY], WAS A GREEK WOMAN HIS DAD MARRIED IN THE WAR..  BILL WAS REALLY PROUD OF HIS GERMAN ROOTS ALSO. HIS BROTHER WAS A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL. WE WERE IN THE 8TH GRADE.  HE KEPT A QUARTER POUND OF MARIJUANA IN HIS LOCKED ROLL UP DESK. BILL KNEW WHERE THE KEY WAS HIDDEN. HE WAS ALWAYS PINCHING SOME FOR US TO SMOKE.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        WE WOULD SIT IN THE REAR BEDROOM DOWN THE HALL, WHERE HE REMOVED THE DOOR KNOB. WE WOULD SMOKE WEED AND LISTEN TO [I BELIEVE, DISRAELI GEARS BY CREAM.] HIS MOM WOULD STOMP DOWN THE HALLWAY AND HISS, I’’ CAN SMELL THAT, STOP IT’’, AND HER EYEBALL WOULD PEER THROUGH THE LATCH HOLE. HE WOULD TELL HER  TO BEAT IT, LEAVE US ALONE, WE ARE SMOKING CIGARRETES.  BILLS BROTHER, GARY WAS A BADASS. HIS FRIENDS WERE A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH.  THEY DROVE MUSCLE CARS, HAD PRETTY GIRLFRIENDS, AND THEY SOLD DRUGS. WE WANTED TO BE  JUST LIKE THEM WHEN WE GREW UP. GARY WAS A FATHER FIGURE TO BILL. HE WOULD THREATEN HIM WITHIN AN INCH OF  HIS LIFE. HE ALSO USED TO MAKE US WRESTLE EACH OTHER, THEN HAVE BOTH OF US ATTEMPT TO OVERPOWER HIM.  [NEVER HAPPENED]. HIS BROTHER AND HIS FRIENDS HAD RIFLES,SHOTGUNS, PISTOLS. WE WOULD GO SHOOTING IN THE WASH CONSTANTLY. BILL TAUGHT ME HOW TO SHOOT A 12 GAUGE SHOTGUN.  BILL AND HIS NEIGHBOR , HIATT WERE DOVE HUNTING IN THE WASH  WHEN THEY WERE ROBBED AT GUNPOINT BY TWO BLACK KIDS ON SCRAWNY  HORSES. THERE WAS A OLD BLACK MAN NAMED ‘’BUCK’’, WHO RENTED OUT NAGS FOR A DOLLAR AN HOUR.. GARY AND HIS FRIENDS DROVE UP TO BUCKS, PULLED SHOTGUNS AND PISTOLS, AND GOT BACK THE TWO SHOTGUNS STOLEN.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     DAVE SHOOK WAS A GUY WHO LIVED AROUND THE CORNER WITH HIS MOM. HE WAS OUR AGE, BUT LIVED A LOT FASTER THAN WE DID. HE WAS A ‘’HOOD’’. IN JUNIOR HIGH HE WOULD HAVE ME BE A HUMAN ‘’SHIELD IN THE CAFETERIA, WHILE HE LOADED UP HIS NAVY PEA COAT WITH FOOD, THEN BUY A CARTON OF MILK.  HE WAS KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL FOR  KNOCKING THE PRINCIPAL ON HIS ASS , AFTER HE WAS ASKED ‘’WHY ARENT YOU IN CLASS’’? [ HE WAS MY HERO] YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT  ITS 1968, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE WEARING 501 LEVIS, POCKET  T SHIRTS, ENGINEER BOOTS, AND LEVI JACKETS. MY MOM WAS STILL DRESSING ME LIKE I  WAS A CLOTHES MODEL OUT OF A SEARS AND ROE BUCKS CATALOG, COMPLETE WITH THE BLACK FRAMED GLASSES AND ‘’PILGRIM SHOES’’, WITH THE SQUARE BUCKLE.  IM TALL , SKINNY, WEARING BLACK FRAMED GLASSES. I AM GETTING LOADED, I AM LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT. BACK THEN YOUR ‘’ REP ‘’ WAS BASED ON YOUR FIGHTING ABILITY, HOW YOU HANDLED YOURSELF IN A ‘’RUMBLE’’. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO ‘’FIT IN ‘’ .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       ONE DAY AT SCHOOL, BILL PULLED ME ASIDE AND SAID ‘’TRY ONE OF THESE’’ . IT WAS A SMALL WHITE PILL WITH AN ‘’X’’ IN THE MIDDLE, CALLED A ‘’CROSS TOP’’. IT MADE THE TOP OF MY HEAD TINGLE, GAVE ME THE ABILITY TO TALK TO GIRLS, DO MY WORK,  IT MADE ME FEEL EQUAL TO EVERYONE. BEING A MOLESTATION VICTIM, I FELT NO GIRL WOULD WANT ME IF SHE KNEW WHAT  I WENT THROUGH AS A CHILD.  DAMAGED GOODS.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   THEY CAME IN AN  ALUMINUM FOIL ‘’RACK’’, STACKED NEATLY UPON THEMSELVES, 10 FOR A DOLLAR. IWAS NEVER A SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, BUT I HAD BEEN A CLASS COMEDIAN FOR  YEARS. SPEED PUT A CAUSTIC EDGE ON MY SKITS.  THIS GUY THAT CALLED ME ‘’GOOFY’’, ‘’NERD’’, ETC, WAS WALKING HOME FROM SCHOOL ONE AFTERNOON, WITH ALL HIS WOOD SHOP PROJECTS STACKED IN HIS ARMS.  HE CALLED ME  SOMETHING,,, THE GIRLS LAUGHED, I SAW RED AND ALL THAT PENT UP ANGER I KEPT BOTTLED INSIDE FOR A YEAR CAME TO THE SURFACE. I PUNCHED HIS ELBOW AND ALL HIS PROJECTS HIT THE FROUND, CHIPPING AND BREAKING.  HE ANNOUNCED ‘’IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS’’, AND WE COMMENCED TO FIGHTING. WE WERE ROLLING AROUND ON THE GROUND, I HAD HIM IN A HEADLOCK, WHEN HE COMMENCED TO BITE ME ON THE THIGH. I SPRUNG UP AND KICKED HIM FIVE OR 6 TIMES. HIS SISTER WAS IN THE CROWD, PLEADING WITH ME TO STOP. I LET HIM STAND UP, AND PUNCHED HIM SQUARE IN THE MOUTH, SENDING HIM FLYING BACK. HE WAS BLOODIED AND LUMPED UP PRETTY BAD.                                                                                                                                                                                                                             AFTER THAT INCIDENT I REALLY DIDN’T GET BULLIED AROUND TOO MUCH.  IT MADE ME FEEL POWERFUL. I TOOK ALL THE RAGE, HATE, GUILT, SHAME, AND BLEW IT OFF ON SOMEONE ELSE. DAVE SHOOK WAS ALWAYS SHOWING US MOVES HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS HOLD, PUNCHING US IN VULNERABLE SPOTS, SHOWING US PRESSURE POINTS.  DAVE GOT KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL AND STARTED SELLING POT OUT OF HIS MOTHERS HOUSE. SHE ALLOWED HIM TO SMOKE POT IN THE HOUSE.  THEIR WAS A GUY AROUND THE CORNER WHO WOULD SELL HIM KILOS OF WEED, JARS OF SPEED,[1,000 COUNT] FROM MEXICO. , EVENTUALLY, DAVE STARTED SHOOTING[‘’REDS’’, SECONAL] HEROIN, SHOOTING LSD FOR THE INSTANTANEOUS ‘’PEAK’’, HE BRAGGED ABOUT SHOOTING BACARDI 151. HE ALWAYS HAD TO TAKE MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE. WE WOULD USUALLY FIND HIM IN A CHAIR ON THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE, LEANED BACK AND ‘’NODDING’’ IN AND OUT OF CONSCIENCENESS. HE DIED AT THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 21, OR 22. WHEN I TALKED TO GARY ABOUT IT, HE SHRUGGED AND SAID,’’ DAVE WAS A FUCKING IDIOT’’.  I IDOLIZED THE GUY, EVEN THOUGH I SWORE I WOULD NEVER STICK A NEEDLE IN MY VEIN.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     MY GRADES KEPT GETTING WORSE,,I REFUSED TO CUT MY HAIR. . AFTER A NEW YEARS EVE PARTY AT MY UNCLE ‘’CHUY’S’’ HOUSE, JOSE STUMBLED IN, DRUNK AS A SKUNK, SAW MOM TALKING TO A ‘’MAN’’ [HER NEPHEW] AND STORMED HOME , TO DRINK BY HIMSELF. [NOW THAT I HAVE BEEN IN ‘’RECOVERY’’, I SURMISED THAT HE WAS TOO DRUNK  TO SOCIALIZE AT HIS BROTHERS  PARTY, SO HE RETREATED TO HIS DEN TO  DRINK ROT GUT WINE.  I HAD JUST TURNED 16, SO MY ‘’MOM’’ LET ME DRIVE THE 65 LINCOLN WE OWNED HOME FROM ONTARIO. WE GOT HOME , ALL THE ELECTRICITY WAS OUT. JOE HAD BLOWN ALL THE CIRCUITS OUT. I WENT TO THE BREAKER BOX OUTSIDE THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW WHEN I HEARD JOE SAY, ‘’I SAW YOU TALKING TO THAT GUY AT THE PARTY’’. THEN I HEARD HIM SLAPPING HER, WHILE SHE PLEADED, ‘’DON’T HIT ME JOE, IT WAS YOUR NEPHEW’’.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I RAN IN THE HOUSE,DOWN THE HALLWAY FULL BORE, SHE WAS ON THE GROUND COWERING IN FEAR. I HIT HIM WITH MY PALMS IN THE CHEST BOUNCING HIM AND HIS HEAD OFF THE WALL. HE SLID DRUNKENLY DOWN THE WALL. I STOOD OVER HIM AND THREATENED TO KILL HIM IF HE EVER TOUCHED HER AGAIN. I HAD A HATE/LOVE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER ALL MY LIFE. THEN SHE SAID, ‘’DON’T TALK TO YOUR FATHER LIKE THAT’’. SOON AFTER THAT INCIDENT, ESTHER TRIED TO CUT MY HAIR, I LAUGHED AT HER. SHE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A BROOM . I TOOK IT AWAY FROM HER. . SHE DID HER USUAL CALL JOE AT WORK IMMEDIATELY SO HE COULD ‘’STEW’’ ALL DAY AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME. IF HE HAD A BAD DAY AT WORK, HE WOULD COME HOME WITH THAT UNHOLY LOOK IN HIS EYES AS HE PEELED OFF HIS COAT. [HE WAS 6 FT. TALL, 200LBS.] WELL , HE WENT TO HIT ME WITH SOMETHING , I FOUGHT BACK. I EVENTUALLY LEFT THE HOUSE AND GOT LOADED THAT NIGHT.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      ONE NIGHT SOON AFTERWARDS I DECIDED TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME. MY SISTER HAD BEEN DOING IT SINCE THE AGE OF 14. AS I WAS PACKING MY CLOTHES, I OVERHEARD ESTHER AND JOE TALKING OUTSIDE OF MY ROOM, IN A DEN AS THEY WATCHED T.V. ‘’I WONDER IF HE WILL EVER GET MARRIED, SETTLE DOWN, QUIT GETTING LOADED’’?  I FELT LIKE THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT SOME MENTALLY DEFICIENT  LOSER.. MY FRIENDS USED TO SET ME UP WITH SOME REALLY PRETTY GIRLS AND ATTEMPT TO DOUBLE DATE. I WOULD SABOTAGE THESE DATES BY DROPPING A TAB OF LSD BEFORE, OR GETTING DRUNK OUT OF MY MIND, SO I WOULDN’T BE THERE FOR MY DATE. I WAS SO PETRIFIED THAT A WOMAN WOULD ATTEMPT TO LIKE ME, KISS ME, FOR THE SHAME AND GUILT I CARRIED BECAUSE I WAS MOLESTED, DAMAGED GOODS.                                                                                                                                               I REMEMBER THIS REALLY CUTE BLONDE  WHO GAVE IT HER BEST TO SEDUCE ME, TOOK ME HOME TO HER DADS HOUSE,[WHICH I KNEW PERSONALLY], AND TRIED TO MAKE LOVE TO ME. I WAS STILL A VIRGIN,, I FROZE UP, PETRIFIED. WE WERE KIND OF DRUNK, SHE SAID IT WAS O.K.. AND WENT TO SLEEP. THE NEXT DAY I WAS TELLING EVERYONE I SCREWED THE SHIT OUT OF HER. [ IT BIT ME ON THE ASS LATER!]                                                                                                                                                I WENT TO LIVE WITH MY FRIEND STEVE IN RIALTO, AND HIS FAMILY. [I LITERALLY ‘’CRASHED’’ THEIR HOUSE. I GOT A JOB WASHING DISHES AT A PLACE CALL ‘’BY YOU BOBS’’ IN RIALTO CA. THE COOK WOULD FEED ME BEFORE, AND AFTER MY SHIFT. THERE WAS A WAITRESS THERE WHO TOOK A SHINE TO ME AND WOULD ‘’FIX HER NYLONS’’ IN FRONT OF ME WHILE I WAS ATTEMPTING TO WASH DISHES.[ SHE WAS ABOUT 30,[ I THOUGHT SHE WAS SUCH AN OLD LADY]. SHE PETRIFIED ME, BUT,,,, AT THE SAME TIME I WANTED HER REALLY BAD. I WAS THE ONLY ONE WORKING AT THE TIME IN MY ;;CLICK OF FRIENDS’’. I KNEW A LIQUOR STORE THAT WOULD SELL ME LIQUOR , SO ON PAYDAY I HAD A HOST OF NEW FRIENDS. EVENTUALLY I HAD TO MOVE OUT OF STEVES HOUSE, SO I MOVED IN WITH A FRIEND WHO HAD BEEN MY   ‘’BOSS’’ WHO I HAD WORKED FOR AT ZALES, OR GORDONS  JEWELERS. DAVID  WAS AN OLDER GUY, LADIES MAN, I IDOLIZED HIM. I STAYED WITH HIM FOR ABOUT A MONTH . EVEN BACK THEN I WAS DEPRESSED, BUT DIDN’T REALIZE IT.  I KEPT SEEING THESE COMMERCIALS, ‘’BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE, THE U.S. ARMY . I WENT TO THE RECRUITERS OFFICE IN SAN BERNARDINO TO GO TALK TO A RECRUITER.  IT WAS 1973, VIET NAM WAS WINDING DOWN, BEING IN THE ARMY WASN’T SUCH A REAL HOT  PLACE TO BE WITH ALL THE DISSENTION.