Transition is like a slow movng wave,gradually gaining momentum as it heads to the shore,crashing,only to pull back with strong undertow,regaining strength for the next wave,which will build with increasing strength,as wave after wave,ever growing stronger,crashes upon the shore,breaking you in pieces,but not destroying you,and you emerge each time,dripping,shaken,wobbly,but you struggle to stand upright,until you do,waiting for the next wave,with increasing courage,borne from the ones that passed before.
THis is how my whole life has been.A series of transitions.From the shaking three year old child cowering in the corner,to the eight year old who discovered her mother was leaving,to the ten year old who inherited a new family,with no explaination and no warning,to the young teen who was the laughing stock at both home and school,hiding behind thick glasses,nose lodged in a book.And living in a world of fantasy.
And so I grew. My first transition was to contact lenses,where the whole world of dating opened up for me,showing me how vullnerable my heart was,crying out for love. It was a rough road for me,maybe being a throwback from another century,living through the eyes of Heathcliff and CAthy,or Rhett and Scarlett,unaware of the casual way love could hurt,not being seen as I saw it,becoming a pro at nurturing a broken heart.
I fell in love in college.It lasted three months.I mourned for a whole year.THen,on the rebound,I met my husband to be.
We spent two yeears partying,having fun,e playing at being cool through his frat parties,me falling in love with love,and wanting to get away from home,eventually marrying him.
WE had three children.They were the light of my life,and they also showed me how much I needed to learn.When discipling them,I had to hold back and not verbally abuse,or slap them in the face or pull their hair!I had to learn how to explain why something was wrong to do,and let them know I loved them unconditionally.I instinctively knew how to do this,knowing what I had missed as a child.
Throught the years my husband and I both grew in our addiciton to alcohol.I became depressed,as my husband advanced in his career,and left me behind.Finally,after a series of negative experiences,I went back to school,graduated at age 40 and entered the work force.It was at that time that I also got sober,got my depression treated,and began the long hard climb of recovery.
I had little support from family,who didn't understand what was happeneing to me.My husband had married a dependent little girl,needing to be taken care of,and a new woman was growing right before his eyes,and he was bewildered.
I gradually used as many resources as I could;counselling,spiriitual searching,holistic healing,and meetings.
A year ago I lost my heart to someone far away,and he left me with an open wound,but opened me up to faster and stronger transition.for this I am now grateful to him,after getting over hating him for almost a year.
I know now that people come into your life always for a reason.to teach you something.Then,often they leave,their purpose fulfilled for your life.
A few months after my heart was cracked wide open, a new person entered my life.AT first I was so afraid.He was honest,direct,and forthright.he was a writer,and we still remain friends to this day.He introduced me to a new practice of sgi Buddhism,of which I will be inducted into on Oct 3. Since chanting,some of my wildest dreams are coming true.I am almost ready to submmit my first song as a demo,after hiding my talent in the cellar,thinking I wasnt good enough.Now I have the courage to jump in,even if I fail.My friend is doing the same thing with a movie he has just written.WE are encouraging each other.WE live in similar sitiuations,in a union that is unsatisfactory,but both of us committed to it.
I have grown to deeply love this man,as a wonderful friend,and it is returned in kind.what happens next remains to be seen,but I have grown in leaps and bounds since knowing him,and his brutal honesty,which has helped me face things about myself I didn't want to look at.Being opened by the heartbreaker was the prerequsite for this self discovery.
There are still many transitions yet to follow,and the waves will continue to crash upon the shore of my life.There will be joy and there will be pain.but I have faith in my heart now,that I can change myself,my outlook and,just maybe,my fortune.
Causes Heather Koelle Supports
public health care,world peace,environmental stewardship,psychology,society against child abuse,spiriitual and psychological quests,recovery issues,mental...