I was suprised and happy to see this week's topic.It actually validates what is happening with me right now and for the past 9 months. I hadn't thought of it as a revolution,but rather a rebirth with a long protracted labor,probably breech postition!
Nine months ago I was vacationing in Florida with my family,staying with a family friend. While perusing the computer one day I saw a post on a webiste that I also belonged to that hit me right between the eyes. I didn't know why at the time,but I did know that I needed to respond to this man who seemed to have put my own thoughts into words.
And so we began an email connection,at first writing about our common theme on the site,but rapidly getting more personal and sharing our stories with each other.AS we did so,his empathy and pain began to unfold,and he had an uncanny way of pushing me to keep asking myself questions.His responses were like no other I had ever had,and I never knew how he would react to something I said,being such a sensitive guy.But with all the sharing he began to encourage me to write poetry,as he was a very gifted poet himself. AT first my attempts were lame against his,but he kept telling me to find my own voice,and so I began to write and he would tweak my poems a bit and share his own.
But the uncanny part was that he was really seeing me as a person,really hearing me.I had never experienced this before,except with a few girlfriends. And his words could bring instant tears or laughter,and sometimes anger,too. WE wrote each other every day for five months,watching spring turn into summer,and me falling in love.He knew this,and being a gentleman,held me at arms length to keep us both from getting into an almost impossible situation.He lived 3000 miles away in BErkeley,alone in a littelecottage that he learned to lovingly care for,despite his wife having left and his landlord getting ready to sell the house. He would send me pictures of his woodwork and carpentry,beautiful pieces ,made from scraps discarded by others.And he finally got the strength to clean out all the debris left by his wife,and with it,cleaning out his heart as best as he could. He was lonely and I filled the bill for him for awhile.But one day,in mid August he decided to break our connection,seeing the futility of us ever being a couple,while I had held on for dear life with the hope that somehow we would be together against all odds.
He cracked my soul wide open when he left me.AT first I was so furious at him and I cried solidly for a month.I couldn't understand how he could be so cruel. I felt abandoned,rejected and dissillusioned all at the same time.
But now,almost 4 months later,I am beginning to see what he was doing and what his purpose in my life was,really. The Buddhist saying"when the student is ready the TEacher appears" held true for me.I was desperate to end the terrible black cloud that enveloped my whole being and so sought out help from many places,both holistic and spriitual. I will probably consider therapy sometimes along the way.
I have been married for 43 years.This is the part I left out,onpurpose. I married young,while still in college,and had no sense of who I was or what I wanted.My parents were critical and controlling.Their standards were very high. My DH fit the bill.He was from a good family,hardworking,goodlooking and athletic. This was what I thought I wanted.
WE had 3 wonderful children.by the time the second was born I began to see something was not right.but I pushed it under the rug,telling myself that nothing terrible was happening and he was a good provider even if he left often on business trips leaving me to raise the kids myself. AS the years went by,he worked more and more,and I was alone alot. I finally decided to go back to school to study music therapy.
The kids grew up,The year I graduated college I knew I had a drinking problem,so I sought help for that and the accompanying depression.My DH and i had no intimacy on an emotional level and never had. I was going through many changes during my recovery while he continued to drink.I got no support.EVerything I did to help myself was ridiculed or made to be trivial.I believed for so many yearsthat I didn't deserve anything else.
So when my Berkeley guy cracked me wide open and I discovered he represented what I had needed all my life I felt desparate to hold on to this wonderful thing I was experiencing. The thought of losing him was terrifying.
But he knew my needs and they were great,and he knew he couldn't provide all of them,only do what he could,as he was suffering greatly still from his own failed relationships. So we pushed and pulled and had cyberfights until finally he couldn't take it anymore.
Now I see that being cracked wide open showed me what I needed to do to live my remaining years to live as happily and healthily as I could.This means I have done some detatching,both from my guy and my DH,in order to do the work on myself that I need to do.Things are changing around here.My DH isn't happy.I am too old to start over and want to keep my family intact.So I am trying to live my life as best I can,one day at a time,and feel the deep pain that is finally lessening,because I have faced it squarely for the first time,and I now know I am no longer afraid,no longer need to people please. I am speaking my truth now,and it feels good. I do not yet know the future of our marriage.It depends on whether he is willing to work on it with me.
While I am not out of the woods yet, I am getting stronger every day,and I am learning to make my own happiness with my kids and grandkids,trips away to visit friends,and pursuing lots of interests. My poet(no longer mine,if he ever was) taught me a new art form,a new way of expression. And for this I will always be grateful and hold him in a special place in my heart,forever.
And he taught me not to be afraid of being myself. And I will always be grateful for that,always,for he was the catalyst for my rebirth,my own personal revolution.
Causes Heather Koelle Supports
public health care,world peace,environmental stewardship,psychology,society against child abuse,spiriitual and psychological quests,recovery issues,mental...