It is three days into the new year,and I am full of hope. Looking back to the events of last year,which,for me was a momentous year of self discovery,being opened up,quickly,much of the sludge of 65 years pouring out,I see the sun beginning to shine beneath those dark clouds that once held me in their grip.
I am discovering it is ok to be me,not someone someone else wants me to be,but me,just being who I am.And it feels good.
Today I went to a women's group I attend monthly.It is called "extreme self care" and we have different topics each month from a bo0ok of the same title.One woman leads the group.Today,we deferred from discussion and instead had a wonderful day of pampering.EAch of us brought a gift of a talent we could share.Mary,the group leader,gave shoulder and neck massages,another woman read stones from a book,after each of us picked out 3 with different signs on them,another woman read from her favorite spiritual book.ANother woman and myself read our poems,and I played many songs on my keyboard.WE had refreshments,as well,and since i knew the men were home watching football,it was a good escape!
And,as I see more distance between me and the man I so loved,I see how futile the whole thing was with so many things stacked against us.And he was unable to act on his beautiful words,so that now all I have are his hundreds of letters tucked away in a drawer.I cant throw them out,for when I re-read them I get new insights each time,into who he really was,and into who I really was. THis is what He wanted for us,I think. So I am really letting go.Its a new year,and he will always rest in a special part of my heart,but I see new beginnings around the corner,this time possibly more real and more down to earth.
It is like a seed has been plalnted,and I know I cant rush its growth,but I can water it and keep the weeds out,andnot give myself away too fast,and learn that what is to be will be and what is not to be will not be.
The clouds have lifted.I was able to call my son on an insult he said to me tonight,being able to hold his anger,apologise and move on.I was able to be present in my group of women, and I was able to see a new sunrise cresting just over that hill there,beautiful,full of peace,ready to teach me something.
And I will not shrink from it,nor will I be afraid,nor will I feel guilty for what pleasure may come.
all is new and fresh,and I await the coming spring to slowly unfold,when its ready.
Causes Heather Koelle Supports
public health care,world peace,environmental stewardship,psychology,society against child abuse,spiriitual and psychological quests,recovery issues,mental...