Last night I attended a free energy healing clinic which is offered every Wednesday night. With the holidays closing in the room was packed with men and women(mostly women)waiting for a 15 miniiute energy healing session. Now some of you may be skeptical of this,especially since the director trained at the Psychic center in Berkeley(also know to my sister as Bezerkley) But for about a week I had been feeling a weakening of my resolve to keep negative energy out and only hold positive energy in.
The holidays are exhausting,mentally physically and spiritually for me, as they are to many,bringing up memories from the past;some good some not so good.And my grumpy husband's outbursts had begun to get under my skin again,leaving me depleted and tired. Added to this is the grieving still going on for the loss of my friend. So,while Brad was reading my energy,he could see "agitation" and could also see that I wasn't goiong to flag on my journey,that this was just a time of being overwhelmed. I told him I was angry at people who dump their negative energy on me,and how hard it is not to take that in and feel wrung out,depleted and exhausted from trying to keep it at bey. BRad told me that I was looking into the future and seeing no hope there. He said instead to look at the present,where I could do something,however small,to take care of myself,as I was at this energy healing.
So today I feel stronger,having had some of that sludge cleared away. I also talked with a woman last night who had been working with teen delinquents and was so depleted that she was leaving her job.Both of us got teary during our healings. I told her about my grieving,and how I had gotten out his letters and re read some of them,as well as his poetry. But I could also see more clearly what had been going on there. I was so desperate to be heard and had felt invisible for so long(all my life) and when this dear man acually validated what I was feeling and heard me I was overcome with emotion,at having this happen. It reminded me of long past therapy sessions where the therapist had validated me,and I would always cry and didn't know why. I also see why I "fell in love" having it be such a new experience for me. He could see things more clearly.While I assuaged his lonliness somewhat and he enjoyed sharing himself with me,he did not love me. AS I read the letters now I can see that.It is hard to take in,but it also lessens the grief,for he still set me on the road to the journey I am on now,and although I miss the distraction of him,who brought me joy and a feeling of being counted as a person,I also see that he was not ready,being a slow journeyer himself,and that he still had his own monsters to fight. He also knew,better than I,that I would not leave my family,as I know what coming from a broken home is like. Of course I wouldn't have left them for him,not even having met him in the flesh.In fact it would have taken lots of "meeting in the flesh" for me to decide such a thing.But my anger,I guess,at him was that he wouldn't even let us try a "test drive".
So much of what happened last spring and summer is still a mystery.Why we were brought together in the first place,and why it didn't work out. If it have happened 20 years ago things might have been different. But then he was fighting the worst demons of his life then.
But here I am,on redroom,writing about my journey,and how I am trying to keep on climbing this high and rocky mountain,and focus on the good things,like the grandkids coming to tri m the tree tonight.
I sent my friend a card but I doubt he will answer.
Causes Heather Koelle Supports
public health care,world peace,environmental stewardship,psychology,society against child abuse,spiriitual and psychological quests,recovery issues,mental...