where the writers are
cracked open

When I least expected it

going about my normal family business

On a vacation in March

A man came through to me in cyberspace

Saying words I had always thought

But never said aloud.

I responded in kind

And soon emails were racing back and forth

As my heart opened wide,beyond my control

His words could bring me to tears in an instant,

Or make me laugh,picturing him in his cottage in Berkeley

discovering the rotten cucumbers in his fridge

Dreaming of a crab in his nose,

And he could make me angry sometimes

Saying I lived in fantasy

to avoid my own loneliness here

but that was only partially true

Because I had already accepted my lot in life

And it wasnt all that bad

I had many blessings like my two little grandkids

Who stole my heart each time I played with them

NO,it wasnt avoidance__

but his pull(his pull on my soul)

That set me to crying in the shower

After reading a poem he wrote just for me,

Or sharing about his joy in making things out of wood

His love of beautiful things

his home,soon to be lost,

His yearly pilgrimage to Gualala

His perserverance of self searching,

And my heart ached for his loneliness,

his failed loves,his dead son,

And I wanted to go to him and heal his sorrow

and take walks with him

And lie in the sun,taking in cloud formations in the sky

Or running hand in hand

down to the surf

plunging in,together

And after,returning to his cottage

to make endless love

watching each other's faces

as we did so.

And I said to him,"why cant we?"

"Why cant I hear your voice in real time instead of a website

why cant I hold you,in real time

Instaed of holding tiny parts of you in emails?"

He said,

"I cant.Its too dangerous for me"

I must erect boundaries to keep this from happening

But I wanted him too much to really hear him,

so I pushed and pushed,feeling time running out,

As we were both getting old.

And so one day he said,
"dont write me anymmore,your letters no longer work for me"

And my soul,cracked wide open

could not contain the tears

that flowed like an endless river,

Blurring everything before me,

My soul,open and vulnerable,

that can never be closed again.