When I least expected it
going about my normal family business
On a vacation in March
A man came through to me in cyberspace
Saying words I had always thought
But never said aloud.
I responded in kind
And soon emails were racing back and forth
As my heart opened wide,beyond my control
His words could bring me to tears in an instant,
Or make me laugh,picturing him in his cottage in Berkeley
discovering the rotten cucumbers in his fridge
Dreaming of a crab in his nose,
And he could make me angry sometimes
Saying I lived in fantasy
to avoid my own loneliness here
but that was only partially true
Because I had already accepted my lot in life
And it wasnt all that bad
I had many blessings like my two little grandkids
Who stole my heart each time I played with them
NO,it wasnt avoidance__
but his pull(his pull on my soul)
That set me to crying in the shower
After reading a poem he wrote just for me,
Or sharing about his joy in making things out of wood
His love of beautiful things
his home,soon to be lost,
His yearly pilgrimage to Gualala
His perserverance of self searching,
And my heart ached for his loneliness,
his failed loves,his dead son,
And I wanted to go to him and heal his sorrow
and take walks with him
And lie in the sun,taking in cloud formations in the sky
Or running hand in hand
down to the surf
And after,returning to his cottage
to make endless love
watching each other's faces
as we did so.
And I said to him,"why cant we?"
"Why cant I hear your voice in real time instead of a website
why cant I hold you,in real time
Instaed of holding tiny parts of you in emails?"
"I cant.Its too dangerous for me"
I must erect boundaries to keep this from happening
But I wanted him too much to really hear him,
so I pushed and pushed,feeling time running out,
As we were both getting old.
And so one day he said,
"dont write me anymmore,your letters no longer work for me"
And my soul,cracked wide open
could not contain the tears
that flowed like an endless river,
Blurring everything before me,
My soul,open and vulnerable,
that can never be closed again.
Causes Heather Koelle Supports
public health care,world peace,environmental stewardship,psychology,society against child abuse,spiriitual and psychological quests,recovery issues,mental...