Once again,it is snowing. Luckily,this time kind of wimpy flakes,falling intermittantly from the sky,adding to the already significant crust of snow and ice everywhere. We were able to free the broken branches from the trees but they are still embedded in ice. Birds stubbornly flutter around our birdfeeders,which probably are keeping them alive.
I did get out over the weekend,when we just had biting cold,to go to a dinner theater with my husband on Saturday and visit my grandkids on Sunday.Yesterday I got to my holistic reiki healer,who was amazed by my progress into strength,of finally putting aside a dream that never was,and becoming more physically grounded in my life.
I was able,also,to get out to the high school indoor pool on Sunday,despite biting wind,and get in a good 45 minute swim.
But still I feel restless,impatient,jittery. I am one who likes to be outdoors and about doing things,and there is only so much floor washing and toilet cleaning one can do!
And I have had time to think,sometimes dangerous,but this time,profitable. I have discovered about myself that when communicating with a friend of the opposite sex,I look for any snippets of words that may indicate love,validation,caring...still. And I know now that my tendency to do this is what gets me in trouble. having isolated someone's words and taken them out of context,so they would fulfill my love starved soul,I managed to create a whole love story out of nothing.(this is rooted in my childhood,and so,is difficult to exorcise)THIs was so evident that even after no communication for over six months,i was still going to the object of my desire's website and reading his poems,sometimes thinking they were indeed,still,for me,and that he dumped me only because he was being noble. Hah!
What broke this illusion apart was when I read a poem,I was so sure was for me,and called him,long distance,only to have him say his final words of rejection to make them"perfectly clear". I hung up the phone,shaking and bewildered,until a friend told me to read the poems again,and see the reference to another woman there,clear as day,and,as much as I had thought this to be an impossibility,him and I being so old and all,There it was! While I felt the sucker punch,it was not as bad as expected,for it all made sense now.I could really let him go.And could really see,in his own distorted way,he gave me a gift,a gift to see what I was indeed doing to myself.And for that I am grateful,despite his cruel way of doing it.
ANd now I have a new friend,this one easy and comfortable, because of his honesty,and me trying to be aware of when I may choose to distort it,to feed that starving soul.But I choose not to do this.Instead,I am myself,and he is himself,and we are fumbling along together,trying to find the answers,all while committed to spouses,and watchful of crossing over into dangerous territory,and just trying to be friends.He fulfills a need in me to care for.I am not sure what need I fulfill in him.
but past heaartbreak has taught me to keep expectations low,and to go on with the rest of my life,since I have discovered I CAN and Do funciton without what I most crave,and try to be mindful of the blessings that are there.
Still I do not bless the snow.I am counting the days til I go South,which will also mark the anniversary of the start of the BIG CHANGE that began a year ago and ended in such a surprising way. God does,indeed,have a sense of humor!
Causes Heather Koelle Supports
public health care,world peace,environmental stewardship,psychology,society against child abuse,spiriitual and psychological quests,recovery issues,mental...