Have you ever wondered what life is really about? I do! For me, I think I have figured it out. My life was tragic; my mother died when I was three, my father is an alcoholic father,I suffered years of abuse,I have lived through tragedies that are unbelievable to most, my best friend died at eighteen,went from rags to riches twice, divorced twice, and I have never felt safe one day in my whole entire life. I still cry at commercials, I used contemplate death, I no longer mourn for a loss of a childhood but it used to consume me, I wonder what it is like to feel normal. What is it like to be a soccer mom anyway? I used to not be able to control my anger. Just ask the man in parking lot at Safeway. My anxiety attacks used to knock me to the ground. I used to wonder if an 8.0 earthquake had just struck, but I knew it hadn't, I was living in Santa Fe, NM. I used to sweat so much when flying that a woman once asked me if there were showers on board. "No, sorry miss, I am just convinced the flight is for sure going down because I am on it. I am actually just sweating because my anxiety is getting the best of me once again."
BUT, what is so unbelievable is I lived through all of that and have come out appreciating every single moment more than most! I have come so far that I cannot imagine not being different than most. I cannot even imagine living a normal soccer mom's life. I am not knocking that life, I am sure if I grew up normal and not afraid of what was going to hit me next, I would be happy for my normal existence. But I didn't, and I appreciate who I am and what it took to get me here.
To me, a girl that used to be sad , lonely, scared, insecure, and downright resentful, life is about the five senses. Let's start with our sense of smell. Do you know how happy you could be if you just focused on the wonderful smells around you for a day, and thought about all the things that you smell that bring you back in time? I love the smell of spring and fall! When I smell leaves burning or smoke coming out of a chimney I remember the good times with my father. I remember him helping us roast marshmallows, not choking our step mother. When I smell spring arriving I remember opening my second story window after a long winter and smelling the fresh smell of air. I remember my father in the early days of spring helping us pack to go down to Florida for spring break. I don't think about the drunken rages he would get into when we arrived at our destination! I love smelling clothes drying with a downy scented dryer sheet. It reminds me of going to my grandmother's house, the one peaceful place I knew, and running through her front door to her open arms. When I arrived in her arms and buried myself in her bosom I will never forget the smell of her perfume. It was musty and sweet at the same time. All I knew is when I smelled her I was at home and I was safe!
Pumpkin pies cooking brings me back to my aunt's house. The smell of the turkey roasting made my mouth water for the dark meat. I was never a white meat eater. I also always had to mix my mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, corn, and turkey together. Not my brother, he ate each item on his plate one at a time, and God forbid they touched each other. I am sure there are others like that. I love the smell of my seven year old's blanky. I constantly grab that blanky and bury my face in it. I try not to think about all the nose picking that has been going on while he is holding that blanky and watching tv. The good news is, I don't care, I love the smell of my children.
That brings us to baby's breath. Ahhh, I used to pull their binky's from their mouth and smell their breath. I was brought to heaven every time! I do love scented candles, pumpkin spice, fresh linen, and apple are my favorites. That smell represents the first time I actually had an extra five dollars to buy a candle. I burned that candle and stared into the flame, while sniffing the air with so much might I almost passed out from candle inhalation! I am not sure why I was sniffing so hard. It wasn't like I was some sort of dog sniffing out the candle robber trying to remember his scent. No, I was just a twenty year old girl that owned a candle.
One of my favorite smell's in the whole world is the smell of the ocean. I will go back to the ocean for every sense I talk about. Oh, the ocean, what a love affair I have with it. I love to look it and smell the ocean air. While standing on the beach I just imagine jumping into the crashing wave, and becoming one with the salt water while letting my body go limp and letting the wave gently set me on the sandy beach. But then I remember my contacts! I cannot open my eyes in the water, if I do I won't be able to see when I get out. I am a -2.75. That is the number that the nice lady at Sears uses to fill my prescription for contacts. My glasses prescription for some reason is only -2.50. Not sure why, and for some reason I don't care enough to ask why. Back to the ocean. If I don't lose my contacts in the water, I know that when I exit the surf I will run to the closest towel with my eyes closed. Usually on the way to my towel I trip over one or two sun worshipers and apologize to them profusely. When they get crabby with me for accidentally kicking piles of sand on them while I trip over their bum I want to say, "hey they skin cancer isn't as bad as some other cancers." But I don't, because truthfully, when I am not sniffing the sea air and running around blindly looking for a towel I am slathering Hawaiin Tropic 4 all over.
Yes, I am a dumb one fooled into buying the number 4, at least I am not using 2. When I am feeling like I need to be sun responsible I reach for number 8. I should feel bad about this, but I don't. There are two reasons why; my family has amazing genes, we don't wrinkle, and for me to not obsess over dying from skin cancer means I have healed a bit in some ways. Sick, I know!
The number one smell to me is; my boyfriend! I know it is so June Cleaver, and I am not June Cleaver. I used to want to kick Ward's butt and tell the Beav to get a real hairdo! In all seriousness, my boyfriend is the first man to love, nurture, protect, and worship me and all my faults. When I smell him or his shirt I feel safe! Safety to me is security!
Have to put the kids to bed. I will write about my sense of sight tomorrow!
Causes Heather Hogan Supports
Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation
Breast Cancer Awareness