Reverend Marcus Antonio, a TV evangelist, held a press conference today to explain the new policy of his Mount Jordan Holy Temple and Drive-Through Confessional (™). Faux News Network religious reporter Matthew Mark Lukejohn covered the event.
Rev. Antonio: I listened to Reverend Pat Robertson explain his amazing revelation that a husband can divorce a wife with Alzheimer's. It was a watershed event in modern religious life. I applaud Rev Pat's courage in speaking out about this new view. His disclosure triggered my own revelation.
I have been reliably informed by the Archangel Michael that suicide can be forgiven in advance under certain conditions. The Archangel appeared to me two nights ago and I have prayed ever since for a sign that it was really Michael and not the Arch-fiend.
My prayers were answered. A dollar sigh appeared to me while I slept last night and I knew Michael sent it to me. When I awoke I started a crusade to take away the stigma of suicide.
If someone has the need to kill themselves, I implore them to make an appointment with me or one of my franchised Certified Suicide Forgivers (™) who will soon spread into every state.
My Forgivers, acting as facilitators, will probe the need for the suicide to ensure only serious reasons are present and that the individual truly wants pre-forgiveness. After those conditions are met, the potential suiciders are asked to sign a document assigning his/her entire estate to the MJHT&DC (tm) Once a notary public has notarized the document, the person is authorized to commit suicide without prejudicing his soul. Further, if the suicider brings a weapon with him/her, the Forgiver will bless it at no extra charge, thus making it a holy weapon.
For civil law reasons the suicidal person is urged to kill him/herself with twelve hours so the authorities can't interfere as the Forgivers are required to inform them within a day of the meeting.
I rejoice that so many misguided souls can now be saved from the anguish of eternal hellfire through the simple act of asking forgiveness prior to the fatal deed.
Matthew Mark Lukejohn: If the suicide attempt fails is the signed and notarized document still valid or has it expired.
Rev. Antonio: This press conference is over.
Causes Hank Quense Supports
Two years ago, to show support for our armed services and to provide a measure of entertainment, Hank put together a collection of ten humorous...