Editor's Note: Faux News Network is proud to introduce a new series called On The Galactic Road. This will be a series of travel articles to far-away places you may never have thought to visit. Our Travel Reporter Gina Vagabond will be your host for the series.
Hello, Gina here, and I have a treat for those adventurers who are looking for an unusual place to vacation. We're going to Moon Base 3 in the Ceti Taub System. Ceti Taub is approximately half-way between Gundarland and the Zaftan System, so you'll be meeting zaftans, dwarfs, elves and yuks. Especially yuks if you want to sample yukeste, the national drink of the yuks.
Let's get started. First, some background. Ceti Taub has three moons, but the planet and two moons are barren. Moon 3 has underground water so that's where the Gundarlandians built a space dome and designed a city under the dome. The original colony was designed with four quarters, one each for dwarfs, elves, humans and half-pints. Alas, the early colonists ignored the districting and plop themselves down where ever they felt like it. Large numbers of illegal yuks moved into the base adding some racial tensions, since yuks hate all other races. This integration gives Moon Base 3 a unusual feel, like a race riot looking for a spark.
During the initial immigration wave, a half-pint farmer discovered the soil grew a potent form of pipeweed and, by the start of the second growing season, all the farm land was converted to pipeweed to the exclusion of food which then had to be imported at extravagant prices.
There is only a single city on Moon 3, as you might expect. To get from your cruise liner you have to take a shuttle. Once on the surface, the shuttle changes to a hovercraft that can maneuver through the air locks. Past the locks, you'll travel along the base's wide main street to the hotel district. The trip will give you an opportunity to watch the colorful inhabitants go about their business.
You'll notice that everyone openly carries the weapon of choice used by their race. Elves carry longbows and a quiver of arrows. Dwarfs heft nasty-looking battle axes. Half-pints use a long dagger strapped to one leg. Humans have a scabbard and sword on their hip. Yuks usually carry a large rock. All of them will also carry laser pistols or rifles. This doesn't mean the natives are unfriendly. It's just that they don't feel safe from the other citizens unless they are armed. One of the reasons for all the weapons is that Moon Base 3 doesn't have a police force and the locals maintain law and order.
In addition to the natives, the main street (called Main Street, oddly enough) is also the primary shopping district. Here, you'll find a multitude of merchandise: weaponry, drugs both legal and illegal, torture instruments, employment offices offering hired hands for any type of unsavory job. Taverns, brothels, drug dens also via for the tourists attention.
When you reach your hotel and check in, a weapons instructor will give you lessons on the weapon of your choice. That weapon can then be rented for a nominal fee. If you choose not to rent a weapon, the hotel will lend you a realistic-looking fake weapon.
To ensure in safety while shopping, it is recommended that you join one of the armed tour groups to explore the city. These tour groups travel around in armored vehicles and are accompanied by a cadre of heavily-armed guards.
While shopping for bargains (accompanied by an armed escort) keep in mind that almost all prices are negotiable. The listed price is pegged for the un-savvy tourist and averages about 1000 percent over the usual price. This doesn't imply the merchants are thieves. They will usually accept a lower price.
Many fine restaurants exist in Moon Base 3. A number of them will accept tourists provided they leave a valid credit card with the Maitre De before they are seated. This practice is to ensure that your bill is paid in case you insult another customer and you are murdered as a result.
Most of the restaurants sell yukeste even though it is illegal in every civilized galaxy in the universe. While the drink is nominally price, reserving a portable defilbulator isn’t. The defibs are highly recommended since once the yukeste is absorbed into the system, it often shocks the heart into hibernation. Once the hibernation starts is not the time to quibble about renting a defib.
Well, I’ve covered the highlights of a Moon Base 3 visit. It really is an adventure and not recommended for families with small children since running away from violence is an essential part of experience.
I’ll be back soon with another exciting place to visit. Until then, this is Gina Vagabond. Keep your bags packed and don't forget the towel.
Travel Reporter (including time travel) Gina Vagabond is a stay-at-home mom who travels the galaxy using the quantum computer in her bedroom.
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