Faux News Network proudly presents its internationally renowned Cultural Reporter, Marcia Hammerhead, with another exclusive interview. Today, Marcia will talk with Falstaff, Shakespeare's most popular character and the star of the new hit novel, Falstaff's Big Gamble
Marcia Hammerhead: I think I'm cursed. Not matter how hard or how often I protest about interviewing anyone associated with genre fiction, especially Hank Quense, I still get stuck with the assignment. My boss apparently thinks it's funny that Quense hijacked a bunch of Shakespeare's characters and probably destroyed Shakespeare's reputation with his insipid writing and I now have to interview one of the characters. I suppose I should get this interview over with. Mr. Falstaff, please introduce yourself.
Falstaff: I am Sir John Falstaff, delightful rogue and charming personality. It is a pleasure to meet you at last Ms. Hammerhead. You are even more beautiful than expected.
MH: Cut the crap, Falstaff. You're not to going to charm your way out getting tough questions from me. How does
it feel to be the villain in this new book, even if your name is in the title?
F: Villain? How dare you! I am the betrayed party here. Othello and Hamlet treated me despicably, and you call me the villain?
MH: You are the villain, Falstaff. I have it straight from the author. How can you possibly twist everything around so that you think you were betrayed? The author told me you are a serial thief and compulsive betrayer.
F: Obvioulsy, the author was doing drugs or something when you asked him that question. I assure you Hamlet and Othello took advantage of my good nature, of my sensitivity, with their aggressive and perverted actions.
MH: Let's move on. How did it feel to get another role after such a long retirement?
F: It felt wonderful. I often urged Shakespeare to make me the main character in a play, but no, all he ever gave me was secondary roles. Now, finally, I'm a star. Despite Quense's lack of talent, I have to be grateful to him for giving me the main role in this novel. And for not making me spout all that dreadful poetry that Shakespeare used.
MH: You aren't the main character. Othello and Hamlet are the main characters.
F: What! I will not stay here and be insulted by you. Goodbye, woman.
MH: Cursed. I'm cursed. I really need a new job. I have to update my resumé and I have to do it quickly or —
Faux News Network interrupts this interview and apoligizes for the unseemly tone. We will take steps to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Meanwhile, here's the trailer for Falstaff's Big Gamble.
Causes Hank Quense Supports
Two years ago, to show support for our armed services and to provide a measure of entertainment, Hank put together a collection of ten humorous...