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2008 Summer Olympiad - Report from Beijing

Today, my research associate Mort Subiet - currently residing in Beijing, sent me a rather disturbing list of competitive events to be held at the upcoming Summer Olympics. Please take a moment to review his findings, reportedly distributed by the People's Republic Olyimpiad Committee.

 

Simplified
零零八年北京夏季奥运会
Traditional
零零八年北京夏季奧運會

Hot Selling Olympic Summer Games:
August 8, 2008 to August 24, 2008

2008 OLYMPIAD A LA CARTE

Day 1: OPENING CEREMONIES:

Tiananmen Square Chase
Tibetan Flag Burning
Razor Wire Fencing
The Human Rights Fireworks

Day 2 - 3

Falun Gong Trials
Flaming Dissident Toss
Taiwanese Skull Crunch
The Cell Block & Tackle

Day 4 - 5

Rhythmic Fingernail Pulling
The Hop-Skip and Hobble
Dead Heat Lying
International Gasp Masking

Day 6 - 7

Iron Chop Stick Relay
The 50 Yard Spit
Tortured Endurance Runs
Cigarette Butt Burnings

Day 8 - 9

General Tso's White Eyeball Pong
The Second Child Vault
Hand, Heel, and Head Whacking
Stuff-in-Mouth Marathon

Day 10 - 12

Randomgene Pool Complex Events

254 Nation Best Time Cesspool Endurance
Round Robin Swimage & Rescue Executions
The Synchronized Inflatable Quickie
Sizzling MaoPolo & Fleshwater Slalom

Day 13 - 15

Chairman Hu Jintao's Trifecta:

The Unexpected Slice and Dice
(*flagellants: 4 Gangs of 4)

Tag-Team Water-boarding
(*demo: USA)

The Heat Seeking Missile Hunt
(*sponsor: The Iranian Public Works Dept.)

DAY 16 - CLOSING CEREMONY

Noodle Festival of Champions

Croatail Bosnicue & Potlick
(*host: The Serbian Blood Bank lzt.)

***************

COMPLEX SERVICES AVAILABLE BY REQUEST

Hostile ROOM Reservations~

Foreign-devil DISCOUNTS on Middle-way attractions~

RIDE The Great Ferret Wheel~

VISIT The Endangered Species Pelting Zoo~

SPECIAL Teams: "to help identify 'antagonistic' attitude in regards to China."~

Rendition FLIGHTS available to a wide range of Unknown Locations~
*featuring complimentary teal duck tape & towel kits.

Final UpDate(s): Mort Subiet

The new toilet facilities at the Randomgene Pool can no longer be used. Concerns
have been raised by Communist party officials that hygiene issues would affect the
Beijing Olympic image. There is a penalty of 100 to 500 yuan to be imposed on
anyone caught using the bathrooms. The reactions of party members to this modality
ranged from admiration and enthusiasm to total condemnation.

Another issue is that tap water in the city be avoided under penalty of law.

 

* Mort Subiet can be reached at:

http://www.emptymirrorbooks.com/thirdpage/mortbio.html

Keywords:
Comments
3 Comment count
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Politics

And our State Department recently took China off it's "Worst Offenders" list.

Belle

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Watching

the developments in China, the turmoil in Tibet, hearing about trouble in Szechuan and Gansu, I am wondering if this is the beginning of the end to the current regime.

What if nations begin to boycott the Olympics?

The regime should have accepted Dalai Lama's terms of Tibet as an Autonomous region. Too little too late from the so-called Communist government.

I think it's going to be a very bloody spring.

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On the bright side, for

On the bright side, for after-hours socializing, don't miss Chairman Mao's Speed Dating.