where the writers are
Pat Guppy Assaulted by Giant Suppository

The Tata Gallery has hit the news headlines in Sea View again this week, following a decision by its owner, Ivor Goodeye, to add a portrait of Mrs Patricia Enid Guppy to it's current show. Mr Goodeye came under fire last week following his insistence that he would not remove a portrait of Mrs Guppy's late husband, Benjamin, by well-known local artist Andy Woolhol, who is also responsible for the new portrait,  from the show.

'The current work, which is a rather vibrant and expressive watercolour, was commissioned as a companion piece,' Mr Goodeye said, 'as the one of Benjamin has received so much attention.'

The portrait of Mrs Guppy has her set against a purple background, wearing a pair of green gloves and gesturing in a rather rude manner.

'I had a turn,' Mrs Guppy said, 'when I saw a photo of the hideous thing in The Sea View Mercurial. I hoped the painting would look better in the flesh, but when I arrived at the gallery I found it was even more horrible.'

Paramedics had to be called when Mrs Guppy collapsed in front of the portrait, tearing her skirt on a nearby bronze sculpture of a man-sized suppository and landing with her undergarments on full view.

'I shall, of course, be contacting my solicitor to discuss legal action. That obscene sculpture, for want of a better word, assaulted me. A perfectly good skirt was ruined, and I fell onto a bag of shopping and crushed my buns.'

When asked about his motivation in depicting Mrs Guppy in a less than positive light, the artist said that he had aimed to reveal the private woman rather than the one usually presented to the public.

'There have been a number of allegations made against Pat Guppy recently,' Woolhol explained, 'and I started wondering how a woman who's accused of being involved in some pretty shady dealings can present such a respectable and charitable front to the public. The answer? She's got a portrait of herself in the attic. Every time she's nice to someone in public, the attic portrait becomes more and more offensive.'

Mrs Guppy is expected to raise a petition during the coming week. 

Comments
2 Comment count
Comment Bubble Tip

Suppositories often get a

Suppositories often get a bum wrap.

Comment Bubble Tip

I thought a bum wrap was one

I thought a bum wrap was one of those things you wear to lose weight at a health farm. It's like a pair of bloomers made from food wrap. I could be wrong... it did happen once, in 1989.