where the writers are
Trying to write

So you all probably struggle with this everyday. I have handily avoided it for years. I am inspired, up in the middle of the night or early morning. I write and write. The words flow - I am a genius. And then, and then, I never revisit it again. I have years, decades of beginnings of, middles of, outlines for, sketches for plays, stories, scripts, graphic novels. The only stories/scripts I finished were college assignments and that was so long ago.

 Oh, now, I'm lying. I just finished 26 scripts for a visitor center in IL. The final products are on display. A few months before i wrote about the how mountains in the midwest were formed, the immense power of a trickle of water, and the stories of people who settled the forbidding Ozarks in the 1800's. These scripts are all finished, produced and on display. But these are not my stories. I never give time to my own stories.

 Now I have the time - gig is over, nothing in the offing. I do need to update my seriously out-of-date website and cast the job net far and  wide to find some paying work. But I have my nights free when my honey husband works and the parrot is asleep and I don't. I watch Bones or some ridiculous program with maimed and murdered young women. I write analyses in my head, a veritable treatises on what this says about our culture. I have consumed every cooking show on every PBS station in the tri-state area (thank god I have no cable). 

 What makes work valuable and why does my own work have none for me? How do I assign worth to my writing or art? Should I pay myself a wage - so many $$ per word; well with my budget, maybe ¢¢ per word. Should I meditate, live my life as an artist and I will be one; send the intention out there and it will come to me? Should I just schedule the time and no matter if I just sit and stare at the page or computer, that time is only for that action?

Well, now that i wrote this - and that was the idea - I feel pubic. I am compelled to write if only not to feel embarrassed by not writing. No one even needs to call me on it my shame training is so ingrained; but as long as it is, let me make it productive for once.  I must turn my attention to my short story and help my character find her way home.