Barbara Murray said, “We thought the necessary grandparent wisdom would arrive automatically with our first grandchild. It hasn’t. Questions, yes. Excitement, yes. Wisdom, not so much.”

My wife, Brown Eyes, and I were at a Palm Heights neighborhood (elevation 14’) dinner party hosted by Judy and Rick Mullins.

“What kind of wisdom did you expect?” asked our host.

“How to do long distance grandparenting well!” answered Neal Murray. “Our daughter said they need to adjust to being parents before we come for a visit. We expected to swoop in like our own grandparents did.”

“I remember our first grandchild,” said Judy Mullins. We dealt with long distances, availability, and making the most of every opportunity. We sat down and figured out what kind of grandparents we wanted to be AND what would work for our son and daughter-in-law. Has that ever helped! Our oldest is 14. Our youngest is six months. Our first distant grandchild was like riding a new bike with training wheels.”

“So how did you make it work?” asked Neal Murray.

Rick Mullins replied, “First you need to define for yourselves:

1. How you are going to deal with the distance; and
2. The kind of impact you and their parents would like to have you have on your grandkids.

“You’ll have to deal with these questions when they are babies, again during their childhood, yet again when they are teenagers and young adults. Because our grandchildren live so far away we decided to start early. We understood it’s the quality of the time and opportunity more than the amount of it that would build close relationships with the grandkids and become our legacy.

“Our toughest choices were about the impact we’d like to have on our grandchildren’s futures. All of the research says multigenerational exposure is good for kids. Heck, it’s great for us, too. Equally important, however, was admitting our grandkids will live in a very different world from our own. Enduring jobs and career paths won’t exist the way we knew them.

“Our norms may look quaint to them, like buggy whips. The shelf life of knowledge will shorten. Increased interdependence. Mountains of instant information. Discernment continually required. Greater economic polarization. Any old education won’t be enough.

“They’ll need the right learning experiences which deliver needed abilities. Global and local awareness. They will make choices we never considered. So Judy and I made the long term commitment to help our grandkids by focusing on their development of six key abilities. Our son and daughter-in-law are totally on board with our intentions. This has eliminated lots of potential confusion.

“The 6 abilities are:
1. Confidence
2. Competence
3. Adaptability
4. Life Direction
5. Self and other awareness
6. Inquisitiveness

“Wow,” said Barbara Murray. “You’re making it all much bigger than I imagined. I just want to love my grandkids and have them love me. I want to buy them teddy bears and cheer at their soccer games. We haven’t thought at all about any impact on their futures.”

Rick and Judy said in harmony, “Loving them is a huge component. We’re not saying our way is right for everyone. We simply decided that we would commit to the increased likelihood that our grandkids will live wonderful lives in a world we can’t imagine and won’t live in.

"Our legacy is much less tangible than we had originally expected. We’re constantly on the lookout for “ability-generating” experiences they can have through us they wouldn’t otherwise have. As a result we’re really close to them. You’ll find your own way. We’re only encouraging you to evaluate and act like the kinds of grandparents that you’ll be proud to have been when you look back over your shoulder years from now. For us it hasn’t happened automatically. But it has been satisfying, long distances and all!”