Grandparenting Today
-as published in Living Family Style http://www.livingouteast.com
He was a small man, bald early in life. I remember him wearing suits and ties and striped silk boxer shorts and tank-top undershirts and garters at his calves to hold up his socks. The pockets of his maroon silk bathrobe always held sticks of gum for young grandsons, but only when he was wearing it. His name was Harold and he was 54 years old. Two new 1950 Oldsmobile 98s sat in the garage, a light gray two-door with a dark gray top for him and a light green sedan for my grandmother. These were symbols of achievement and status, as well as representing hope and prosperity, so soon after World War II.
My mother, the older of his two daughters, had in many ways been the son he hadn’t had. She flew with him in early biplanes, went with him on the train from Seattle to the Chicago World’s Fair, and sought to defend him even on the days he was at his least admirable. Harold’s daughters seemed settled and eventually presented him with three grandsons. He was secure in his era-shared understandings of roles, manhood, parenthood, and grandparent-hood. At 54 his future stretched out in front of him like a highway. Like his peers, he believed in arriving at adulthood and in the permanence of experience. Two years later he was dead from a massive heart attack on Mothers’ Day.
I’m now 64, 10 years older than Harold was when he died. Having lived through decades of history my grandfather couldn’t have imagined, I understand how important adaptability and resilience will be for the quality of my life ahead.
Which brings me to my children and grandchildren. Having raised sons, my four granddaughters and one grandson offer me both joy and a steep learning curve. Both my sons’ lives and work are in cultures very foreign to my own. One lives and works in SE Asia. One is a Police Sergeant in the U.S. I have chosen to err on the side of giving them space, stopping myself from offering opinions, or extending roles that meet my short-term need but accidentally deny them the learning opportunities they need and deserve.
In this complex world in which generations will have to mentor each other to leverage the knowledge and experience of all, how in all the busyness can we create the kinds of conversations that will really work between aging parents and adult children? What does great parenting and grand-parenting need to look like at our ages and stages?
The answer is beginning to look more like asking great questions than having the answers. The answer increasingly resembles patience and resilience. The answer is beginning to sound more like creating opportunities but not relying too much on them for my sense of self. Years after my grandfather died, and I was already married, I invited my mother for a game of pool in the recreation room of our apartment building. She was petrified lest her long-deceased father find out. “Nice girls don’t play pool,” she had learned from him. I remember loving those Oldsmobiles with the devotion of a boy growing up in the 1950s.
I can admire my grandfather and remember him fondly, but I can’t be him. Gum is now taboo. Most of us are terribly busy. We don’t necessarily live near our children or near theirs. Those of us over 60 are going to have to pioneer a current, appropriate way of parenting and grand-parenting.
We’re going to need some help from our children.
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George H. Schofield, PhD has over 40 years of knowledge and experience in lifelong development, successful aging, and extended employment—and how these intersect and affect individuals, employees, and businesses. He is an expert, innovator, and thought...
T'is a puzzlement.
Excellent post. I too have four grandchildren, and my son is 4 months younger than my number 2 grandson. Consequently they are more like brothers than nephew and uncle.
I have become the "friend" grandparent. I have rescued them off the freeway at 3 in the morning when the car broke down. I have taken "muscle" pics of my boys with them holding their grandpa's guns (he was a cop at this time). Grandpa taught all the boys (and the (girl)gun safety and how to shoot. They (2 grandsons, one friend, and my son) came over and wanted to shave their heads. All are over 18, so I loaned them the razor, and then we took the "mean" photos downstairs in the basement.I had them lift a few weights to pump up the muscles for their "shots".
I guess what I'm saying is I am accepting of the 21st century trends. However I find that because they know I truly love them - inspite of everything, they call me for advice. They come to talk to us and tell us what they won't tell their parents (My daughter.)
Number 2 grandson is going on his 5th year in the Marine Corps. Just became sergeant. Grand daughter would rather be with me than the other grandma.I gave her piano lessons.
Number 1 grandson is artsy - and a vegetarian. I taught him to play piano. We still exchange music. We have been exchanging recipes as well. He is now talking about going back to school. I wonder if it's because grandpa finished his doctorate three years ago.
Number 3 grandson, is a bit reckless, but will most likely wind up back in the service. He had to leave the Corps for physical reasons. I have pics of him on the ground under the car with grandpa - grandpa is an excellent mechanic...and now so is grandson number 3.
I guess I said all that to say - "Love never fails." We make ourselves available to let them dump anything on us. We don't judge, we don't criticize. But often, I will hear grandpa say, "I know how you feel, I've felt that way before, but I have found..." and then will offer the wisdom of the age. I am so happy to hear you talk about grandparenting. I believe it is the grandest kind of parenting. And it sounds like you already have a good handle on it.
The Grand Parenting Puzzle
Thank you for your very thoughtful blog. I think my parents and their parents had fairly impermeable boundaries: I am the Parent; You are the Grand Parent; They are the kids. As useful knowledge and wisdom from experience has become less and less linear and cumulative and more and more likely to have a limited shelf life, I find myself needing to learn from my children and grand children in ways my own parents and grand parents would probably not have imagined. The right participants in the right conversations at the right time becomes increasingly important as well as being nearly an art form. I love being a grand parent. I don't want be called Grandpa because for most people the word still presupposes a lot of things about me, my age, my role, my mindset, and my world view that simply are not true. I think our language is lagging our Grand Parenting realities.
Gratitude
Thank you for the sweet response. I agree with you our language is lagging our realities. I also don't like to be called Grandma. I don't look old, I don't feel old, and I certainly don't think old. But age and sage is there for my grandkids when they need it - and especially when they want it. Blessings to you!
More Gratitude
Blessings to you as well, Sharon. May language catch up to our outlook. All the best.
Isn't it grand? - The Happy Ending
Dear Dr. George,
You have provided great insight to this wonderful Grandparenting experience. Also, I loved the comments of Sharon.
We grew up in a "Twilight Zone" atmosphere. As we aged we became fearful that eventually we might be put on ice and brought out just for the holidays. However, many of us now know the joy of advanced technology which contributes to our relationships. (both personal and business)The "shawl and the rocking chair" syndrome is a thing of the past unless the picture includes a laptop or notebook. (Although I do have orthotic slip on shoes which makes my 5 year old Grandson proud. I have velcro fasteners just like his sneakers.)
As a new generation of Grandparents and Grandchildren we will learn that the new conversation is aligned with personal blogs and pictures and a new understanding of life as it should be(with the many options that life has to offer.)I marvel at the fact that my Grandchildren can sing vigorously with praise in the church choir and then pass a poster of Lady GaGa in the mall and comment, "isn't she beautiful Mom Mom?" I love the innocence and non-judgemental vision.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on Grandparenting. I look forward to reading your future observations. Also, I am going to pay attention to Sharon Walling's blogs. Both of you are very talented writers who inspire.
Mary Walsh
Add: I often thought when I first became a Grandmother that our generation needed a guide book >>> maybe a GRANDPARENTING FOR DUMMIES >>> Maybe you are the guide!
Generations Must Communicate More
Mary, I welcome your input into this conversation. Many people assume that “advanced technology” is only for the younger generation and that it drives people away from, rather than closer to, each other.
I’m glad to see you connecting with your Grandchildren, and glad that you can all can engage in a space that is second nature to them and comfortable for you as well.
Blogs and pictures help to tell stories and stories are how we craft and re-craft our identities. By sharing your words and images, you plant seeds of imagination and offer your Grandchildren a dynamic, additional way to be with you.
It is my hope that the non-judgmental vision that you describe won’t just be for children anymore. May we all be open to learning from each other.
Given the pace of change, what we think we know has a shorter shelf life than it used to. Therefore, age and experience aren’t the only indicators of current wisdom. Generations must communicate more, not less, effectively to be comprehensive in their understanding.
Again, thank you for your thoughts and heartfelt input.