Third Poetry Announcement
Dear Community,
After a certain pause, I am ready to present my third piece of poetry. Because it is short poetry, to enrich its perceiving and for better understanding, here I submit few introduction words:
The poem has been written for a flash poetry contest with an obligatory rule to consist of five lines but the power of the poem is elsewhere - in its metaphors and the complex outlay of the scenes.
It sees the nature of life through the parallels of sun - moon cycle and love.
Simply explained, it embodies two pictures acting in complete parallel with one another and visualizing, throughout their symbolic illustrations, the poem's main idea - "Eternal cycle" - the nature of being. Both are taken from the same source - life itself - the first one being the "sun - moon" or the "day - night" cycle and the second - the carussel of love.
There is also an unique moment with the metaphoric expressions of the sun based on my native (Bulgarian) mythological traditions.
In short the poem tells the story of two lovers who have been together. The first one gives love while the second estranges. And leaves away to be free from the other. After the parting, the tragedy follows. After the tragedy, nothing is left...
For those interested in reading, this is the direct link to my poem, and you can follow it through my member's page as well.
Your comments, opinion and feedback are mostly welcomed as ever. Be frank and you are appreciated. Thank you.
Keywords:
About Gallia
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She is like the wind. She never stops to wander, comes and disappear and then will always return. She...
Connections
Hi Gallia, I also enjoy
Hi Gallia,
I also enjoy writing poetry and I am only a novice, still learning, so my comments are just a friendly reaction.
I read over your poem many times, so I could get the feel, and see the imagery. Overall, I feel a passion in this poem and a beauty, but I'm not sure if I'm getting enough imagery.
There are different parts of myself reacting. One part has my past poetry teacher on my shoulder saying to watch out for words that are cliché or overused or that are too abstract. But the other part of me is reacting to the beauty of the first (even thought cradle and kissing the sun could be thought to be overused) and last lines.
Also, when I read the word cradle, I think of babies and birth, rather than lovers.
From western skies a sudden fire. – I’m not sure what the lover means with this line. Also, My soul was frost to bleed. I’m having trouble visualizing or understanding “frost to bleed” as it is written.
And love was gone desire… -- gone desire?? Confusing to me.
I like Mary’s suggestion on your last line – that would really tighten it up. I would try not to end a poem with “it”. You might want to insert what “it” is. Do you mean grave less or graveness??
I love the last line with the modification of “It.” It is surprising: Moonlight stars are blooming”—now that is a good visual and I can see the stars blossoming. Very nice.
Good luck to you!
Re: Eternal Cycle
Hi Rebbecca,
Thanks for the interest, opinion and friendly reaction. Welcomed and appreciated.
Alright, seems I should try to translate my poem into a more detailed narrative analysis.
The "cradle":
To be able to understand poetry that comes from a different part of the world, it is useful to first refer to its foundations. So, I guess I have to tell some more words to help my readers' knowledge. In Bulgarian mythological and folklore traditions we do not look at the "cradle" in its literal image only, the one connected with babies. Our perception of the "cradle" is quite more complex and metaphorical. In short, the "cradle" is the symbolic place where Sun and Earth meet; Sun being the male beginning and Earth - the female one. When they meet, new life is born. It happens spring each year. The symbol of Earth is represented by young women, and to meet Earth, Sun drops down a cradle and chooses one of them to be his new wife. So, the "cradle" is the nest of fertility, the one rather sheltering love, the relations themselves, than the fruits of these relations, the new born life, the babies...
"From western skies a sudden fire.":
Two pictures act in parallel here (as it is elsewhere in the poem, from its same start to the same final). The first one, the "day - night" cycle, describes the setting of the sun; two definite moments appointing the process, "western", quite literal and "fire", which is a metaphor of the sunset. The second picture, the "carousel of love", is more hidden and describes the moment of meeting a new one, when current love begins to wane. The "sudden fire" is a metaphor of that new passion coming from a different direction than your home, nest, cradle.
"My soul was frost to bleed":
Again, a metaphor. When I love somebody and I discover my love has found another, the shock is so unbearable that, instead of "bleeding", "aching" by the pain, I am made frozen; my heart turned into a stone. Unfamiliar emotion?! Is it. Also, imagine the sunset itself and its colours - it is a fire, and it is a bleeding, two different expressions in the same scene of action. So, to recreate what imagination sees, the new lovers enjoy the first emotion, the fire, the passion and, at the same time, I should experience the second, the bleeding, the pain, was my heart not frozen by the tragedy I was stricken inside.
"love was gone desire":
You haven't appointed what confuses you exactly here but I do perceive this phrase maybe the simplest of all. Again, the two pictures but here the "day - night" cycle is the one hidden behind the metaphor of the other. Love, my love is gone, there is no desire between us anymore; and as love goes in parallel with sun during the entire poem, here too, it visualizes the second scene, that of sun setting down, the passion of the sunset, the fire of colours waning and being replaced by the night, dark and empty.
Hope it helps for better understanding.
Honestly, it has not been once that I have seen readers facing difficulties in their try to experience the poem. Left aside my initial conviction and its technical imperfection, this can come to be a rather objective proof of quality, if, of course, it is not totally on the contrary... :]:]
Good luck you too with your poetry!!
Hi Gallia, I really
Hi Gallia,
I really appreciate your taking the time to help me understand your poem and providing the background. What you describe and how you describe it is in itself beautiful. It’s not so much that I did not understand what the poem was trying to say, but rather the way some of the words were put together made it hard for me to see it. For example, I understand “My soul was frost to bleed.” It’s the words frost to bleed that make me stop. It’s the same with “love was gone desire.” But, the way you describe this in your explanation: “The fire of colors waning.” I love this because the words fire and waning together give me an immediate image and these words also show the “day – night” cycle.
You have lovely poem here. And you have really taught me a lot—I appreciate it!
Best to you.
Re: Eternal Cycle
I really thought this additional time necessary for easing my readers, but you have reassured me one thing that I had already been aware. The problem with my poetry is still its technical imperfection. If lessons in writing cannot give you the talent, sensibility and life experience, they could still help you with technique. Truth is, I've never attended such; I am my own teacher. As I told Mary, I am open and appreciative to any native English speaker's advice or suggestion on how to achieve more fluent and comprehensible sounding. Collaboration of that kind when we teach and learn from each other is just precious and helps all of us involved. So, I thank you too, Rebbecca!!