where the writers are
Don’t fall in love with a narcissist

You're probably working on your bucket list, whether you've actually written down the things you want to do before you die, or whether they're just ideas rattling around in the back of your mind.

There's another kind of bucket list, which is a list of things not to do before you die.

For example a friend of mine who grew up with a pretty rough background once told me that he'd decided long ago that he was never going to go to jail, where many of his old pals did end up.

Here's another one: Don't fall in love with a narcissist. Really. Anyone with common sense is going to avoid the person who constantly talks about themselves, is fascinated with their own problems, doesn't understand why the world seems indifferent to them, and will take your kindness, even your love, for granted. Because being in love will rob you of your senses and your protective insights. Let's face it -- love has robbed us all of common sense at one point or another.

Sometimes that is good; in this case, it is very bad.

Oh, your awareness of those little narcissistic traits might be there, playing like soft music in the back of your head, but it's music you decide you can tune out, the way you tune out the kind of crap you have to listen to on the phone after being placed on hold. Maybe those traits even seem charming at first. ("He/she really knows that he/wants! He/she really looks out for him/herself!") You know those faults are there, but until they start to bite, they don’t even look like faults. Love conquers all.

Really, do not fall in love with a narcissist. That person can never be satisfied, and will rarely be made happy by anything anyone else does. The narcissist will always believe he or she deserves more that is presented, and will be convinced that nothing is ever quite good enough. For this person, the adulation of the entire world would only be a good start.

The narcissist will dish out enough affection to keep the attention coming, but no more than is necessary. Your heart will be like a yo-yo on the end of their string, yanked close, and then spun off into oblivion, over and over. Without your consent.

Yes, it's a mistake I've made more than once in my life. The thing is, I always want to buy into the narcissist's beliefs about her own importance. I've want to be with a truly important person. A wise person, one who recognizes her own value. More than anything, a person wise enough not to be very interested in me.

Fortunately, these were mistakes I made years ago.

Really, do not fall in love with a narcissist. What looks like depth and passion at first later reveals itself as a fear and the inability to empathize very much. What comes up is the shallowness that's the inevitable result of focusing on one's favorite subject. The suffering that's inevitable in a small life built around that fascination with self.

And the incessant echoes of the original hurt that made them that way.

Put that on your bucket list. Don’t fall in love with a narcissist. Because it hurts.

3 Comment count
Comment Bubble Tip

RE: don't fall in love with a narcissist

Already given Narcissus a wide berth. I've also taken note of the coutry hit by Kenny Rogers and Kim Carnes, "Don't Fall In Love With A Dreamer".

P.S. I made a dig at Narcissus through my short story "The Master and Novices".


Comment Bubble Tip

Well said!  I made that

Well said!  I made that mistake once, and it isn't worth it.  Besides that, when he/she realizes the person is gone (is wounded by the loss), then he/she is going to forever make life as miserable for the leaver as possible.

Comment Bubble Tip

I agree with Nan. The misery

I agree with Nan. The misery is hell. I know all about it and your piece spoke volumes about these people who are quite cunning in their relationships. I've known a few and to say that they treat you like a yo yo is exactly right. I have had to cut the string on one particular person and you know what, they never even noticed as obllivion seems to be another trait. What is baffling is that there are so many people who fall for the trap and never even want to get out! They adore the narcissist as much as the narcissist adores him/herself.