Enlightened Sage Osama Bin Laden
(Or present occupant)
Cave 27
Southern Pakistan
                                        June 16, 2009
Dear and Almighty Leader, Osama Bin Laden:
    I am writing to you to apologize for my cowardice.  You will no doubt remember me as the only one of your Spring Class of ’07 to have in the end refused your generous offer of 72 virgins, 6 goats and a man servant, (just in case), to enjoy for all eternity in paradise, in exchange for the mere and selfless act of blowing myself up and taking as many innocent. . .  I mean infidels, with me.
    You will recall to your horror that I instead escaped into the night, in spite of all your well-meaning efforts to have your hench... friends find me so that you could personally show me the error of my ways.  However, I am happy to report that all was not lost.  (Except perhaps the hatred that you’ve worked so tirelessly to engender in the hearts of all your followers.)  You see, I was most fortunate to end up in the presence of another teacher who is nearly as enlightened as yourself.  I hope you won’t be too angry when I tell you that this teacher is of the female persuasion.  Indeed, she had the temerity not only to go to school but to educate herself beyond all rights and posibilities, had she been in your world, or at least, the world as you hope to establish it.  But I digress.
    Convinced that I was truly eager to reconnect with the path to Paradise, she took away the firecrackers I had bought at the bazaar and scotch-taped to my vest, and proceeded to make me aware of the simple truths that were once so well-known but have long been hidden by the tumult and the chaos of the present day and all our self-proclaimed sages.
    To my surprise and great joy, she began by making me read the Koran several times.  Afterwards, she asked me to show her where in those holy pages were 72 or any other number of virgins promised to anyone in exchange for anything.  
    I began to sweat.  “There must be some pages missing!” I exclaimed.  
    She calmly proved to me that there were not.  As an aside, she also asked me what possible horrors could 72 virgins commit that they would have to spend eternity with you?  But that’s another story, better left for another day.
    We spent a lot of time examining just what the Koran did say, as opposed to what others say it says.  That was followed by careful examination of the holy books from all the other major religions on earth and you will undoubtedly be amazed when you hear how all of those have also been misrepresented by false prophets.  
    However, all of that will have to wait for my next missives because I have to go pick up my heavenly new baby from the day care center while my lovely wife returns from her job so we can collaborate on the preparation of dinner, which we are today sharing with some people less fortunate than ourselves.
    Did I mention that I am now living in a little town named Paradise?  Irony of ironies.  Well, Binny, I will continue my progress report to you soon.  Until then, keep your head down.
           Omar the awakened.