My New Philosophy is Called Neo-Classical Existential Realism

            I have a new philosophy.  I made sure to give it a bunch of names so it sounds as serious and intellectual as I know it is. It’s simple to practice but not so simple that anyone can do it.  You have to realize that you are bigger than the world but that the world is also bigger than you.  And seriously, fuck Nietzche.  He was right on the money too many times.  Of course, so was Jesus.

            If you think, you are.  If you don’t think, you still are.  You can not ever cease until you’re dead.  When you’re dead, all bets are off.  Not really though.  You just rot in the ground. 

            So does it matter?  Folks of the religious ilk would say that it doesn’t.  They would say what good is life if there is no higher meaning.  Sartre would disagree.  He would say that life matters specifically because it doesn’t.  That meaning comes from who we are and what we derive. I think everyone is wrong.  That’s why I made my new philosophy.

            Again, it’s pretty simple.  I’m no philosophy major or big thinker, I’m just a regular guy from Northern California.  Well, not anymore.  Now I’m a world-class mind.  I am the L. Ron Hubbard of my apartment complex and soon the internet and then the world.  I am the Emmanuel Kant of the rich, white, liberal Californian upper-middle class.  Your theories and speculation fall on my deaf ears.  So do your evidence and reason and “facts”.

            I’m not going to tell what my philosophy entails.  I already told you the name.  That’s more than what you need to become a true believer.  I will not tell you of the aliens or that once you are in you are granted complete and eternal peace of mind.  I will not tell you of the amazing weight-loss properties of a single day’s meditation.  I will not tell you of our weekly pancake breakfasts.  You are free to come to our meetings.  If you can find them.

            I don’t like new people.  Or change.  If you can practice this at your house, I’ll be a lot more comfortable.  But seriously, everyone is welcome.