I'm a mess today. I'm sitting in front of my computer, knowing that I should be writing but procrastination has got the best of me. I fear that my ideas will be met with disdain or that you won't like what it is I have to write about. I have a lot of things on my chest that I want to let off. Sometimes, I feel like the whole world is against me but then, there are other times when I feel like I could conquer the world. But today, is one of those days where I'm kind of in a bitchy mood. Do I complain too much?
I fear the future. What will it hold for me? Sometimes, I think my biggest problem is that I'm too nice. I care about what other people think of me more than I care what I think of myself. Any psychologist in America would say that I have low self-esteem. I mean, I'm not a virgin, and I've been with more men than I care to admit. Even though, I'm a "recycled virgin," I wish I could take it all back. I may be in the minority here but sex isn't everything. As I sit here in front of my laptop, I'm being frank here.
I feel like writing poetry and short stories but I'm scared to write. I haven't written anything in quite some time. I haven't run out of things to write about but I would rather write about being used or ways that I have forgotten how to connect to the world. So, I watch television. Just finished watching The Social Network, don't know what the fuss is all about. I'd rather be drinking coffee at Starbucks, staring out the window, watching cars drive by or dreaming my life away. I have a tendency to escape a lot. Pretending that problems don't exist, not facing reality, etc. It's much easier to live in a fantasy world than the real world. If it weren't for my parents, I'd be homeless. I feel like such a loser, being 30 and living at home with them. I dream about becoming a librarian and also, I dream about the day I finally get married.
I know that it will sound corny me saying this but I want a guy with a sense of humor. I love to laugh but oftentimes, shyness holds me back. It's much easier for me to write what I am feeling than to try to say it. In fact, lately I have been at a loss for words in conversation, especially in mixed company. I have a speech problem! I dream of the day when I won't. . .