Heartbreak as a Medical Condition
I feel like breaking up with someone is like those commercials for Zantac or Tums. You want that 12 hour relief from heart break, you want to chew a tropical fruit-flavored tablet and have that pain in your chest disappear. You'll take anything that will soften that burning, that will let you compose yourself for a few minutes without being afraid to swallow.
Band-aids would be a good remedy too. I think putting a band-aid over your eye should stop those neurons from firing, those emotions pinging around your brain. Whatever hurts, an easy fix. You've got ointment and cotton to soothe the wound and the sticky beige plastic to keep anyone from aggravating it.
Chemo would work too, if you're the masochistic type. Severe nausea and exhaustion to completely eradicate any feelings of loss or pain. You can't worry about your relationship when you're doubled over in physical agony puking your poisoned blood into a bedpan. I wouldn't think this is the best way to go but I think I could see it being the most effective.
Perhaps a cast. But not around your chest, a cast around your head. Your senses would be stripped. No sight, no sound, no taste, no hearing. You'd be left alone with just your thoughts. This is the worst idea I could imagine and I feel stupid for starting this paragraph without thinking it through. Don't do this. Chemo would be better.
In a way I suppose heartbreak IS a medical condition. Physical pain, coupled with severe emotional distress would certainly get you seen in an emergency room. And when you ask your doctor what's ailing you and he responds by singing "Love, Love Love, Love" you can saunter to your car knowing that your affliction is 100% treatable.