I was about seven when I saw my first vampire movie. Boy that was scary! Vampires were biting people’s necks and drinking their blood and then the victims became vampires and the whole thing happened again, again and again. I remember thinking: if this happens too often, one day, the whole world will be full of vampires.
Well, my friends, my biggest fear has become true. The world is full of vampires! I go to the movies, they’re there. I turn on the TV, they’re there. I go to a book store, the bookshelves are full of them. Even in theatre! I tell you, the other day I went to see a Shakespeare classic and Hamlet’s question was no longer “to be or not to be”, it was “to bite or not to bite”. And, in the end, Laertes doesn’t kill him with a poisoned sword; he kills with a poisoned stake. In his heart!
Of course not everything is bad. Soap operas, for instance, are better now. I mean, for the last few decades, all of them were the same: a poor boy and a rich girl fall in love, but her parents already arranged her marriage with a rich boy. Now, they I have a completely different plot: a poor good young vampire and a rich good young female vampire fall in love, but her parents have already put the cape on and arranged her marriage with a rich bad young vampire. This original story takes place in California, where most vampires are beautiful, drive porches, and can catch all the sun they want.
In fact, that’s another great innovation. While Nosferatu and Dracula, for instance, were always worried about the sunrise, the new vampires worry about important stuff like bubbles, shopping, pickups and what to wear in the next Malibu party. That makes today stories much scarier than the old ones. They scare everybody! Kids are afraid that the bad vampires might win. Teenagers are afraid that Melissa might buy a dress that looks like Kate’s and there will be a big fight in the vampire high school. And we are afraid that Hollywood might never stop doing this stuff!
I tell you, if I was in the show business, I’d make a picture about a serial killer who murders the entire crew of a vampire movie. Everybody dies: the actors, the director, the producers, the technicians, even the guy who only makes coffee. Well, maybe the writer lives. Maybe the killer forgets him, like everybody else does. Well, maybe not the IRS, but, normally, people and institutions usually forget the writers - when they’re not on strike.
That’s it; I’ve got the whole story now: a writer sells a script about teenage vampires to a huge producer. Later, the writer finds out that a horror movie fan didn’t like the idea and wants to kill the entire film crew. The writer calls the studio, nobody answers the phone. He leaves a message: “Call me as soon as you can, it’s extremely important”. Since he’s the writer, nobody calls him back. He goes to the studio. The security guards don’t let him. He goes back home, watches the news and hears that the entire crew was killed. He panics and thinks about running away, but then he realizes the killer forgot him. In the next morning, he calls his agent and asks him to find another buyer for his script.
What do you think? Great idea, isn’t it? I’m telling you, tomorrow I’ll fly to Los Angeles, get a job as a waiter and when one of the big television or movie executives walks in the room I’ll get him a table, give him the specials - on the house - and tell him about this. I’ll be prepared. I’ll have the script in the kitchen, just in case he wants to read it. And I’ll also have a stake, just in case he tells me he’ll continue with the same vampire bullshit.