On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
How does this happen? The average ballpoint pen is about six inches long and a little thinner than the little finger, though there are the fattened ones too. What are these people doing with them? I chew the end of the pen often...but to thrust it into my throat?
And why are ballpoint pens favoured over the old ink ones? Or pencils?
Are these people bulimic, like they say, “Oh my god, I just ate my words” and then go barfing and while they are at it they choke and die?
Or, are they the sort who like to write with lubricated instruments, so in the process of wetting the said pen, they get overly enthusiastic and the thing slides down and…cough-cough…gasp…over?
Or, could these be absent-minded types who are so engrossed in their thoughts that the thoughts run really deep and straight into the larynx?
Or, could it be someone who does accounts and takes number-crunching to new heights and crunches on the pen and, while swallowing it, death occurs?
Or, perhaps a scientist is fidgeting with a good Caran d'Ache and suddenly in its shiny exterior finds a reflection of himself and smiles; the smile widens as he spots a dark hollow, so he probes into the mouth, shouts, “Eureka!” and…slumps to the floor?
This is a serious matter. My only question: is there some brand or a particular type of pen that causes this to happen? Would the potential dead prefer blue ink or black? Would a red pen be more dangerous than a brown one? Does golden sheen pale when faced with a shock of silvery steel?
Does a person who chokes on one of those rare, monogrammed, limited edition ones go straight to heaven?
What happens to the warranty if the pen has not been damaged on the way to its untimely demise?