Domestic Violence -- A Response to a Response
I just posted an inordinately long response to Heather Catherine Hogan's blog post regarding Rihanna's reconciliation with Chris Brown. Since it is long enough to be a blog post itself, I thought I'd go ahead and post it here, too, though it's not on a subject I had planned to blog about. But I'm not editing it the way I would a post written specifically for my own blog, so please forgive its sprawling sentences and lack of structure -- and please realize that you'll need to read Heather's original post and our exchange in her comment box for the below to make sense. I thought the points were worth making, even if I am misunderstood, and hope that the discussion Heather's post has engendered will draw attention to some of the problems that obviously concern us both.
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Heather, thanks for your response. I have certainly read accounts of people in her community who are encouraging her not to press charges against Brown and who are not just encouraging, but facilitating, her reconciliation with him. Just as a single example, I would point to Sean Combs (Diddy), who offered the two of them his house to meet and reconnect in privacy (which they took him up on -- and where it is now being suggested that they may have secretly married). I have been disheartened, in fact, to read of the numbers of celebrities and fans (in comment streams on news and blog sites) who have argued that, while it's sad what happened to her, "that's life," or "we shouldn't judge" Brown, or who hope she won't press charges against him.
Yes, there are large numbers of people who feel like you and I do, that there could be no circumstances under which she should return to such a relationship and that Brown should not be excused from the consequences of his actions on the basis of his fame or his past reputation. But that does not change the fact that this society provides women with many, many incentives to remain in a bad relationship. Read the reports that mention how Rihanna's dream is have the marriage, the 2 children, the home, etc. -- and specifically by the age of 25. In a world in which being single (or divorced) is still considered a horrible fate for a woman (see the endless articles about the "shortage of black men" and the inability of successful black women to find husbands -- or the recent interview with Reece Witherspoon who spoke of the "humiliation" of getting divorced); in a world where the financial consequence of divorce for most women is poverty; in a world where domestic violence occurs literally millions of times a year in America alone (and where women are the victims in nearly 95% of the cases) -- in this world, I would argue, a woman need not be completely abject and consider herself to be utterly without value (worthless!) to convince herself that she might be better off with her abuser than without him, that "love conquers all," that it's worth taking the risk that "he'll never do it again."
The mixed messages women get in this society are beyond belief and have powerful consequences. To take a related example, on one side there are people decrying the frighteningly skinny models and celebrities the industry demands and puts before us day after day, condemning the way this contributes to anorexia and bulimia, the crazy body image issues that these models promote. On the other side are just as many (if not more) people lined up to photograph the super skinny women, to gush about how gorgeous they look in their clothes, to pay them accordingly, and to make fun of the Jessica Simpsons who dare to be seen at a normal weight. How much willpower does it take to ignore the incentives on the latter side? Where is the glamor, the adoration? Which message circulates the most and speaks the loudest to teenaged girls, to young people during their formative years? By time they reach college-level Women's Studies courses (those who do), a lot of damage has been done.
Yes, there are serious self-esteem issues involved in the decisions Rihanna is making with regard to forgiving Brown -- of course there are, and she needs all the support and help she can get to work them out. But until this society sends clear messages that it is not a sign of the depth of a woman's love that she remains with her abuser, that the marriage vow to stay together "for better or for worse" does not (any longer!) mean "even if he beats me," and so on, and so on, it will not be fair to suggest that societal pressures are irrelevant and the only reason a woman might stay in an abusive relationship is because she feels she is worthless. Or put differently, where would she get an idea like that in the first place???
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About Evie
Evie Shockley is the author of two books of poetry, the new black (Wesleyan UP, 2011) and a half-red sea (Carolina Wren Press, 2006), and two chapbooks, 31 words * prose poems (Belladonna* Books, 2007) and The Gorgon Goddess (Carolina Wren Press,...
Connections
For all the Rhiannas in the
For all the Rhiannas in the world, there are thousands of Janes, who go back to the abusive man--a man who may abuse her and her children, too--because of not only a vicious cycle of low esteem and sense of worth but out of economic necessitiy. The fact that Rhianna--with the world and money at her fingertips--does so only highlights the fact that this is a psychological issue. Though she may be famous and mentored by the mega rich and famous, she is a young woman with the same inability to save herself that Jane down the street has.
It breaks my heart, and it always has, no matter what woman it is going back to what man.
J
Jessica Barksdale Inclan
www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
it breaks my heart
That's exactly how I feel, Jessica.
The economic reasons are really significant -- there are many more Janes than Rihannas, as you point out. Moreover, those reasons are connected to the psychological and sociological reasons. If our society doesn't value women enough to pay us the same wage for the same work, doesn't that suggest to women that we should value our men more than ourselves? Every time I begin to think that the wrongness of both sides of that equation has been recognized and rebutted, something causes me to suspect that the lesson hasn't really been learned.
Thanks for writing.
I imagine, Jessica,
you witness bruises and black eyes in your classes.
scapegoat
Hi Evie,
I appreciate your concern about my points at Heathers blogs post. I further posted a new comment there. In vast meaning world is a small village. What is existed here in India is also exists in all world in micro way. Discrimination of women exists since long in human history. Whether it be a prehistoric, Babylonian, Shakespearean or an old Hindu mythological age. History is fully loaded with stories where women were denied justice just because they were females. It is a fashion to load responsibility on women's shoulder for their own wretchedness, especially in physical or sexual abuse cases. I had a discussion with one of my friend who was advocating against women for working in porn films. He was arguing that who are stopping females for not participating in porn films. I told him that most porn materials are being watched by males and it is a men’s necessity. This is men’s world even after thousands of years, and men have expertise themselves to get what they want by any means. I remember a scene from Jennifer Lopez’s film ‘BORDERTOWN’ in which, a portrayed female prostitute was dancing in few cloths with a man in night club. I don’t know it was a lack of directors intelligence or a female actor’s bad performance [or a real performance as I understood] but one can clearly notice that she was not enjoying what she was doing.
So woman is readily available scapegoat for all evils, even in which she herself is a victim, in my country or any where in this world.
scapegoat
Jitu, thanks for your comments here and on Heather's blog. The point you make here about women being made scapegoats for their own oppression is very much a part of what I was responding to in Heather's choice of terms. To be clear: I don't think Heather was actually intending to communicate that Rihanna's situation is entirely one of her own making! I understand her post to be very sympathetic to the position of women in cases of domestic abuse. But I do think that to imagine that a woman who remains in an abusive relationship is acting solely out of her own psychological problems, and not responding as well to the material and social circumstances in which we live, is not to give most of those women enough credit. I was glad you had already made a comment that pointed towards those other factors. Thanks again for writing.
DV
The reasons an individual returns to abusive relationships are far more complicated than anyone can argue. Financial, lack of self esteem, the absolute need to be loved, wanted and needed by someone is just the tip of the iceberg. Leaving can be hell; leaving requires energy that many victims just do not have; often the victim feels they are better off dead and more often than not,this occurs.
chilling, but true
Thanks for weighing in, Karen.
Carol Williams There are
Carol Williams
There are myriad reasons why a woman stays with a man who has harmed her. First of all, there is the fundamental issue of attachment. When people are deeply connected because of time spent together or the intensity of their experiences together, it is almost as if they become physically intertwined. This visceral interconnection is especially true for sexual relationships. Pulling away from a significant relationship hurts - not only psychically but physically. In the shock that follows abuse, the abused hungers for comfort and support from the person she would usually turn to - the abuser. When the abuser is distraught and apologetic, his partner devastated and ashamed, this is a seductive mix which draws them ever tighter in their shared trauma. As Karen Zott suggests, it takes considerable strength to pull away. How much harder it is when a woman is surrounded by people who encourage her to stay - people who are willing to sacrifice her welfare to their ideology (or their own unexamined issues).
In addition to the forces of attachment, the role of culture is undeniable. There is no reason to believe that Rihanna hasn't been well socialized as a woman. There is no reason to believe that she hasn't internalized all those societal messages Evie describes so well. We all have, whether we resist that socialization and those messages or not. In fact, the ways in which Rihanna has allowed the male-dominated music industry to craft her image suggests that she is no less obedient than the rest of us. Her pictures and videos rely on much of the same imagery and symbolism of porn. My hope is that somewhere, circulating among the people close to her, is someone who affirms her humanity and her right to be a woman unto herself, undefined by male approval or disapproval, free from the strictures that bind us. My hope is that she have models of equal, mutually-affirming male-female relationships. I hope that now she chooses the ordeal of breaking away over the guaranteed hell of persevering with an abuser.
I do agree with your points
I do agree with your points of social ideology and role of culture , however little value it has in rhianna's case.
jitu
i couldn't agree with you more
Carol, I really appreciate your description of the virtually physical way that attachment works in such intimate relationships. I certainly remember how difficult it was to end a relationship that was not good for me (though far from abusive, thank goodness), simply because of the long roots of our connection, the actual history of caring. I'm thankful for the factors that made it easier for me to envision a different life for myself -- without them, I might have succumbed to the temptation to take the "easy" route.
I've read that Rihanna's father is opposed to their reconciliation (as well he might be!), but is not able to get in contact with her, which doesn't bode well. I'll throw my hopes behind those you've stated, with an added hope that his is strength she can -- and will allow herself to -- depend on, to some degree. It can only help that she knows she doesn't have to do this all alone.
Hi, Evie
I can barely read your post and the comments without shaking in rip-roaring rage. In mid-1980's I was the woman, running barefoot into the night, trying to call the woman's sanctuary, only to receive a recording. Our society has come much farther in these decades to recognize that this is a problem that crosses all social strata. I had enough sense to leave on the first Martin Luther King Day. Walked 2 miles, called a friend who took me to LAX and I flew home to my parents. But there were several failed attempts to leave. Child molesters who violate multiple times are given the opportunity for castration while in prison, domestic abusers shouldn't be given that choice, but castration be performed pronto--okay I'm half kidding. I received an email from the latest victim of my Blue Beard a couple of years ago. And she won't be the last to suffer.
Ever since my flight in 1986, I've become hypersensitive to the abuse women suffer in Third World countries AND in the First World. Women in America think they are "liberated," but if you see the mistreatment they suffer just to have a man, it's really very very sad. Women in the majority are in the supporting role.
I will have to deal with this issue festering in my chest. Perhaps in comic book format, where it can be used in high school to educate young women how well they should be treated. If you feel uncomforable in any conversation or in they way you are touched (just as in child abuse), you should go with your gut feelings of "this is not right!" Report the incident to parents and honorable adults.
I heard this in a documentary about Jesus of Nazareth recently. It is from the Gospel of Thomas:
If you bring forth what is within you,
What you bring forth will save you.
If you do not brng forth what is within you,
What you do not bring forth will destroy you.
It's laughable to think there will be world peace
when women are abused in their own homes.
you should do it, belle!
I can't say how powerful I think it would be to have a graphic novel (or even a graphic novella) of your story, or a similar story, that teens and young adult women could read and be affirmed in their instincts. Heather (see her story in the comments section of her blog post on this subject) has written about her own journey, apparently, which seems like a brave and vulnerable thing to do. I can see that it would touch a deep nerve in you to have to revisit that space, even to produce art (healing art) about it, and I hate to wish that upon you. But I have seen again and again how the words of survivors can touch people in the midst of such experiences like nothing else...
As for world peace, I think you're right, Belle. All these types of violence are caught up together. We have to change the way we think about each other as human beings -- then we will find war against people in other nations just as unthinkable as beating someone we are supposed to love.
Thanks for writing, Belle. I've missed your voice (though I have been reveling in your mushroom stories!)...
Evie--
I talked myself into this project and wrote a quick overview for my agent. She loves the idea. In September, I'll give sample art and work on the synopsis. I lay awake in back going back in time and looking for the dropped details like Hansel and Gretel with their bread crumbs.
This issue I know inside and out, including how to survive, to protect People outside may condemn women for the lack of self-confidence. Hey, that's not THE reason. There is manipulation--slap then pat, which slowly does away with the self-confidence. The isolation too. I was well liked, was Valedictiorian, an athlete, and still . . . . I get very mad when women judge women.
There was a particularly hideous case of sado-masochism in our area--the wife is now out with the daughter--then coming to your post and what I hear about the Bobby Brown shit, I guess all the signs lead to this decision.
Thanks.
this is good news
Belle, your decision to go ahead with this project is just one more proof that every cloud has a silver lining. Two clouds in this case -- your experience with domestic violence and, now, Rihanna's, as the nudge you needed to go back to your own and create something that I believe will stand between some other woman and abuse.
Thanks for reiterating the point that it's not a simple matter of a woman not having self-confidence or self-esteem. It is a complicated matter, as I understand it, a convergence of factors that may vary from case to case, but come together in each instance in some devastating way. I know that it is unacceptable to be mistreated by a spouse or partner. And I believe I would act on the knowledge if necessary. But I am very glad I haven't been put to the test.
Please keep us posted about the new project -- I know you have things to finish up first (things I'm looking forward to!), so I don't expect news on this front for some time. But when the time comes, let us know...
Domesetic violence- a response to response
This is the first time I am responding to a really thought provoking issue.
Well! I can't imagine what could have been the reason for rihana to patch up with a person who abuses her.
It's true many women compromise life with a abuser due to their insecurity. Because they have no idea what difference would be there when they make a strong decision in life.
The healing process of society has to begin somewhere.
Every step counts and with every person who has their eyes opened to the reality of abuse then we are closer to a better society. I personally believe that this issue is a direct result of social conditioning gone wrong.
I see traditional male/female roles, religion, social standards, media reinforcement of the divide in gender roles, peer pressure, oral history and (mis)education, etc, etc. providing a foundation from which abusers can justify themselves and their actions. There is much to change in society before true equality can ever be achieved.
It seems almost impossible to reach such a goal but I believe it can happen. I do not believe it will happen in my lifetime. I think that the seeds that have been planted by those who campaign for recognition of the issues and the seeds that are yet to be planted by others have started a ripple effect that is being noticed. To take the ripple effect analogy further, these effects are only on the surface of the water but the problem lays very much deeper. I think the only way to really make a difference that will affect a majority of the world is to turn those ripples into waves that in turn become tidal waves, churning up the very fibre of it's own being.
I'm not a writer so apologies for not communicating my feelings of frustration about this issue.
Thank you Evie for posting a blog that has made me step out of the shadows and post something I feel passionately about.
Domestic Violence
As a three time domestic violence victim (3 strikes and you're out) I can verify the difficulty in trying to leave your partner. In my case being addicted during my 3rd marriage to my partner was similar to being on heroin. If he threatened to move out I started shaking, vomiting, dry heaves, would agree to anything if he would only stay. It didn't matter how abusive he was. At that time raping your wife was not against the law in CA (where I lived) and I suffered continual rapes several times a day. Any attempt to fight back only brought physical assaults. Fortunately, by some miracle, I began my own recovery program, a program called REPAIR and was able to rid myself of my abuser. My motto after that was: "If I'd known life was going to turn out this good I would have started it sooner." If you know of anyone in a domestic violence situation encourage them to buy REPAIR Your Life.
Monstrosity
Hi Margie,
What you stated as happend by Miracle was not so, but your inner strength which was being crushed transiently by monstrosity of men you came across thrice.This monstrosity is a big asset of men in all living ages. I know large number of cases,where men [ who considered their wives unworthy and stated publicly that they don't love them ] have burdened their wives with one child a year until being seprated.
You wrote about the -'Law against raping ones wife', but my dear margie, what law will stop us from raping women by double meaning words and dirty stares. Don't underestimate us.
thanks for your words
Bobby, Ryoma, and Margie, thanks so much for posting. Bobby, many people on this page and on Heather's blog (see link at the top of this entry) have pointed to reasons other than (or in addition to) feelings of insecurity that lead women to remain in abusive relationships. But ultimately (and Margie makes this point) you're right that the benefits (immediate, but especially long-term) of getting out of such situations far outweigh the downsides. What can we do as a society to make those benefits clear, tangible, and more accessible? That seems to me one important question. Margie, it sounds like REPAIR did this for you. Is it a book? A course? Care to post a quick note about where it is available?
Ryoma, your comments are elegant and moving -- please don't apologize for them. It sounds like you and I think a lot alike about the need for societal change (rather than judging or scapegoating the battered women, to use Belle's and Jitu's words). I will try to be optimistic about that possibility for change. If I don't live to see domestic violence completely eradicated, I do think I might live to see social norms (around gender, around violence, etc.) shift to the point where domestic violence becomes much rarer, becomes much less a cause for shame in the victim and much *more* a cause for shame in the abuser. Speaking out the way we all are here is one step in that direction. Can we challenge ourselves now to speak out in other contexts as well?
Domestic Violence
Perhaps the better question is "Why does Chris stay?" After all, he was angry enough to batter Rhianna's beautiful face and fling debasing words at her. Does he stay because having a beautiful woman on his arm enhances his masculinity? Did he hit her because somehow her actions generated less than a man feelings in him? Growing up, did he lay in bed at nights listening to some man, perhaps even his father, yell obscenities at his mother as a drum beat to the sound of his fists hitting her? Was he, too, a victim of physical abuse as a child?
Odds are he was but knowing which man will physically assault a woman is impossible to determine even with psychological testing.
Gender roles damage both women and men. The damage plays out in violence to others or violence to the self.