Somewhere between the sweet and salty chips and the off-brand Pringles, I find myself lost; lost in a world that's easy to forget, lost somewhere in the forever aching void in my soul. I remember the times when I would get lost in a store, as a child, and the sinking feeling I would get when my parents found me. And, I now know why it is I purposely get lost as an adult. I used to feel lost and alone, a familiar character in one of my stories, yearning for the day I'd find myself--who it is I'm supposed to become. But now I find myself lost and found at precisely the same moment. It is here, somewhere between aisles six and seven, soaking my bare feet in the cool sand, driving over a crooked bridge on the country roads, waiting for someone--someone to find me.
My soul isn't for the norm. It isn't made to be blending into a botched society. It isn't made to be in weddings or conform to any basic rules. It is meant to be lost out in nature, in the foothills I'd climb as a child, to sit in the corner between aisles six and seven. I've given my all to every relationship, whether it be friendly or romantic. I'd always find some reason to escape and be by myself. I've learned to stop trying so hard and let things be, to always choose to listen rather than speak, and to shy away in the face of madness. I've found that despite all I do, people will betray even when they don't realize it and that no one will truly understand how being lost has brought me undeniable peace.
I have always been wise beyond my years, even as a child though concepts and theories seemed skewed. I always befriended teachers over students, older over younger, not to be cool or trendy but because I could relate to their emotional distress. People think just because you're four years old you don't understand pain. They're wrong. When you've been placed in situations such as drugs and alcohol, abusers and adulterers, you learn quickly not to trust anyone besides yourself. And, then you come down with a brain disease and find, more often than none, you're unsure if you can even trust your own being. How are you supposed to live a life with people who have wronged you? Where are you supposed to go when you feel unwelcomed, unloved; when the one person you thought would be there for you turns their back and sides with the only man who has ever beaten, betrayed, and violated your entire being?