I believe it was the way I said goodbye that left me the most lonesome. The way my tears slid down my dry cheek, the way they fell to the dewy grass below. It was the staring at his casket that made me most fearful; petrified of death itself, scared to sleep again. I was only nine years old when my grandfather passed away. And, it was the most traumatic time in my life. Having to say goodbye to a best friend, a father figure, left a gaping hole in my heart.
I believe it was the way I repaired that hole in my heart that makes me most human. The way I wrote about him every night until I could soundly sleep, the way my tears flooded my pillow case like some sort of rapid torrent. It was the music I listened to that made me start to let go, believe in something bigger than myself. Hoping that my grandfather could still console me if even from afar. I think about him often, whether or not he can still see me. His spirit still lingering wherever I go. I know he follows me like a lone traveler, a soul not yet gone.
It's the long nights that keep my mind awake. Now, in my twenties I still fear the same things I feared thirteen years ago. I still fear death, whether or not it will continue to take away the people most precious to me. I still fear abandonment; feeling let go by the ones closest to me. And, I still fear loneliness even though I continue to isolate myself from the world. When will the fears let go of me? When will I let go of the past and finally turn the corner? I feel there is something great in store for my life, but I have to learn how to grow first.
I believe it's the aspiring writer inside of me telling my soul to move on. I can't keep myself captive for twenty-two more years. By then my life will be half over, having more regrets and even more fears. I must stand strong in this time of transition. I must heed the advise of those around me. And, I must hold on to those most precious, knowing that they might eventually find there own way.
It's everywhere and right here that I find myself. It's the rain that passes in the clouds that makes me the most present. It's the friends and family that keep my mind focused. And, it's the words on this page that makes me most complete. I believe I find life in the most obscure places: warm sand, cold cemeteries, and the ice that I pass over in the winter. It's the strangers at school that make me feel like I belong. And, it's the world I look up to that makes me feel loved.