Dear Friend,They say your past sticks with you wherever you go. Kind of like a glue or an adhesive in the summer weather. I'm starting to think its true. I can't shake these long dark nights. The ones where I get lost in the music that blares through my headphones which were a Christmas present from my mother last year. Sometimes I wonder if the people I work with really know I'm crazy. I mean I never talk at work and they always make fun of me for it but I really wonder if they know how deep my mind really goes. Sometimes I wish the sun never came up in the morning. Not because I want you to think I'm some dark gothic kid that loves darkness because I'm not. I just like to stare at the midnight stars like it's the last thing I'll ever see. My grandfather loved staring at the stars. He's actually the one who taught me about constellations and comets. The galaxy seems so far away yet I can feel it in my soul. I realize how close heaven really is to the living. You just have to believe it's there. Sometimes, I see him in the faces of others. Walking downtown or in the hallways at school I see his icy blues. I see his grey hair in the older professors. I hear his low laugh in the cackling behind closed doors. I can smell his musty scent every time I use the restroom. And, I can feel his breath on my neck every time I close my eyes. The doctors asked me yesterday if I still saw him. I said no. I don't want to let them know that I still see him at every turn. I don't want them to take him away from me. My parents don't know either. They don't know he speaks to me when I try to sleep. They don't know he asks me for direction at school. And, they don't know I still talk to my dead grandfather when no ones home. I don't want them to worry about me. They already have enough to worry about. They say people with schizophrenia are stigmatized as "crazy" or "dangerous." I'd have to disagree. I like to think the ones that come visit me are still searching for answers. You know, the answers they never got while on earth. So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.