Walking along the winter shore

I stare at the footsteps, the tracks I adore

Decisions were made, that time long ago

To sit and be still, my sin to let go.

A waver in mind, could my thoughts be real

I've shaven my core down to the last peel.

Withered and blue, my hands scarred from dismay

I, my own body floating away

Into the shadows, under the dark barren floors

No God dared to see what I chose to explore.

How fast could one fall through Hell's gates

My heart beating fast at pretentious rates.

I gripped the wheel hard, my knuckles worn black

I couldn't escape all the traits that I lacked.

I was my own demon, my own death came near

Fantasizing an existence, anywhere but here.

I couldn't fathom the thoughts that ran through my head

A final decision to make and lay in my own bed.

Blood pooling out of my veins beating life

When would God stop me, a pitiful strife

Washed over my face like holy water poured

Onto my delicate skin, a cold rush I couldn't ignore

The faces I saw, their skin tan and fresh

Pulled my subtle heart right from my burning flesh.

A fire so bright, seared the tissues in my brain

I begged for the day I could taste the rain

On my pink tongue, a child's innocence so great

Breathed life into my lungs, restored my fate

Of a future not yet reached, years not yet lived

Moments I knelt in the snow and begged to give

Every last breath to the faith I ignored

A road not yet traveled, a sky not yet soared.

My God showed me love, a foreign emotion

I decided to think He couldn't stop the commotion

Of a frightened father's torture brought out in real light

I dreamed of his demise, shielded my face from the fight.

His lips were so pale, his eyes burned with hate

His oversized hands swiping to break

His own child's face, bruised to the core

I thought I deserved every last sore.

But the bottles fell empty, his scent grew near

He was the one thing I decided to fear.

Not hate for myself, not the black swollen night,

It was his burning rage that tore the hope from my sight.

Words so obscene, spat my way from a monster

Who held my hair in his fists, tore the roots from my head

My babyish skin grew red in the hollow bed

That my mother made with her swollen bruised hands

Folded the sheets with a crease and a crimson sand

That poured itself into my gaping wounds

Like salt in a scratch no mother could swoon

That shivering baby swaddled in tears

From the abandonment and fears

That ran through its head, a guilt so extreme

Childhood events I could never out-dream.

A path already paved, from that man that pained

Every last joint my little body could claim.

What rage gave birth to the man, my father

What pain did he feel when he finally saw her

Lifeless body worn thin from his beatings and hurt

His mind so evil, he decided to flirt

With his only child that dearly believed

In a life far from his acts that became grossly obscene.

An x-rated film that played out in her bed

The demon screamed loud and begged to be fed.

A room filled with sin, smells so dirty--putrid

that never made my small mind lucid

to the events that played out, not attached to the game

Between the drunk ugly man and his child that wouldn't claim

That this life was hers and became later his

I was born and raised in these disgusting sins

Which never freed me from the body I was in.

Thus my battle began with my past and my mind

I decided to wallow in any pain I could find.

I quickly outgrew his disgusting eyes,

I prayed for a miracle and gripped to the skies

Where my God stood tall, radiated with freedom

How I wanted to be saved and escape to his kingdom.

So, I walk along these snow drifted streets

Along the shore line with holes in my jeans

And remember a life I know all too well,

A small boy's ascent from that dreadful hell.