Walking along the winter shore
I stare at the footsteps, the tracks I adore
Decisions were made, that time long ago
To sit and be still, my sin to let go.
A waver in mind, could my thoughts be real
I've shaven my core down to the last peel.
Withered and blue, my hands scarred from dismay
I, my own body floating away
Into the shadows, under the dark barren floors
No God dared to see what I chose to explore.
How fast could one fall through Hell's gates
My heart beating fast at pretentious rates.
I gripped the wheel hard, my knuckles worn black
I couldn't escape all the traits that I lacked.
I was my own demon, my own death came near
Fantasizing an existence, anywhere but here.
I couldn't fathom the thoughts that ran through my head
A final decision to make and lay in my own bed.
Blood pooling out of my veins beating life
When would God stop me, a pitiful strife
Washed over my face like holy water poured
Onto my delicate skin, a cold rush I couldn't ignore
The faces I saw, their skin tan and fresh
Pulled my subtle heart right from my burning flesh.
A fire so bright, seared the tissues in my brain
I begged for the day I could taste the rain
On my pink tongue, a child's innocence so great
Breathed life into my lungs, restored my fate
Of a future not yet reached, years not yet lived
Moments I knelt in the snow and begged to give
Every last breath to the faith I ignored
A road not yet traveled, a sky not yet soared.
My God showed me love, a foreign emotion
I decided to think He couldn't stop the commotion
Of a frightened father's torture brought out in real light
I dreamed of his demise, shielded my face from the fight.
His lips were so pale, his eyes burned with hate
His oversized hands swiping to break
His own child's face, bruised to the core
I thought I deserved every last sore.
But the bottles fell empty, his scent grew near
He was the one thing I decided to fear.
Not hate for myself, not the black swollen night,
It was his burning rage that tore the hope from my sight.
Words so obscene, spat my way from a monster
Who held my hair in his fists, tore the roots from my head
My babyish skin grew red in the hollow bed
That my mother made with her swollen bruised hands
Folded the sheets with a crease and a crimson sand
That poured itself into my gaping wounds
Like salt in a scratch no mother could swoon
That shivering baby swaddled in tears
From the abandonment and fears
That ran through its head, a guilt so extreme
Childhood events I could never out-dream.
A path already paved, from that man that pained
Every last joint my little body could claim.
What rage gave birth to the man, my father
What pain did he feel when he finally saw her
Lifeless body worn thin from his beatings and hurt
His mind so evil, he decided to flirt
With his only child that dearly believed
In a life far from his acts that became grossly obscene.
An x-rated film that played out in her bed
The demon screamed loud and begged to be fed.
A room filled with sin, smells so dirty--putrid
that never made my small mind lucid
to the events that played out, not attached to the game
Between the drunk ugly man and his child that wouldn't claim
That this life was hers and became later his
I was born and raised in these disgusting sins
Which never freed me from the body I was in.
Thus my battle began with my past and my mind
I decided to wallow in any pain I could find.
I quickly outgrew his disgusting eyes,
I prayed for a miracle and gripped to the skies
Where my God stood tall, radiated with freedom
How I wanted to be saved and escape to his kingdom.
So, I walk along these snow drifted streets
Along the shore line with holes in my jeans
And remember a life I know all too well,
A small boy's ascent from that dreadful hell.