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Bernie Horowitz Is Still Missing

Bernie Horowitz, I learned from the similarly-titled flyer stapled to the telephone pole, is a cream-colored cat that disappeared one day; now there is a reward for his return.


Reading the flyer, I realized I had erred. When my Scotch tape was missing, I neglected to staple posters to telephone poles lining the streets of Berkeley. Nor did I offer a reward. At the very least, I could have put up flyers in my own home. It might have helped to expedite the process.


Yes, I am happy to report that I found my Scotch tape. Contrary to popular opinion, it was not roaming around Berkeley, nor did it hitchhike across the country on the back of a manilla envelope.


It was lying down in my tape drawer.


Of all places.


It had been there all along (or so it claims), but was submerged in a plastic bag (thankfully, it did not suffocate). The bag contained the putty for sticking stuff on my wall. The two of them kept trying to get my attention every time I rummaged through the drawer for my scissors and stapler. They yelled, “Yoohoo! In here!” When I repeatedly didn’t hear them, they huddled together for warmth. One might even say they stuck close to each other’s side.


Double-Sided Tape and Poser Tape were hanging out in the same drawer. I wonder if all along they knew where my Scotch tape was. Especially since it turns out my Scotch tape wasn’t. Scotch tape, that is. It, too, is a poser. It and Poser Tape got a good giggle out of that. And as it turns out, neither is opposed to posing in repose.


The weird thing is, just the other night, while using a whole bunch of Double-Sided tape and Poser Tape, I kept wishing for my other tape. If only you were here, I thought, life would be so much better. Less than twelve hours later I found it.


We had a very small, very quiet celebration. Just family. I didn’t inform the major networks. Now that a few days have passed, I am ready to share the news—I found my tape!


Bernie Horowitz, however, is still missing.


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Not to Mention Thumbtacks

My beloved Sandra says I'm not really the sharpest tack in the drawer; suggests I use tape instead. I guess these puncture wounds prove her point. Or some point, anyway. Ouch.

Good luck finding your poster.

Wait a minute....

Never mind.