where the writers are

Ernie Witham's Blog

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Mar.20.2013
Last year I joined the Community Film Studio of Santa Barbara -- the world's first not-for-profit, community-operated, feature motion picture production studio. They said they were going to make a movie called "The Bet" and wanted crew members. Getting all caught up in the emotion of the thing...
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Mar.20.2013
Last year I joined the Community Film Studio of Santa Barbara -- the world's first not-for-profit, community-operated, feature motion picture production studio. They said they were going to make a movie called "The Bet" and wanted crew members. Getting all caught up in the emotion of the thing...
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Aug.20.2012
Over the last few weeks, I’ve seen more examples of culture than an ear, nose and throat specialist. First we went to Los Angeles to see “Levitated Mass” the largest thing ever moved by man (second largest if you count Mitt Romney’s offshore accounts). Levitated Mass is a work of art, according to...
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Apr.07.2012
I was having one of those weird 3 a.m. dreams. I was trying to get somewhere, but I couldn’t seem to make any forward progress. It was like my feet were stuck. Then I heard a loud buzzing sound. Killer bees? A demonic golf cart? A brain-sucking vacuum cleaner? I opened one eye. I was in a huge room...
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Mar.24.2012
I am a registered Independent. I registered this way when I first moved to Santa Barbara almost thirty-five years ago, partially because I knew nothing about California politics. “Who’s this Moonbeam guy?” “He’s the new eccentric Governor, Jerry Brown.” “Is he an astronaut?” “Nope. Environmentalist...
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Dec.31.2011
A few years ago we bought a co-op Christmas tree. The idea was that one year it would be at our house and the next year it would be at Carl, Christy, Leila and Charlie’s house. It was pretty expensive and I probably would have objected had I known anything about it. But I didn’t find out about it...
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Oct.25.2011
“Forward one inch. Stop! Good. Now turn the wheel to the right... your other right. Back two inches. Stop! Turn the wheel right. No like the right you used before. Forward one inch. Stop! Whoops the automatic garage light just went out, don’t move.” We were in Marseilles, France -- well, actually,...
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Aug.21.2011
  Every now and then my wife gets that certain look in her eye and it instantly causes my breathing to increase, a slight sweat to break out on my forehead, and a slight moan to rise from deep within my chest. “Now?” I asked. “Yes,” she said excitedly. “But it’s Sunday.” “I know. It’s the...
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Aug.02.2011
I’m not good at throwing things away. I once kept half a ham sandwich so long that when I finally opened the Tupperware container the entire sandwich made a hissing sound, bounced around for a few seconds like a Mexican jumping bean, and then self-disintegrated into a bunch of flakes that...
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Jul.03.2011
  Recently, I found myself at a wine and cheese party held beside the beautiful Hotel Mar Monte pool on Cabrillo Boulevard, mingling with dozens of Santa Barbara Writers Conference students, workshop leaders and agents. Some were gathered in small groups talking about recent workshops. “What’...
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Apr.02.2011
  I am always on the lookout for something clever and interesting to write about, but some weeks are rather slow. Often a potential column starts out like this: “So I was driving on the freeway and passed three silver SUVs in a row!” Or: “Yesterday, while watering my bonsai trees, I noticed a...
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Jan.28.2011
I remember the first time I drove in San Francisco. Going uphill I felt like an astronaut staring into space thinking: I’m not going to make it to the moon. I’m not even going to make it to China Town. I kept sticking my hand out the window and slapping my aging craft on the rear fender. Then, with...
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Jan.14.2011
I think I figured out the problem with the stalled economic recovery. Me. I hate to shop. And I’m not always sure when I need things, like haircuts or gym shorts or underwear. Fortunately, I’m married... “You need to do something about those,” my wife said pointing at my athletic shoes. “Seriously...
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Dec.04.2010
Not so long ago when we went to the movies I would insist on getting the unlimited refills popcorn, which came in a bucket large enough to attempt going over Niagara Falls in, along with a drink the size of four human bladders. Plus of course I got the mandatory two-pound carton of Junior Mints for...
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Oct.27.2010
For months now I’ve had trouble sleeping. Seems like I’m always waking up in a cold sweat.     Some nights it’s because I’m worried about the economy. I mean all it takes is one random earnings report to cause a sudden downturn. “The Trojan Condom Company today announced sales are limp…” This...
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