This one's by request (here you go, June and Dennis!) -- my list of supposedly real excerpts from newspaper classified ads. (I use these as part of an ice-breaking exercise for a business writing workshop I do for MBA students...)
Actual Excerpts from Newspaper Classified Sections
- Illiterate? Write today for free help.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
- 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
- Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
- For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
- And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
BONUS: Here are some others I found, courtesy of Google:
- 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
- Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
- Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
- Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
- Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
- Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
- For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
- For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
- Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
- The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
- Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
- Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
- Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
In other words:
I don't have a lot of tattoos. Actually, I have only one, and it's small.
I do have plans to get another tattoo, and I know what it is but I'm waiting for a certain event to occur. In the meantime, I'm fascinated by ink. And I'm obsessed by words. SO this website both fascinates and obsesses me.
http://www.contrariwise.org/ (Thanks to Rosie Levy Merlin for the link.)