I've discovered that one of the great benefits of being an "official" Red Room author is that I can make blog posts without waiting for moderational (or is that moderatory) approval.  What this means is that my wisdom (or lack thereof) is immediately propagated with no human intervention whatsoever.  Aren't you lucky?

I've thought a lot recently about what Heaven will be like; we're told it will be a place without Terrorists or Telemarketers, although, because of God's amazing grace, there may even be redemption for the former of the two groups.  Frankly, telemarketers have had a far more disruptive influence on my life than terrorists ever could hope to.  I've never gotten a 6 P.M. dinnertime phone call from the Taliban, and it's a pretty good chance that you haven't, either.  What this leaves is really only one class of people beyond redemption: telemarketers.  But perhaps, not entirely.  I believe if there is some way we can make their existence so miserable on this planet that they are compelled to repent and get a REAL job, we may be able to revise our theology a tad.  Here are several methods I've devised over the years to that end.  Feel free to try them.

 1)  The bathroom break:   You silently wait for the telemarketer to finish his blurb, after which you say, in an out-of-breath manner, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?  I was in the bathroom."

 2)  The broken pen:  Always keep a coffee mug full of out-of-ink ballpoint pens....three or four dozen should do it.  When a telemarketer calls, say:  "Hang on a second, I need to write this all down.  Ooops.....that pen doesn't work.....nope, this one doesn't either.....no, not this one either...."  Be sure to go through the entire collection of pens.

3) The trailer trash method:  When the telemarketer calls, cover the mouthpiece slightly and yell in a Southern accent:  "Buford, get off your sister!  Why do you think we have those pigs in the back yard!"

4)  The murder in progress:  This takes family cooperation to pull off.  When the telemarketer calls, have your wife  or some other female scream bloody murder while firing off a gun loaded with blanks.   "Can you call back later?  I think my wife's been shot."

5) Heavy breathing/phone sex:  Use your imagination, because telemarketers have none of their own.

That should give you a good start.  Keep us posted on other effective methods you may have discovered.

Eric