SOME CRAZY THING
It was in every way an ordinary day, or so it seemed up to a particular moment– I was full of desire. Normally one doesn’t notice these kinds of things but this time seemed different. I noticed! I was aware of every detail.
It began as an itch in the bottom of my foot, which then traveled up my leg and as it rose, it grew larger. It was a feeling; a feeling that grew by the moment ever more omnipotent and threatening till it reached my head and took me over. The shrink called it an obsession, but I know it is a LIVING THING! I have to get this thing out of my head!
To show you where my head is at, and I promise you it is squarely above my shoulders, I will give an example: The other day was a windy day but I wanted to wear my favorite hat although I must confess, it is alittle big for me and I ran the risk of it blowing off, yet I decided to wear it. So for vanities sake I let my head freeze while I carry the hat to the hotel to meet my friend, then put it on at the door so I can politely take it off again once in the room.
My friend asked why I just didn’t leave it on my head! Why is it that when we do something nice for someone they take it as an insult and when we are mean spirited they are drawn to us like vampires hungry for a nice warm babe. Look the important thing is to get this thing out of my head. I need someone to hear me out – perhaps that will make it all dissolve and I can be once again.
I want to go out, however this brings us straight back to the root of the problem: WHO AM I? If I don’t know who I am, then how can ‘I’ make a decision? Is ‘it’ the one making the decision to go out or is it I? How can I be sure? That brings up an evenmore fundamental question: WHAT IS FOR SURE?
Am I making any headway, dear reader, in explaining my dire situation at the root of this story and a desperate need for a solution? I know we can work it out together but to ask is to be refused. So I know this much for sure: I wake up in the same house and go to sleep in the same bed I have for years, but a few years ago I went to visit my childhood home only to find it had been torn down and replaced by a train station! Well there we go - down the long troubled highway – What is for real?
So we put our faith in institutions that promise relief, if only we can believe in them. The Government offers a safety net, the church salvation, the banks give us credit and we are solvent. However these are all derivatives of a trust. Don’t trust yourself but trust the establishment of authority.
I can see I am getting nowhere – I babble on when I should be doing something. I know I don’t want to step in shit or get lost in Hell but what will I really do? I know I must do something, that of course is reliant on my finding out who I really am. Who I am can never be established because I am always becoming and what I am becoming I can’t be sure.
Don’t you believe it when they tell you that two heads are better than one, No! One head is better than two and no head is better than one and nothing concieves itself as being. Well that was quite the mouth full, but did I say anything?
Well I still have two heads and although I want to go out will I? I see the door just down the hall but will I go through it? How can I know if I don’t try but will it let me?Or is it I that prevents my swift action. What is this thing that occupies my mind? Sometimes I suspect it is an alien creature from some far away star. I know I must wrestle it to the ground and place it in a chokehold but my mind is weak from too little use. As for my ‘self’ it is so small it is just a point somewhere inside my imagination. I am a prisoner inside myself – I CAN”T GET OUT!
Ah that was good, just saying that gave the same relief that some farts can. Yes it stinks but my head is clear. If only I knew which head was mine. I know I am somewhere inside but I just don’t know where. Perhaps if I eliminate everything else I will be the one thing left. Things seem to stay around no matter what, no matter how many times I throw them in the garbage -they come back. They are there just inside the door. It must be me bringing all this stuff home; I must stop desiring things.
If I stop desiring things my mind will be calm and singular. The alien mind will disappear and I will know myself. I will let things come and go but I won’t be attached to them. Desire is the glue that binds things to us – if I can let them go I will be free of the need to control events. Nothing will matter and I won’t need to wrestle with things, just love and do what must be done.