I cracked open the musty old cardboard box full of my journals; some going back as early as my five year old scrawled emotions in a tiny locked diary. Where to begin my journey? How would I tell my readers why I felt like I was chosen to write my story? Ten years ago, after opening that box I now sit at this table outside a famous bookstore, copies of my heart in paperback format spread like fans on either side of me. Each potential reader that approaches comes for a reason all their own; this I will learn later in the conversation. Some stop by just to connect to another human being who is admitting they have wounds. I realize that by opening my soul to others through the medium of words I have opened the door for them to share their stories with me. Even if I am the only one that hears their story I know I wrote that book for a higher purpose.
There is a feeling of being exposed when I know someone is reading or has read the book. When they come up to me with tears in their eyes and thank me for my bravery I feel a sense of inner strength mixed with a humility. I stress to my readers that their story is also poignant and it needs to be told. My path towards healing has now transformed into an avenue to help others in their healing via. my raw, honest, intimate telling of the events of my life. My sacrifices are; the looks I may get when someone is unwilling to release judgement, or the negative meanderings of people who don't like the 'content' of the book. I have a thick skin and am used to people labelling me. I can take it. I can take anything now.
There is a feeling of vulnerability when releasing this book. I worry that if the wroung person reads it it may cause a negative chain reaction. I can't guarantee all my readers will be ethical, safe, trustworthy people. Not knowing who is looking at the roadmap of my intimate life can be quite terrifying actually.
These are the emotions and responses I never knew about. Only since the books release on April 1, 2010 have I begun to learn what emotions will come up and what I will learn.
Was it worth it. Yes! All of the letters from women who are connecting/relating/remembering/healing/coping; those are worth every risk I took to tell it!
Let it Go & Be Set Free
Causes Emily Lutze Supports
Advocacy for Combating the Stigma of Mental Illness through Education, Survivors of Sexual Abuse (Education/Assistance/Support