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Mom Olympics

Appear nonchalant at daycare in a tight-fitting aerodynamic orange helmet.

If you think the giant slalom is tricky, try the packed isles at Trader Joe’s with everyone else in Baltimore County in search of creamy, low-salt soynut butter.

Triple axel? More like triple-wash the whites. Who’s coaching these amateurs, anyway? How hard it is to use a cup?

Ignore the incessant cowbell ringing as you downhill through the afternoon on a pair of wine spritzers.

In the evening, after the kids have finally gone to bed, bring out the zamboni and glide across the kitchen floor with your husband, who is as usual wearing a torero outfit bedecked in rhinestones.

Accept any and all roses, including the ones the kids have drawn with smelly markers. Turn to the camera and mouth the words, Does anyone in America know a reliable babysitter?

Pack the kids lunch boxes as if there might be an endorsement deal in it.