We've all had the experience.
Someone swerves in on us in traffic, narrowly missing our front bumper and causing us to stand on our brakes to avoid a mass-casualty collision. Or perhaps a co-worker snatches away the last break-room bear-claw that our fingers were already stretching to grasp. Or at a writer's group critique session, the a-hole sitting in the corner makes a particularly snarky remark about our submission, disdainfully savaging our sensitivities even as he gleefully rapes our literary baby...
We're infuriated, outraged, even murderous-- and the situation demands an immediate, withering comeback of devastating proportions.
The problem: We're so angry that it's impossible to come up with a really good one, save for the same old tired, two-word cliche and perhaps its accompanying one-finger salute. This response, aside from being ineffectual from over-use in today's society, inevitably fails to satisfy.
The solution: For that reason, I offer the invaluable tool at above-right, kindly developed by the fine folks at Memebase.com. This tool's simple-to-use format consists of a single-sheet, easy-to-print-out-and-carry chart: a "one from Column A, one from Column B, one from Column C" -Chinese restaurant menu of mix-'n-match selections.
The result --each to be preceded with the Bard-ian preface "Thou"-- guarantees that you'll never again be without a scrotal-withering, eloquently-phrased, highly appropriate reply in any irritating situation.
Here's an example of one randomly selected combination: "Thou churlish motley-minded clacker-blossom!"
Entitled the Shakespearean Insult Kit, the original is online at: http://memebase.com/2011/11/28/internet-memes-shakespearean-insults/
For convenience, I've provided the chart itself as a graphic. Print it, fold it into wallet or purse, and whip it out when the situation demands. I promise that you'll find yourself referring to it every day for the rest of your life.
--Earl "Thou Column A, Column B, Column C" Merkel
Visit us at: www.earlmerkel.com
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